About SDW Expertise I would be happy to answer any questions regarding any situation you have with your inlaws. I have been married for many years, have been church affiliated and/or a staff member for over 20 years, and have counseled many people in that capacity. I take pride in providing answers that will give honest insight and concrete direction to go forward like many of the wellknown advice counselors. I believe that being a shoulder for you to lean on is important but much more important is advice that you can put into action to make your life better!
Experience I have several years of psychology education, many years of counseling experience, and have been very helpful in my own family. It is a wonderful feeling to realize that you have helped others and made their lives better.
Education/Credentials Many years of church counseling, Several years of psychology course work, BSA in accounting, and MBA candidate.
Question QUESTION: I have been married for 18 years to a great guy.My father in law and mother in law have been divorced and remarried for over 20 years. Neither set of grandparents show any interest in my children except for birthdays and Chistmas(they send a card). We often see and hear about other children going to the park, the zoo out for ice cream, disney, visiting with grandparents.It makes us jealous and resentful since our children do not have this kind of relationship with thier own grandparents.My husband has spoken to his father several times over the course of the last 10 years. He always seems to have an excuse why my kids can't come up to visit him (the bad dog he has,he has to tend to his horses). Our requests to have him more involved with our childrens lives seems to have fallen on deaf ears. The last time my children were invited up to see him was 10 years ago. My kids are now 10,12 and 15. Nothing has changed. It seems as though it's his way or the highway.Seems like it will now be the highway. I wrote him a 5 page letter about the things that have been bothering me that i have kept bottled up for nearly 12 years about his half interest in his grandchildren. After he received the letter, he came from Vermont to Mass. to "talk" about it (he says). I thought I had made a great stride in getting him to realize the kids are half grown and before long, they will be in HS and college.Well, he came down yesterday,went to breakfast, talked about Barack Obama and Hilary(small talk) but nothing about the letter was mentioned. After his 12 hour visit, still no word until it was time to leave. All he said about the letter was "I got your letter, it was real nice" my response was"you like that huh?" he then replied "thanks for judging my life" then proceeded to walk out the door.I was left thinking THATS IT??? A 5 page letter dealing with our entire family relationship and thats all it was worth was one or two persnickety lines? I immediately became furious and told him he was not welcome back to my home again. I have never appreciated my FIL's relationship(or lack of) with my kids, but I have kept my mouth shut for years hoping things would get better after he promised it would when he retired 5 years ago. Things never did change so i felt it was now or never in confronting him since it was a long time coming. My question is how much would I be hurting my children if I cut off ties to thier grandfather? I have kept the peace this long because I understand the importance of the extended family, however he sees them 2-3 times a year for a few hours and they get a card at birthdays and Christmas so how much damage would be done by completely severing ties with him? I have been torn about this for years now, but feel I can no loger live with the way things are. As my grandmother used to say , "either @#$* or get off the pot". Since he did not turn around and come in to talk after I told him never to return and did not say a bloody thing all day until he jabbed and ran out the door, I feel he does not care enough to make things right and may not be worth the effort. I am confused, please help with any advice. Thank you.
ANSWER: Candy, I understand how you feel and that you want the relationship between your children and their grandfather to be something that it is not. I think that you have said what you have to say and that your husband's father understands where you are coming from and is incapable of complying with your demands. You cannot make another person do what you want them to do. You have that control over your children, to a certain extent, but he is an adult and he simply does not answer to you. If he wanted to hang out with the grandkids and take them places then he would do it. The more you push him then the more he will refuse to do so. Also, you must remember that he is an elder in your family and your husband's father. He deserves your respect for that position and from his reaction during his visit, I think he could have been quite hateful about your letter but wasn't.
Every family is different because people are different. If he does not feel comfortable being close to the grandchildren then you must allow him his space because he deserves that, just for being a human being. Not every family has happy trips to see the grandparents. The reality of this situation is that you are asking your husband's father to be someone that he is not. You are angry about a situation that you have no control over and that you have no right to expect. We can't look around us and see a nicer house and be angry because that is not our house, or be angry because someone has a better job, or get upset because we feel that someone else's marriage is worse or better than ours. Along that same line of thinking you really have no reason to expect that your children's relationship with their grandfather will be like other peoples. It would be nice if it were so but that just isn't the way your family is. Be happy that he is alive for his son to have a relationship with and that he remembers Birthdays and Christmas. Be happy that he isn't hateful and doesn't want to hurt anyone. I see no reason to cut ties with your husband's father just because he is incapable of living up to the ideal relationship that you feel he should have with his grandchildren. He has been married several times and you didn't say anything about another wife so I am assuming he is alone. Men of that generation do not do well with children on their own. That is what the women always excelled at, he may just not have the skills to deal with them and may actually be more comfortable when they are older than now.
I suggest that you try to look at this from his point of view and realize that he may just be a nice older guy who isn't comfortable with children. This doesn't make him evil or less of a grandfather and it doesn't mean that he wasn't a good dad to your husband. Maybe if you approach this in a kind way and invite him to your home more often then you could help him and possibly move the relationship along with your children. I know you have been upset about this for a while so it will be hard to let go of everything you have been feeling, but it will be worth it. I'm sure you have more important things to put your energy into and you will feel better when you let go of the anger and let him be who he is.
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QUESTION: WOW!! Not at ALL the response I expected. I surmise from your response, you either have no grandchildren or are the same type of grandparent my FIL is.I feel that i may have struck a nerve?
I feel respect must be earned not given unconditionally. The fact that he has very little to do with his grandchildren, does make him "less of a grandfather" in my eyes. Both my husband and myself have had the luxury of having loving and caring grandparents, so we both understand what it feels like to be loved. My children do not feel that from my FIL, who, by the way, was the same type of father as he is a grandfather. He left his wife and children for another woman after a string of affairs. Also, he is not alone, he married his last affair.
Every grandchild deserves love from a grandparent, period.Why should I have "no reason to expect" a relationship with him like other peoples? I don't think it is asking tooo much to be involved with thier lives.
Why should i be happy that my FIL is alive for my husband? He has had the same type of relationship with my husband his entire life. part time dad, part time grandparent.
His sencond wife to whom he is still married, has such little care and feelings about my FIL'S children and grandchildren that when my husbands sister died last year(she was 42) my FIL's wife did not even bother to attend the wake and funeral.I should have invited him to my home more often? How do you know I haven't and he made up some lame excuse?
I sent the same question to the parenting section of "AllEXPERTS" and the reply was entirely different. Seems your advice to me is that:
1. I should be lucky he is alive
2. I should be glad he wasn't more hateful about my letter
3.I have no right to expect a relationship from him
4.He deserves his space because he is a human
5.I should be happy that he doesn't want to hurt anyone
6.He is an elder and deserves respect just for being in that position.
7. I should just accept it and let him be who he is.
WOW.He's just a nice older guy.I should give him the room and the respect that he deserves.How DARE I ask and feel my children are entitled to his attention. Shame on me. The poor old nice guy just simply doesn't have the skills to deal with his own grandchildren.What an awful mother I am, expecting him to be capable of complying to my demands to see his grandchildren more often.
I do have more importand things to put my energy into, like my children. I thought trying to put my energy into having a grandfather for my children might be worth it.
Thank you. It is people with opinions like yours that make me realize how self centered people really are.
I will take your advice and let him be who he is , as I have for the last 15 years that I have been a mother.
He can be who he is alone. Thank you. Your advice has convinced me that there are people out there who just put themselves first and not the children. We don't need someone like that in our lives.
ANSWER: Other people may agree with you and say that he is awful and oh how horrible he is for not doing exactly what you ask him to. This will make you happy and have you believing that they have indeed given you good advice because it agrees with what you want to hear.
I, on the other hand, will tell you that you cannot force anyone to do what you want them to. For this reason you can put your energy into forming a stronger relationship with him that may possibly lead to your needs being fulfilled. However, if you choose to isolate him from his son, yourself, and your children then you will never achieve the dream of them having a relationship and all your anger will have been wasted.
I understand that you are angry because you really want someone to tell you to write him off and that you are right. I do not agree that you are right. I feel that he made an attempt by coming to your home after your letter and that, in his way, he attempted unsuccessfully to connect with you. I also do not agree that you are a bad mother. His inability to be a good father and grandfather are no baring on your parenting skills. And, as you stated in your response, he was a bad father so why would you expect him to be a better grandfather? This simply bares out that he does not have the skills to deal with children and will not put himself in that place. You have just proven my answer to you. Another question is why, if he was such a bad father to your husband, would you even want him to repeat those mistakes with your own children? Your anger over his inabilities seems unjustified because you have known him to be incapable for quite some time.
Your children respect you and they have only been on this earth for a short time, hardly enough time for you to have actually earned it. It is expected because you are the parent, it is biblical, whether you like it or not, that parents deserve respect from their children. And as your husband's wife, his father and his family, deserve your respect. Just as you deserve respect as a mother and elder to your family and children, others deserve that respect as parents. They may not be good parents, and they may have made mistakes as all people do, but we don't write our parents off for everything they did wrong in our lives or there would be broken families everywhere. There are obvious extremes to bad parenting like abuse that warrant disrespect and child removal from parents but I am obviously speaking to average parents with average parenting skills. Your husband's father was "unavailable" in many ways and incapable of being a good father figure but did not warrant removal for physical, sexual, or emotional abuse or your husband would not have a relationship of any kind with him today.
You actually did not strike a nerve with me because, believe it or not, I had a wonderful grandfather who went above and beyond what he was required to do. He was the grandfather who took on the role of a father and that made everyone else jealous of our relationship to the day he passed. He taught me wisdom, strength, and understanding beyond my years.
I understand only too well how important grandparents are in our lives but what you don't seem to understand is that even if he did attempt to be closer to your children and be around more often he would not have anything to give. Surely you are interested in a real relationship bond, not just a trip to the zoo or other such distraction. I am sorry if you are offended but if he is incapable of being who you want him to be then you are throwing yourself against a rock and only hurting yourself. Your anger at him, and now at me for telling you the truth, serves you no purpose and your isolation from him won't force him to do or be anything more than the sum total of who he already is. So yes, move on and let go of your rage at him and others for the unjustness of life, put your energy in your children.
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QUESTION: Yes, many points I agree with you on. The first being that I have been throwing myself against a rock. Second ,that you can't force someone to be who they are not. Third, that he was a bad parent and why would I expect anything more.
In reading your response, I would be very surprised if you were either a parent or a grandparent yourself. On becoming a parent 15 years and two days ago, I have learned that there is no greater love than a parent to a child. It is a crying shame that the patriarchy of the family chooses to be an island. Surely that is not what "god" intends for us as teachers to our offspring.Also i beleive in 15 years, I have absolutely earned the respect of my children. It is a shame that an "expert" sees through the eyes of the grandfather and his selfishness with affection instead of through the childrens eyes.It would be mind boggling to beleive you are a parent or gandparent. My feelings say you are neither.
Answer I understand your anger toward your husband's father but I do not warrant your anger and rudeness for speaking the truth to you. I lost my child several years ago and it is a pain that endures with both myself and my husband to this day. Your love for your children is no greater than my love for my child and her loss is more than you may even be able to comprehend. Any child under the age of 20 has a difficult time understanding respect much less thinking about whether a parent has earned any, so whether you feel you earned it or not they would not be aware enough to understand it cognitively.
My expertise is in explaining this situation to you from all angles not just your own. I agree that the grandfather is incapable and selfish regarding your husband and his children but have attempted to let you see his limitations as a person in order to help you find forgiveness and peace. This is not taking his side or agreeing with his actions and in no way should be interpreted as "seeing through his eyes."
God intends for himself to be the judge of others and he expects us to forgive. He does this because we all have sinned and fallen short, all of us which includes you. So while you rage and say horribly hurtful and rude things to me for being truthful and honest with you while attempting piety by instructing about what God intends for us to act like, my advice is still the same. Let go of your hateful rage at him, me, and others for the unjustness of life and put your good energy into your children.
