About SDW Expertise I would be happy to answer any questions regarding any situation you have with your inlaws. I have been married for many years, have been church affiliated and/or a staff member for over 20 years, and have counseled many people in that capacity. I take pride in providing answers that will give honest insight and concrete direction to go forward like many of the wellknown advice counselors. I believe that being a shoulder for you to lean on is important but much more important is advice that you can put into action to make your life better!
Experience I have several years of psychology education, many years of counseling experience, and have been very helpful in my own family. It is a wonderful feeling to realize that you have helped others and made their lives better.
Education/Credentials Many years of church counseling, Several years of psychology course work, BSA in accounting, and MBA candidate.
Question I have been married for 18 years to a great guy.My father in law and mother in law have been divorced and remarried for over 20 years. Neither set of grandparents show any interest in my children except for birthdays and Chistmas(they send a card). We often see and hear about other children going to the park, the zoo out for ice cream, disney, visiting with grandparents.It makes us jealous and resentful since our children do not have this kind of relationship with thier own grandparents.My husband has spoken to his father several times over the course of the last 10 years. He always seems to have an excuse why my kids can't come up to visit him (the bad dog he has,he has to tend to his horses). Our requests to have him more involved with our childrens lives seems to have fallen on deaf ears. The last time my children were invited up to see him was 10 years ago. My kids are now 10,12 and 15. Nothing has changed. It seems as though it's his way or the highway.Seems like it will now be the highway. I wrote him a 5 page letter about the things that have been bothering me that i have kept bottled up for nearly 12 years about his half interest in his grandchildren. After he received the letter, he came from Vermont to Mass. to "talk" about it (he says). I thought I had made a great stride in getting him to realize the kids are half grown and before long, they will be in HS and college.Well, he came down yesterday,went to breakfast, talked about Barack Obama and Hilary(small talk) but nothing about the letter was mentioned. After his 12 hour visit, still no word until it was time to leave. All he said about the letter was "I got your letter, it was real nice" my response was"you like that huh?" he then replied "thanks for judging my life" then proceeded to walk out the door.I was left thinking THATS IT??? A 5 page letter dealing with our entire family relationship and thats all it was worth was one or two persnickety lines? I immediately became furious and told him he was not welcome back to my home again. I have never appreciated my FIL's relationship(or lack of) with my kids, but I have kept my mouth shut for years hoping things would get better after he promised it would when he retired 5 years ago. Things never did change so i felt it was now or never in confronting him since it was a long time coming. My question is how much would I be hurting my children if I cut off ties to thier grandfather? I have kept the peace this long because I understand the importance of the extended family, however he sees them 2-3 times a year for a few hours and they get a card at birthdays and Christmas so how much damage would be done by completely severing ties with him? I have been torn about this for years now, but feel I can no loger live with the way things are. As my grandmother used to say , "either @#$* or get off the pot". Since he did not turn around and come in to talk after I told him never to return and did not say a bloody thing all day until he jabbed and ran out the door, I feel he does not care enough to make things right and may not be worth the effort. I am confused, please help with any advice. Thank you.
Answer Candy, I understand how you feel and that you want the relationship between your children and their grandfather to be something that it is not. I think that you have said what you have to say and that your husband's father understands where you are coming from and is incapable of complying with your demands. You cannot make another person do what you want them to do. You have that control over your children, to a certain extent, but he is an adult and he simply does not answer to you. If he wanted to hang out with the grandkids and take them places then he would do it. The more you push him then the more he will refuse to do so. Also, you must remember that he is an elder in your family and your husband's father. He deserves your respect for that position and from his reaction during his visit, I think he could have been quite hateful about your letter but wasn't.
Every family is different because people are different. If he does not feel comfortable being close to the grandchildren then you must allow him his space because he deserves that, just for being a human being. Not every family has happy trips to see the grandparents. The reality of this situation is that you are asking your husband's father to be someone that he is not. You are angry about a situation that you have no control over and that you have no right to expect. We can't look around us and see a nicer house and be angry because that is not our house, or be angry because someone has a better job, or get upset because we feel that someone else's marriage is worse or better than ours. Along that same line of thinking you really have no reason to expect that your children's relationship with their grandfather will be like other peoples. It would be nice if it were so but that just isn't the way your family is. Be happy that he is alive for his son to have a relationship with and that he remembers Birthdays and Christmas. Be happy that he isn't hateful and doesn't want to hurt anyone. I see no reason to cut ties with your husband's father just because he is incapable of living up to the ideal relationship that you feel he should have with his grandchildren. He has been married several times and you didn't say anything about another wife so I am assuming he is alone. Men of that generation do not do well with children on their own. That is what the women always excelled at, he may just not have the skills to deal with them and may actually be more comfortable when they are older than now.
I suggest that you try to look at this from his point of view and realize that he may just be a nice older guy who isn't comfortable with children. This doesn't make him evil or less of a grandfather and it doesn't mean that he wasn't a good dad to your husband. Maybe if you approach this in a kind way and invite him to your home more often then you could help him and possibly move the relationship along with your children. I know you have been upset about this for a while so it will be hard to let go of everything you have been feeling, but it will be worth it. I'm sure you have more important things to put your energy into and you will feel better when you let go of the anger and let him be who he is.
