About SDW Expertise I would be happy to answer any questions regarding any situation you have with your inlaws. I have been married for many years, have been church affiliated and/or a staff member for over 20 years, and have counseled many people in that capacity. I take pride in providing answers that will give honest insight and concrete direction to go forward like many of the wellknown advice counselors. I believe that being a shoulder for you to lean on is important but much more important is advice that you can put into action to make your life better!
Experience I have several years of psychology education, many years of counseling experience, and have been very helpful in my own family. It is a wonderful feeling to realize that you have helped others and made their lives better.
Education/Credentials Many years of church counseling, Several years of psychology course work, BSA in accounting, and MBA candidate.
Expert: SDW Date: 5/8/2008 Subject: welcome but not welcome
Question I’m getting married to my fiancée in about 5 months (we’ve been together for a little over 3 years). I’m very close with my family and extended family. My issue arises with my soon to be in-laws. They live a state away, so I’ve only met them a little over a handful of times. He is living in my hometown because of college. The parents are recently divorced (and they do not speak to each other anymore)
Here is some background on his family:
The parents have been separated for about 6 years and just last year divorced. It was ugly and they do not speak to each other anymore. The youngest daughter lives with her dad by choice and even after a custody battle. The mom gets mad at her kids sometimes (my fiancée has an older sister also) for spending time with the dad. The mom’s parents both are bi-polar and were abusive (according to the mother), so the family does not have a relationship with them. My future MIL has a personality disorder herself and seems capable of flying off the handle. My FIL is a recovering alcoholic. One of the final straw of their marriage was when he brought a gun home, and she thought he was going to kill her, but instead he shot it off outside and told the police that he was going to kill himself.
Right now my MIL loves me. She says I’m a princess (I actually don’t like that term) and that my fiancée should always treat me that way. My fiancée has told me a few times that he feels that his mom must think he is a jerk by some of the things she says. I get the feeling she hold things his father did against him, or that she thinks he’ll do the same things. As I said, she loves me now, but I’m pretty sure the day will come where I’ll say something or do something that she won’t like and it will all fall down. The mother has attempted suicide in the past and just two Christmas’s ago, she called up her oldest daughter to tell her that she has swallowed pills (in order to kill herself) because of a fight my fiancée and her had just had. He had wanted to take his bed (and she had originally told him he could, but then changed her mind and screamed at him as he just took the mattress) Turns out she never did take any pills, but wanted to make my fiancée feel that bad. So it’s hard for me to even want to get along with my MIL when she can do something that hurtful to the guy I love.
My fiancée is in the Air National guard and just returned from his 5th trip over to Iraq (he goes for about an average of 4 months) I’m not much of a phone person, but his mother called me often (sometime 2 or 3 times a week) and I’d talk to her for a hour here and there. But it seems the rest of the family expected just as much of my time. They made some comments to my fiancée that I don’t talk to them enough. Up until this deployment I had though I was on good terms with the Dad and younger sister. There was already some problems with the older sister.
Background on this:
I celebrated Christmas with my fiancée’s family and we had both agreed not to buy the other’s family gifts because we are tight on money. My family had no problem with this at all. And I had thought his would be okay also, but after we left, his sister called my fiancée up and complained that I hadn’t gotten them anything, among some other things. My fiancée got mad, but he told me to not let it bother me. He believes his sister is just trying to make herself feel better by finding fault with me. She constantly makes comments about not being married, living alone and that we are getting married before her. She at one point after hearing on the news about the tragic death of someone in their hometown, she commented that she should think her life is so terrible, when compared to that, just because she’s not as pretty, or as skinny or not getting married (and while saying these three things she pointed at me). (also as a side note, since she is the oldest, she is a little bossy which so his my older sister, but she is started to direct some of it towards me. Telling me that it’s my job to make sure cards are sent out to her family members for holidays. And that for this upcoming Valentines day that I needed to send their mom a card. Not that that is bad advice, I just don’t feel I should be told to do that.)
However during this latest deployment I received some emails from his dad that seemed to be kind of passive aggressive. In them he’d ask how I am doing and such and then he’d go right into “the girls feel like they are loosing their brother.” and then talk about how close they are (which is all honestly I don’t really think they are) and the because of the divorce the kids feel that the three of them are all the family they have. So, I didn’t know any other way to take that then that I’m stealing their brother away. I know he didn’t write them all that much while he was over there, so if that is their complaint, I don’t know why they took it out on me. I don’t control whom he writes. The older sister has made references to me that she didn’t seem to think that I’d let them know when he’d be coming back. I kept telling them I’d call and let them know once I heard something. The dad also wrote his son (and sent a copy of the message to me) that contained a story about some blonde he say that day driving really stupid. Then he said, you’re marring a blonde, draw your own conclusion. I guess it was supposed to be a joke because he had sent it to me also and wrote that he hopes I have a good sense of humor. But I just didn’t get it. I’m not a blonde and I’ve never been in a car accident or anything. It just seemed mean.
My fiancée again told me not to let it bother me. It was probably just his dad’s way of getting his attention so that he’d write him back. But if that was his reason, that bothers me.
My fiancée has made comments in the past about not seeing his family enough since he now lives hours away from them. And complains when I want to spend a holiday with my family. But when he does take off time to go home he only take a day or two at the max. I always tell him to take off more time and go visit, but he hardly ever does it (and he is capable of doing it, he is just puts work first). But then he goes and blames me once in a while for not seeing his family enough. Because he’s always here and he sees mine more (which is true, but he doesn’t spend a lot of time with them, my sister doesn’t even know him that well yet, he just “sees” them).
The family likes to use guilt trips and leverage to get what they want. In a letter that his older sister sent him while he was in Iraq she made multiple references to how she was taking time out of her schedule to write him, how much the card had cost her (in US and Canadian), that she has to walk to the post office in the snow to pay a lot of money in shipping so he better be grateful. She also proceeded to again make reference to being “all alone, no man, no friends” and such. And then said, just kidding.
My family, my fiancée and I are paying for the wedding. His mom has offered to help which I appreciate, but she has a history of taking advantage of the cards she holds and then hanging it over your head. The dad has made no attempt at helping (not that he’s against it). But I don’t think my fiancée would except money even if it was offered. His dad had traded cars with him (claiming his was better since it had less mileage), but my fiancée just took his word for it. Right away it gave us problems and when we brought it in we found out the transmission was shot. It cost us $2,000 to fix it. And all his dad had to say was that things happen. Months later he did offer to give us some money to help pay for it, but my fiancée wouldn’t accept it.
My parents have been very supportive of us both. My dad has helped fix his car for free (he always tries to repay my dad, but he won’t let him), they’ve also given him some furniture for his apartment since he didn’t have much to start out with. But it doesn’t come with any strings attached. His family has offered to let him buy stuff from them or with other things it results in, “now you owe me”.
I don’t know what to make of my future in-laws. They are nice to my face, but yet they keep giving me these mixed signals. I would like to live close to my family and extended family (they all live in the same area) but he has a desire to move back to his hometown about 5 hours away. I don’t want to move closer to his family when I don’t feel the support from them like I do mine.
I’m wondering if I’m being too sensitive, how I should expect my fiancée to be with them and me, or how I should deal the situation. (I don’t confrontation and neither does my fiancée, so this might be a problem for us).
Answer Unfortunately, the family in-laws that you speak of are typical for some and others get really lucky and have in-laws like your parents. Your fiance should thank his lucky stars that your parents are normal and that he will be treated nicely as opposed to how you will be treated by his family.
Going forward, it seems that you have noticed some key things about your fiance's family that should be remembered.
His sister is petty, has self esteem issues, and is jealous of anyone who has anything she wants. For example, if your sister-in-law did get married in the future then she would be complaining about how you and your husband have more than they do or that you have children and they don't. See what I'm getting at? She is going to complain and be jealous no matter what the issue is so take everything she says and filter it through the following statement. If what she says to you is hurtful, inaccurate, jealousy, or rude ignore it and move on. It is not worth your time and effort to worry about.
Your MIL is a manipulator, she will say, do, act, and react in any way possible in order to achieve her goals. Do not trust anything that she agrees to do because she will change her mind. She will do this because she will want to be agreeable at the time and to look good but after further thought she will change her mind because she will feel that she is being taken advantage of. If she actually follows through with her agreement to do anything promised she will continue to feel taken advantage of until either you or your fiance makes some grand gesture to make her feel that she has received equally as she gave. Be kind to her, keep her at arms length, and do not under any circumstances take her into your confidences. She will use whatever she can find in order to accomplish her needs.
Your FIL is a user who is attempting to be a manipulator because he recognizes the good affects your MIL gets by being so. Your FIL is attempting to be on everyone's good side but not succeeding because you can never make everyone happy. By saying the things to you about your sister in laws feeling that they are losing a brother he is attempting to be on their side but offending you, he must have wanted something or acceptance from them at the time. You, however, are not the one to address this issue. You are the new family member, or at least you should be. If his family feels like they are losing him instead of gaining you then there is a problem in how they are perceiving you and your fiance will have to address this issue.
Christmas gift SIL, this sister is attempting to cause trouble for you with her brother because she feels threatened. It would be helpful if you made very clear to everyone that you will not be purchasing gifts for each other's family in order to allow them the opportunity to not purchase gifts for you. I believe that you should not receive gifts if you don't provide gifts to others at Christmas, of course this rule does not apply to little children because they have no way and means to purchase gifts. This rule only applies to adults who are mature and can make decisions on how much and if to purchase gifts for others. I would suggest that you propose the name drawing method for Christmas gifting. Put everyone's name in a hat and let everyone draw and then only buy for that one person, much less expensive all around and that one person can get a really nice gift instead of everyone getting less expensive gifts that they won't want. Of course, many a family member has objected to this because they use Christmas gifts to gauge how much they are liked by others and this completely destroys that mentality. Yes, there really are sad people out there like that which is why I think we should outlaw Christmas mass gifting all together. Every Christmas is a drain on everyone for a thousand reasons, none of which are important and meaningful to the season. (climbing down from my soap box now)
I have one hard and fast rule, if your fiance ever has a problem with your family he should go to you and if you ever have a problem with his family you should go to him. Never address problems with his family to them directly because you become the outsider butting in. And, if his family has an issue with you they should take it up with him. It is inappropriate for any member of his family to directly address their problems to you without him there to intervene. So, since they don't seem to understand these unwritten rules of being classy to your inlaws then you will have to simply pass along any problems they have with you to your fiance when you feel it is appropriate. If their issues are petty and not significant they can surely wait until he is away from harm and home to deal with it.
If you keep these things in mind and realize that you can't change others then you will be just fine. Know who you can trust and depend on and who you can't and everything will work out wonderfully.
Have a wonderful marriage!
