About SDW Expertise I would be happy to answer any questions regarding any situation you have with your inlaws. I have been married for many years, have been church affiliated and/or a staff member for over 20 years, and have counseled many people in that capacity. I take pride in providing answers that will give honest insight and concrete direction to go forward like many of the wellknown advice counselors. I believe that being a shoulder for you to lean on is important but much more important is advice that you can put into action to make your life better!
Experience I have several years of psychology education, many years of counseling experience, and have been very helpful in my own family. It is a wonderful feeling to realize that you have helped others and made their lives better.
Education/Credentials Many years of church counseling, Several years of psychology course work, BSA in accounting, and MBA candidate.
Question QUESTION: I've been married to my husband for 28 years and have had a good relationship with my in-laws until about 3 years ago. It started with my in-laws visiting during the Christmas holidays in 2004, my father-in-law's birthday is December 30 and as usual my sister-in-law and her husband were having dinner and cake for his birthday at their house. My in-laws were staying with us during their visit (they live out of state), and got a phone call from there daughter about the b-day dinner. My MIL talked to her daughter for a few minutes and then handed me the phone, my SIL requested that when we came over not to bring my mother (my mom retired in 1997 and moved in with us from out of state). Claimed she didn't want my mother falling on the steps (they have a tri-level house). After I hung up from talking to my SIL I went to talk to my husband in private and told him what his sister had said, then told him if he wanted to go and take our two boys (12 & 9) he could but I had no interest in going if my mother was not welcome. His reply to that was if my mom wasn't welcome then none of us were going. Later while doing some dishes my mother came into the kitchen and asked what time we would be going over for dinner (my mother had always been welcome in the past and not excluded) I told her we would not be going. She asked why and I was not going to lie to her so I told her the truth-we could go but without her-but they would send a plate & cake home for her. While finishing the dishes all she kept wondering was what did she do to my Sister/Brother in law do make them dislike her so much!
For the next month and a half my mother always questioned what she did wrong-I told her she didn't do anything wrong it was them. My mother died suddenly February 2005 still feeling she did something and couldn't understand what it was.
I've had a hard time trying to reason with my SIL's choice to exclude my mother from the b-day dinner, while my MIL tries to say it was my SIL's husband who didn't want my mom over and to keep peace between them she went along with it to avoid an fight. This is usually the way things go-If BIL wants something his way he gets it to avoid a argument. As my in-laws say just do it to keep peace with BIL.
During the first 3-4 months after loosing my mother my husband and I went to my SIL's house a few times. During these visits I thought my SIL might try to explain why my mom wasn't welcome or at least an I'm sorry about your mom passing! Nothing not one word-not even to this day!
About 3 years ago my SIL while talking on the phone to her mom and starting crying/telling her that her brother never calls her anymore. Later while my in-laws were visiting my MIL told my husband he made his sister cry? He had no idea what she was taking about so he asked how he made little sister cry? Answer-he never calls her! So I looked at our phone bills and counted 32 calls in a 5 month period, told this to hubby (he knows he called)and in-laws (they still don't believe it even after showing them the bills). Now hubby doesn't call little sis-says that way she's not telling lies to mom & dad. Is she trying to make him look bad-if so she should know by now my husband/her brother does not care what others think about him-and besides I have sat at the table with her when she calls a friend/family and ask them for a favor and after hanging up says how gullible they are and laughs about it.
During a visit from my in-law's a couple years we all went out to eat and the next day they told me I was cold towards my SIL. I tried to explain to them that I still had feelings about my mom not being welcome at her house and never given an explination by my SIL. Also that my mothers death was never acknowledged in any way by her and that I still couldn't deal with my SIL as long as she didn't see the hurt she caused. The hurt I saw every day in my mothers eyes until the day she died. Again my MIL tries to explain it was to keep peace in the family and my SIL doesn't deal with death very well. Like anyone does! I guess my MIL didn't like what I said about not being able to deal with my SIL because that night and for the rest of there visit they stayed over at SIL's house.
Now every time they come to visis they stay over SIL's house and has even gotten to the point they come up for a 4-5 day visit and they only see there grandsons (my boys for maybe 2-4 hours 1 day) out of the whole visit. They are up visiting now (know they have been here since Friday) today is Monday and we have not seen or heard from them yet. Of course the only reason we know they are here is because I happen to be taking a friend home who lives in the same area as my SIL and rode by her house and saw there car in the drive way. I'm actually thinking they will go back home without even seeing there grandsons this visit. Last summer they were visiting and staying at SIL's house and our oldest son drove by while going to pick up a friend home from college for summer break, he called there cell phone a couple days later and they said they had just gotten here early that morning and they would come to see us after lunch. Don't know why they feel they need to lie about it. When I told my FIL I thought they wern't going to come over to see the boys this visit-he got rather mad and said he doesn't know how I could say something like that and that he would NEVER do anything like that or how I could even think he would drive over 400 miles and not come see the boys!! I think my MIL & FIL hold it against me for not forgiving my SIL, but as I see it an "I'm Sorry" might have gotten the ball rolling to mend the friendship I once had with my SIL.
I have no desire to go over to my SIL house as I don't feel welcome, and my husband says he feels the same and backs me 100%
The last clincher is we had a daughter up until about 4 1/2 years ago-long story. Short story-met boy-we say lazy bumb-doesn't/wouldn't work-we wouldn't give $$ for bills she needed to pay while he sat on couch watch TV play games drink beer/alchol/do drugs so gas would be turned back on. He decides were not welcome to her house anymore, cause we wouldn't help with $$ problems. He drove DUI (bac level .15) totaled out car and almost killed them both and the baby on the way, broke her shoulder and out of work for 2 months, no income so house was lost, he still wouldn't work. Was told we needed to do things the way they wanted or we wouldn't see the baby. We didn't so she told us she no longer considered us family and to leave her the "F" alone. So thats what we are doing-leaving her alone. My MIL & FIL were never treated with disrespect from our x-daughter as we were so if they want to see her that is there choice. We only tried to tell them that they would get hurt if money came into play down the line-they assured us they would not get hurt. First great-grandkid born out of wed-lock (so old fashioned I know)but my FIL is- -always the first to call an un-wed mother a Whore and her child a Bastard-for everyone except his granddaughter and there great granddaughter.
I think my MIL & FIL hold it against us for not having anything to do with our daughter/grandkids. My husband and I both agree that we would rather not have our daughter or the grandkids in our lives just to have the A** H*** rip them away from us, until he decides we can see them again. We've already lost our daughter once don't want to go thru it again-and as for the grandkids-my husband loves kids and I don't know how he would handle not being able to see/be around them. We have never met the grandkids-and they don't know us-so in the long run it's probably better for everyone.
I've lost both my parents-dad in 1983 and mom in 2005. My in-laws have been great to me since I joined the family in 1979 with the exception of the last 3 years. My husband and I just feel we are handling both my unwelcome mother and our x-daughter problem the way we need to handle it and that MIL & FIL should respect our decision and not treat us differently, as they are. As for my SIL I can only hope no one will treat her mom they way she treated mine.
ANSWER: I completely understand your "tough love" approach regarding your daughter but I have a little different view of the situation. My view is the one of the child born into such a situation. My mother, we are close now but we both agree she probably should not have attempted motherhood, was not able to take care of me very well and went from husband to husband throughout my childhood. My grandfather became my father figure and he was a great man. He watched his daughter make bad decision after bad decision, he gave and gave to make sure that we had a roof over our heads and that I had medical care. He taught me that family means everything and they are the legacy of your life. Any common sense, business prowess, character, and capacity for love that I have was due to him. Without him I would have been a statistic like so many other kids in single households. I tell you this story because you are right, your daughter has made bad choices with her mate and situation for bringing children into this world. But, those children need the steadying hand of you and your husband who are strong and stable. I don't agree in giving the shirt off of your back to those who refuse to help themselves. But there are other ways to help such as buying clothes for the children, making sure they eat, and are happy. Surely helping in ways that cannot be taken advantage of would be good and a way to breaching the divide between you and your daughter. I would urge that you reach out to her to make sure that she is well and that the children are well. Please remember that you are the experienced adult here and that although rebellious children scream and rant for parents to leave, that should be the one time that parents refuse to do it because it is for the child's own good that they are there. This is probably what your MIL and FIL are thinking and do not have the courage to say it.
As far as your SIL, FIL, and MIL, I believe you know that they are going to side with their daughter. Most parents would side with a child against any one else and especially with your SIL trying to cause trouble between you all. I don't think they will ever admit that they are being petty and trying to "do unto you as you do unto others." They are quietly trying to give you a taste of your own medicine because they disagree with your actions toward your daughter and their daughter. Their actions are very passive aggressive and it never solves nothing to assume others understand what you are doing without spelling it out. Of course, most don't have the courage to actually say that they are ignoring others for that reason. So this situation always develops and leaves everyone wondering what is going on.
So, you have two options, you can call a family meeting to get everything out into the open and let everyone know how you feel or you can chalk up their actions to pettiness and move on. Should you choose the family meeting route you will bring war into the family because the SIL will not like being told she has done anything wrong, the BIL will not admit anything, and the FIL and MIL will be horrified that you have even brought it up. Short of counseling, this option will not be to your benefit. Should you choose to let them be as you know they are, you will gain a peace over this situation and not worry with it going forward. I am so sorry that your mom has passed. I have lost my father-figure, my grandfather, and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss him, he passed in 2002. Be careful not to let your grief be affected and turned to anger by the actions of your SIL. It could be that your BIL and SIL thought amongst themselves and decided that they don't consider her to be family and that they only wanted "family" at your FIL's birthday party. It is rude and coarse for them to suddenly act this way, but the party was at their house and "technically" they do have the right to ask whom they wish and it probably doesn't mean that they had a problem with her at all. You have to allow them the right to invite whom they wish to their home, and you also have the right to refuse to attend which you did. You made your decision, you followed through by a majority of the guests not attending the party, so the situation should be finished. You made your point and you really should let the matter go. They obviously did not consider your mother to be family to them and therefore didn't feel the need to invite her and for this reason it should be no surprise that they were not kind enough to offer condolences on her passing. But, she was still good, kind, and a good mother, their actions have no affect on who she was and what kind of example she set for her entire life. She has passed and she will be missed, and because their actions are meaningless then they do not warrant your hurt, energy, and anger.
Three years is a very long and exhausting time to have family problems. We can't choose our family and often they hurt us and we must find a way to still be family. Don't write off your daughter because she has made mistakes, it isn't the first time she's done something wrong and it won't be the last, which is as it is with us all. Reach out to your inlaws in a respectful, kind,and peaceful manner. Don't accuse them of anything you know they will be offended about. If they come to town and don't tell you, don't worry about it. Try to keep in touch with them so you know when they are coming ahead of time and try to set plans that way. Hopefully, when they see that you care about the family then they will loosen up and everything will get back to normal.
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QUESTION: If we were to help our x-daughter with clothes, food, babysitting, taking them to the park or on picnics this would just give her husband extra money for alcohol/drugs. Then the first time we didn't help at his request he wouldn't let us see the kids, he has done this before with others. Don't like the idea of the little ones being used as a power item, we really don't want to put them in that situation. Thats why we feel no contact with the grandkids is a better way to go-as they are to young to understand.
I believe my SIL and her family did consider my mother as family due to the reason she had always been invited to previous family gatherings (Thanksgiving, Christmas, picnics). Her son didn't call my mother by name-my SIL told him to call her mom-mom because she was family. SIL said they didn't want her to fall on the stairs yet MIL said it was to keep peace between SIL and hubby (never have liked him but NEVER requested he not come to our home for any occasion. Why lie about it just tell me the truth.
I know a mother/daughter bond is special but my in-laws have a son as well. My husband says his mother wants him to do things her way and because he won't they are treating us differently than in the past-including our boys.
As for my MIL, FIL and keeping in touch so we will know when they are coming-my husband and 13 year old both talked to them while they are at their daughters these past few days and they make it sound like they are at home, not wanting us to know they are visiting so we just leave it alone.
What do I tell my boys (15 & 13) why grandma & grandpa have traveled over 400 miles to visit but cant drive an extra 10 to see them?
Thanks for your opinion but I really don't see things changing. As my husband says we have each other, we have our boys (and our oldest 26 agrees with us about his sister and her husband-said we raised them better than to ever treat us the way she has treated us). In the long run I feel sorry for my SIL & our daughter when anything happens to my in-laws. SIL because she has hurt the relationship with her brother and she will still live with a man who put a gun to her head years ago and asked her if whe wanted to die! This is my main reason for not liking my SIL hubby but as stated earlier NEVER not welcome him into our home! Daughter because it will always be a struggle with money and not having the family she needs.
Thanks again.
Answer I am curious as to why you have asked for guidance in these matters. I get the impression that you feel that you will let the "chips fall were they may" regardless of the circumstances. Keep in mind that children grow up, and it doesn't matter whether they understand why gramma and mommy won't talk. They do understand that gramma isn't around and because of that she doesn't love me and wonder what they did wrong. Children internalize and because of their immaturity they feel and hurt when situations have nothing to do with them. It is your job to find a way to see them and be a part of their lives without being used and taken advantage of. It is far easier to just right everyone off and disown your daughter and her children than to do the right thing. As far as the SIL, if you believe that she loved your mom and thought of her as family, but had a problem with her husband, then you have no right to be angry with her. You know best of her issues with her husband and should realize that she did what she had to and there was no slight against your mother or you. You can't change him or her marriage so let it go. If your inlaws had a sense that you were no longer holding grudges then they may consent to see you and your children. Being able to let go would most likely bring your whole family back together like it was three years ago.
You have your husband and your relationship is good but we are not promised tomorrow, someday you may need them and it would be nice to be able to pick up a phone without bad feelings and hesitation. You have every reason to hold on to the opinions of this situation but this is not making anything better so why not at least try to let go of it? My goal is to try to provide you with a way to move on and bring your family together given the extremely limited information that this forum provides. Of course there are tons of situations that I don't know about that would sway my opinions here or there, but in the end tomorrow is what really matters. You are absolutely right, nothing will change if someone doesn't first change their behavior. And since we cannot control others, and the situation is not working as it is, then we can only change ourselves. I wish you well.
