AboutVani Expertise Can tackle queries pertaining to relationship with in-laws especially in cases of love marriages, where both partners belong to different cultures or backgrounds or castes or countries.
Experience 12 years of married life, cross cultural experience, in India.
Education/Credentials Masters in Business Administration
Expert: Vani
Date: 5/27/2008
Subject: In Law Relations
Question
Question
Question : We got married in 1998. And till today I search for peaceful moment in my life. My mother in law always interferes in our married life. She always gives the wrong things in my wife's mind. I have a son 8 years old and daughter 1 month old. When I married I was getting Rs.7k per month and now I am getting Rs.50K and in ten years I have my own house registered with my wife's name, I have given my son in a good reputed school, every year I take my family out for 10 days vacation, when ever she asked for gold jewelry I bought for her. I mean to say I tried to keep her happy in every way she needs. But she is fighting with me every time because of I care for my brother and my parents. My parents and my brother are staying near to me 50 meters away from my home and I meet everyday with them. My wife and her mother telling why you meet everyday and why you care for them let them enjoy their life on their own way, you have your family and you look after for your family only. What I can do sir, they can say if I only take care of my parents and brother, but I care for my family also. My mother in law says to my wife you stay separately with your children and let your husband stay with his parents. I don't understand how a mother can advise to her married daughter. I love my wife and children and also my parents and brother. How can I leave my parents and brother just to make my wife happy? What ever I do for her she doesn't get happy, see can get happy if I leave my parents and bother aside. Tell me Sir who is right me or she. What is your advice, I like to maintain a peaceful life ,but for shake of peaceful life, even I get angry I afraid to tell anything to my wife , if I tell something then MAHABHARAT starts ,I don't want to discuss this with my parents , Because they love my wife so much but they don't know the reality what I am facing in real life. Please advise I have written this with a great hope. Is Reiki therapy can give a solution for this?
Answer
Hi Manoj,
Its not uncommon to have a mother who wants to guide each waking moment of her daughter's life. I understand what you are going through. You cannot keep your MIL out of your life so on that front just stop applying thought.
Now to pacify your wife and have peace too, tell her that you will visit your parents every alternate day or on weekends or any such arrangement which keeps her happy and does not hurt your parents too. Instead of visiting them at home you can meet your brother at his office / college or meet your father in a park. This would also take out this habit thing from your meetings and add some spice to their life too.
Also you need to act tough with your wife next time she threatens you on this topic. Tell her very clearly that she needs to keep out of your relations with your parents the way you keep out of how she interacts with her mother. Next time she starts this fight ignore her and go for a walk. Show her with actions that you won't tolerate this any longer. Believe me your wife's bullying will stop the minute she realizes that you are really angry.
Regards,
Vani
thanks for the reply.
adding a question on your reply,
Q: as per your suggestion i cann't stop visiting my parents. they are very old ,my father 75 and mother 65 ,they don't want me to sit there with them, they just want me to see once in a day.as far as brother is concern we meet only on week days.but he is a person,he never do any thing without asking me any thing,if calls me also my wife get angry. i really don't how to make her understand.
Answer
Hi Manoj,
I have not asked you to stop visiting them, in fact have asked you to spend more time in terms of taking them out once in a while. You got to set a time table that daily you will be at their place from say 8 to 830 and tell your wife that you WILL do that come what may. Then let her decide that she wants a Mahabharat daily or is she happy with this arrangement. Am sure she is a bully and can be set right by you being tough.
Regards,
Vani
thanks for your answer.
please one more question:
I am matured enough and i know my responsibilities to my family.as i told you in earlier my ten years of married life ,I have my own house registered with my wife's name, I have given my son in a good reputed school, every year I take my family out for 10 days vacation, when ever she asked for gold jewelry I bought for her and i have made some bank balances and those things my wife knows very well.but her mother says to others that he is not thinking for his family,he has a daughter (two months baby now) he is not thinking for her future and all the money he earns ,spends all for his parents and brother.
Madam I am not a qualified who can earn lakhs and lakhs by Gods grace what ever i am earning i am doing my best,
pls help me ...
Answer Hi Manoj,
You are a responsible adult that I can make out from your earlier mails. Why don't you speak to your MIL once and for all? Quite likely that when she hears the truth from your mouth, she will learn to be quiet and not interfere. Or if you really want to take it too far threaten her that if you see here interfere in your personal life again, you will ensure that your wife never meets her ever again.
