AboutVani Expertise Can tackle queries pertaining to relationship with in-laws especially in cases of love marriages, where both partners belong to different cultures or backgrounds or castes or countries.
Experience 11 years of married life, cross cultural experience, in India.
Education/Credentials Masters in Business Administration
Question Hi Vani
Iam writing this with the hope that you will be clearly able to visualise my position and offer something practical. Just to explain abt myself, Iam a very sensitive, affectionate, fun-loving yet egoistic person.
As is usual with Indian DILs, iam patiently tolerating the tantrums of in laws for the past 9 years of marriage. Thankfully, we are staying in Dubai and so this happens yearly once only. My in laws always taunt me behind my husband's back, so that he is never able to confront them. My husband is a wonderful person and has been a very dutiful son to his parents. THey dote over him and he dotes over me. I have a wonderful married life. So my in-laws are very jealous of me. Therefore, they have never in so many years once supported or appreciated me. They look for an opportunity to put me down coz they know that my husband loves me very much. But at the same time, they are very confident that their son would never hurt them and they can get away with treating me as they wish. My in laws are very scared of their elder son, so they dare not act in any way causing displeasure to his wife. But Iam the scape goat. Of course, in 9 years they have become better 80%. But now, my tolerance is going down. Iam not able to take even this 20%. I know my husband will be very unhappy, If i quarrel with his parents. So Iam putting up with all his shit.
My friend tells me, there is no use fighting a losing battle...besides, as home-makers, we need to just ignore these negative issues and go on as the responsibility of family-harmony is on our heads... But I feel that all are using me including my husband. Am i saint? Do I not have my own feelings and wishes? My FIL says that we are not giving them enough importance, by consulting them in day-to day affairs. May be true...BUt I hate to involve them as they are biased,irritating and forever judging me!
Now, for that also, I apologized ( as MY MIL was carrying long face since 3 days)..and began to pretend as a good DIL, internally hating them. My husband, is fed up hearing my complaints and gets bugged that why I cant just accept and tolerate them. The problem is my husband is too scared to hurt his parents as he does not connect with them so freely. He says not to take them seriously. Its easy for him to say so...Will he do that for my parents?
Well, in fact, my widowed mother is no better..she behaves to some extent like them towards my husband for which I correct her in my husband's absence. Sometimes, I find my mother itself so hard to please and difficult to tolerate....I dont know what they all want. Despite me doing everything for them, iam always at fault. My friend told me a tamil proverb " if one see faults, one will never have friends". May be true.. Iam no saint?
When i console myself, I end up being depressed and sad. I dont know how to not take things seriously. I dont know how to be positive.
Iam more worried now as they are going to be permanently residing with us in a short while. My conscience tells me that I have a duty towards them and my mother as they have made us what we are. But If I go on putting every one elses interest first and me behind,I will go mad.
In fact, i always visualized a happy life with doting parents and in-laws and happy joint family..which seems a distant dream. How did ladies of yester years live such life? May be they were not brought up with abundant freedom like us. NOw Iam a misfit, trying to satisfy everybody's wants at the end of which iam a candle burning both sides. I want to run away from here...HELP!!
Answer Hi Anu,
As compared to our forefathers, we do possess less patience. Reasons are a plenty right from a hectic lifestyle to tensions related to spouse, job, career, kids, finances, competition etc. I am sure you are trying hard to please all parties but this will take its toll. As people grow old, they tend to become less flexible and irritability sets in due to the fact that they cannot fathom the difference between their generation and yours. Also since they have so much time at hand that gossip and comparison tends to be the only past time.
I think its time you sit with your husband and talk it out with him before they actually shift here bag and baggage. The aim is to keep his parents happy and cared for, if their staying with you is a cause of constant tension, the purpose is defeated. Explain your difference in outlook to him very clearly. May be you can help them financially and they can still be in India. Also its best to keep them occupied with some sort of schedule, may be they can join some NGO or club and be with like minded people of similar age group. Remember, his mood should be good when you strike this topic and no blame game or threats.
Regards,
Vani
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Hi Anu,
I did give a solution in the form of keeping them with like minded people when they visit you next. As for you if you feel that its good to have them around forever then start yoga / meditation and any mild exercise it will help you calm down in any situation. Gardening and music also instill a lot of positive feelings.
Another small step is to say learn cooking from your MIL, she will feel the happiest. You can also take them to a place of worship, that will also keep you calm. You can also try to avoid situations which in past 9 yrs have lead to any chaos e.g. a particular person or topic that always results in some heated arguments or an issue which you have a different opinion on. They need you as well as their son, and so its a nice gesture that you would want them to stay with you in old age. Please do rate my answer again.
