About SDW Expertise I would be happy to answer any questions regarding any situation you have with your inlaws. I have been married for many years, have been church affiliated and/or a staff member for over 20 years, and have counseled many people in that capacity. I take pride in providing answers that will give honest insight and concrete direction to go forward like many of the wellknown advice counselors. I believe that being a shoulder for you to lean on is important but much more important is advice that you can put into action to make your life better!
Experience I have several years of psychology education, many years of counseling experience, and have been very helpful in my own family. It is a wonderful feeling to realize that you have helped others and made their lives better.
Education/Credentials Many years of church counseling, Several years of psychology course work, BSA in accounting, and MBA candidate.
Expert: SDW Date: 7/3/2008 Subject: Father-in-law BLues
Question My situation: I have been married for about eight months and I have just found out I'm expecting my first child. After my three month anniversary my FIL was released from prison and moved to live with us. For the first two months he lived solely off my husband and I. He found a job but still contineus to live with us. We are strapped for money as it is and our house is tiny and we have nowhere to put a nursery. I am a full time student so my husband has the only income. It is really hard for the two of us to make it financially with the burden of someone else. I am confined to my room if I want to watch TV (he has one in his room). I have no privacy and never get a minute alone with my husband to talk. I can't have an opinion in my own home without it being devalued by my FIL. I didn't have time to get accustomed to married life before someone else moved in I'm beginning to resent my husband for not making him look for a place. It is putting a strain on our marrage as well as our bank account. It feels like this temporary situation is getting long long term. What is a diplomatic approach to gettin him to move? I know i would want to help my parents but i feel that they would be more respectful. Please help I'm about to move out myself and don't want to ruin my marriage.
Answer When you go to sleep and your husband is there with you alone, make sure to speak to him of your fears and let him know that you are concerned about this situation. Be sure to remain calm and kind while speaking to your husband about his father, this will help him to listen and hopefully respond in the same manner. Make sure to not complain but clearly state the problems and that the best solution would be that your father in law find another place to live. You will have to be inventive to find the time to speak to your husband without his father around. You may have to stay up later or let him know that you need to talk to him without raising suspicions with your father in law. Find a way to talk to him before you even consider moving out.
You have only been married for a short time but you should be able to speak to your husband about issues that are upsetting to you. This will be your first test with the communication area of your marriage. Try to help your husband understand that you feel for his father's situation but that with your new child you need to have room to create a nursery. It might help to let him know that with a new child the both of you will be up at all hours of the night with feedings and diaper changes. This will be very stressful and tiring for both of you and may not be comfortable for your father in law. He may complain due to the crying baby so you can tell your husband that it may be a good idea for your father in law to move so that he will be able to sleep at night. It couldn't hurt to appeal to your husband in such a way that you seem that you are concerned for everyone involved. This is the most diplomatic way that I see for bringing up the subject of your father in law needing to move.
Please be careful not to resent your husband for this situation. Often children do not see their parents as a problem because they are used to them. It may not have even dawned on your husband that you are having a problem with his father being in your home for so long. Sometimes people just don't pick up hints. Your husband should be the person to approach his father about moving.
