About SDW Expertise I would be happy to answer any questions regarding any situation you have with your inlaws. I have been married for many years, have been church affiliated and/or a staff member for over 20 years, and have counseled many people in that capacity. I take pride in providing answers that will give honest insight and concrete direction to go forward like many of the wellknown advice counselors. I believe that being a shoulder for you to lean on is important but much more important is advice that you can put into action to make your life better!
Experience I have several years of psychology education, many years of counseling experience, and have been very helpful in my own family. It is a wonderful feeling to realize that you have helped others and made their lives better.
Education/Credentials Many years of church counseling, Several years of psychology course work, BSA in accounting, and MBA candidate.
Expert: SDW Date: 6/23/2008 Subject: mother-in-law to be is a burden
Question I live with my fiance and his mother. She used to be a lovely person, until I got to know her. She had a great marriage with her first husband (my fiance's father) then decided she got bored so, she cheated and divorced the first guy, then married the second one the day after. She then was stuck in that abusive relationship for 20 years. She finally got out of it. But now, she has no job. She's never worked a day in her life. She has no bank account, no credit. No drivers license because of traffic violations. She talks big about being independent, yet she's receiving disability funds from the government because she claims that she has really bad anxiety disorder and can't function properly in normal social settings. Although, she has no trouble taking that money and going out almost every night to go to clubs in skimpy outfits that shouldn't be showing that much skin when you're in your late 40's. Then she comes home, sleeps all morning and watched soaps throughout the day.
She also had really bad privacy issues. She'll go into my closet and wear my clothes without asking because she "has nothing to wear." (then get a job and buy some!) Once, my fiance was sick. I woke up to her standing over our bed because she wanted to make sure that he didn't die in his sleep. I nearly had a heart attack waking up to see her leaning over our bed!!!! She'll use all my toiletries that I pay for. She gives us guilt trips about going out on dates because, "we're leaving her all alone in a scary apartment." What are we supposed to do? Not have our own lives? She even does our laundry and cleans around the house. (you think i'm crazy for complaining about that? hold on...) Then she calls her friends and complains that we don't do anything around the house and we leave everything for her to do, like a slave. My fiance and I both have two jobs and we both go to school full-time. I told her not to clean anything that is ours but she still does it and then bad-mouths us to her friends. How do I know that she talks about us behind our backs? Because she talks to her friends, on the balcony, right outside our window until 2 in the morning! Once I told her to at least go into her room and talk because she's so loud that we can't sleep. She then proceeded to call me a B****, and yell at me because she thought I was a spoiled little girl who always has to have her way. I seriously wanted to smack her. She also treats my fiance like he's a kid. When she talks to him, she uses a voice that normal people will only use when speaking to an infant. She also insists on doing everything for him; laying out his clothes, making his meals, getting him a soda from the fridge, washing his car, cleaning his shoes, etc. She refused to believe that he's capable of taking care of himself. It irks him and it irks me. We tell her that we'll take care of our own things and she shoos us away.
My fiance and I have come to the conclusion that we don't want her living here and we want to kick her out. But we're not heartless. If we kick her out, we know she has no where to go and nothing to survive on. Her entire family doesn't want to deal with her and have all said that they will not put her up. His mother said that she'll move out when we get married but we're not planning on doing that for another year. I don't want to put up with this woman for another year! What do we do? We're so sick and tired of living like for the past 4 years. We're tired. We're a young couple (we're both 26), we're getting our lives together and we don't want her a part of it. And we're not about to get married just to get her out of our lives. What do we do? My fiance is torn because he doesn't want to live like this, but this is his mother we're talking about. and I'm about to just leave and find my own place because I really can't take it anymore. Please help. What can we do? How do we (for lack of a better phrase) kick her out without causing too much drama?
Answer The cold hard truth is that you and your fiance should be living on your own and your mother in law should be living on her own.
If your mother in law can live in the apartment you are already in then you and your fiance can simply move. Just make sure that you don't do it in such a way that it implies punishment to your mother in law. It should be a happy thing and you both should act excited about starting a life together.
If your mother in law cannot live in the apartment you have now then sit down with her to look at her finances and find out where she can live. Disability is not easy to get and if she has it then obviously doctors and others have attested to her mental problems and she will not be able to work. Her disability may be enough for her to live in a small apartment if she manages her money well.
The bottom line is this, I know you are tired but you will not be able to live with yourselves if you just let her wither somewhere. You will have to hang on a little while longer and help her get on her feet without you both. This means helping her get a bank account and anything else she needs in order to move on without you both. Don't take forever doing it and it may be a fight to make her move quickly but in this case you both will be acting as parents and it must be done. Then she will have her life and you both will have yours and she will grow and get better and you both can finally rest. This is the only way it can be.
