AboutDavid Simonsen Expertise I can answer you questions clearly and straight. Let me help you get your in-law relationships figured out. They can really be challenging.
Experience I meet weekly with families that have in-law challenges.
Organizations AAMFT;AACC
Education/Credentials B.A. M.S. Marriage & Family Therapy
Expert: David Simonsen Date: 6/27/2008 Subject: Rude sister-in-law
Question A little about myself -- I'm a wife and mother of 3 kids. I have an 11 year old, a 7 year old and a 3 year old. I am a stay home mother as my husband earns enough for us to afford this luxury.
My brother has been married for almost 11 years. We're from a 3rd generation Filipino background and my sister-in-law is from a 1st generation Chinese background. I mention this because I wonder if some of the issues I have with her are culturally based. While my family of origin has strong ties to the Fil/Am community, culturally, we are Americans first. They have 3 kids, twins aged 3 years old and a baby of 6 mos at the time of this email.
Before they got married, I desperately wanted to tell my brother my misgivings about their impending nuptials but I held my tongue. I think I did the right thing as he was in love and had I told him I didn't like his fiancee, I could have destroyed my relationship with him. We had always been very close.
Over the years, that closeness has eroded partly because of my dislike for his wife. I still speak to him on the phone about once every 3 weeks and we are in contact via email at least weekly. I don't openly dislike his wife or speak disparagingly of her in front of him, but when we visit with them, I am with her the entire time as she is a stay-home mother as well.
I just returned from visiting with them. They live in another state. I brought my 3 kids with me and I have to tell you, I am stumped.
I think she is verbally abusive towards my brother and I think he tolerates it for the sake of family harmony. On my first day there in front of her kids, in front of my mother, and in front of my children, she called my brother a "dumb*ss." He was sitting on one side of the dining table, she on the other. She was holding the baby but had to get something from the other room. He said to hand him the baby so she could have her hands free. She hostilely said, "you want me to throw him to you." My brother (to diffuse the hostility I think) jokingly said, "sure, I'm ready," and gestured like he was getting ready to catch a ball. That's when she said, "You dumb*ss." My kids were in shock and so was my mother.
In my presence I have heard her call him an idiot to his face and behind his back. Totally unprovoked. Once it was because he was working on his laptop and when one of the kids started whining, he didn't jump up to deal with the situation. Another time was because he was going to the bathroom and wasn't in the living room to take care of the kids. But the vitriol doesn't stop at my brother. I've heard her scolding her son (3 years old) telling him that he was a bad boy and that she has no love in her heart for bad boys. When I've been alone with her, she's actually tried to confide in me about how much my mother grates on her nerves. Honestly, whom does she think she's talking to? My mother lives in another state from them. When the twins and when the baby was born, she came up and stayed with them for an extended period of time (6 mos for the twins and 2 months for the most recent baby.) This was done at a huge financial burden to my mother. They didn't pay for her plane tickets nor compensate her in any way -- not that she would have taken the renumeration had they offered it. She left her job to do this. But I think such sacrifice should come with some respect at the very least.
I think what is most difficult for me is how angry and sad everybody in that house looks. Much of the day my sister-in-law is scolding her kids for "not behaving" yet from what I can see she doesn't give them clear expectations of what "behaving" looks like. When a toy is fought over, she simply takes it away. The kids are left with literally nothing in their presence to play with. No toys. There is no lesson in sharing or taking turns. Instead, they have the television running all the time. This is not an exaggeration. My own kids were absolutely fried from so much television time (showing the entire Harry Potter series to 3 year old kids), to the point where they were begging to play board games by the 4th day of our visit. By the time my brother gets home, my sister-in-law is frazzled and irritated. Her ire is directly pointed at my brother who has spent the day working. He's enabled her to put the 3 year old kids into all day preschool so she really only has to deal with all 3 kids for about 2 hours before my brother gets home.
I've been quiet. It's their home. But I'm angry with how she treats her husband and her kids. There is very little respect in the house. I want to tell her to be respectful and grateful for the work that my brother does. That her being able to stay home with the kids is a rare gift in this society. That calling him an idiot or a dumb*ss in front of her children is nothing but damaging. That my brother is a saint for not having scolded her for her mouth in front of us. I don't know if he's ever said anything to her about it. And that she's hurting her kids by so much television time with such inappropriate viewing material.
I've circuitously suggested that she develop a social network by going to playgroups to meet other mothers. She says she has no time for that. She claims that she doesn't have time to visit with her own friends. I've suggested that she look into parenting classes because my kids' preschool offered them and I found them valuable for my own edification. She again claims no time. I just don't see any joy in that home and I don't know if it is because I'm there or because that is just the way it always is. I haven't even dared suggesting Marriage Encounter through the church. I just don't know how open she would be to learn anything though.
I actually find myself fantasizing about them getting divorced. I've toyed with the idea of writing my brother a note thanking him for our visit and telling him that I was really uncomfortable with how his wife speaks obscenities in front of me and the kids. I also thought about suggesting a parenting class directly to him or sending him a parenting book so that he can institute some things that way. But I think that would be intrusive too. I don't know if there is anything that I can conceivably do that would help in any way. Do you have any suggestions?
Answer Tess,
It would make sense to write a letter, but I would suggest it be to both not just one. If you choose to do this you need to recognize that the relationship may be severed. If he is "in love" or even if he feels it is his duty to be loyal to the wife contact with your brother would probably be minimized because of this letter you would write. You could make it simpler and simply not go to visit. This would force them to visit you and you would be the one calling the shots etc...There isn't much you could do because the only way she is going to know her behavior is bad is if she is told. Even then what you describe is someone who is not willing to be taught. If you don't write a letter to both of them I would suggest limiting physical contact. This protects you and your family from the influence of their family. If you brother asks why you can be direct with him.
David
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