AboutVani Expertise Can tackle queries pertaining to relationship with in-laws especially in cases of love marriages, where both partners belong to different cultures or backgrounds or social strata or castes or countries.
Experience 13 years of married life, cross cultural experience, in India.
Education/Credentials Masters in Business Administration
Question QUESTION: With a lot of faith and trust i want to have guidance for what should i do when our parents are wellwishers but doesn't know that they often harm the environment at home when they behave like children.
i was married to my husband more than 3 years back. i had to wait for 2 years before my mother was satisfied that my hubby is able enough to support me financially and is waiting for me(because my cousin faced a failed engagement due that reason)my MIL was seemingly supportive of me and told me that she understands my mother's view.
my hubby and me work at the airport and have a challenging day everyday. we both had same academics and work in the same spheres so we cn discuss similar topics but we hardly do so at home.
my MIL in my early days of marriage taught me not to be oversmart as this only makes husbands lazy as his husband did....she then always started with complaints of FIL adn a lot more..
earlier i used to do the house chores and she will say it is not a big issue and u do ur job..u can do it later
some times within few days she will behave so much absurd like she will just keep lying in her bed and i have do the whole job singlhandidly...she will show herself pityfull
my FIL also quit his job as he and his sisters thought that he is physically weak and not earning so much financially...MIL was not happy within but she never stopped him...
FIL has a habit of smoking and drinking and everyone at home is unhappy about that...as it is not good for him
MIL can't share talks with him usually as she believes he has a habit of getting angry(which i hardly saw...he just stop communication at her taunts)....so she she started getting taunts and expectations(like wearing what she wants , doing make up when she wants....which i hate to do daily)
since my marriage she used to say if we have a child FIL will get busy and enjoy...
this year she was very excited that i gave birth to my twins...first few weeks were her total hardwork....but she never stopped complaining FIL.
she regrets of being afailure as she had to quit her job because of her children
my SIL is in dubai and she shares her neclear family and PIL prblems with her making MIL more disturb till now...
my husband loves me and wants me to ignore such trivial things because we are dependent upon PIL for our children
My MIL thinks i am not perfect as a mother and offends me by making disrespectful remarks...(may be she venting her anger as a DIL years ago)she shows often her pityful state and sorrow and suffering and complaints for me,my mother(for delaying marriage), FIL and my husband (for giving more attention) etc...
her unbablanced acts makes me go crazy somtimes...
my mother get tensed on any topic so i cant talk to her ..as i feel she will get it diverted to her DIL as my MIL is doing...
i have talked to my husband but he doesn't want to make issues at home...
i have wept alone many times because i think if i talk to some friend or relative there won't be any solution ...
i read books on love trust bravery and patience and so everyone at home expects me to be patient enough to handle those situations when no one is listening my philosophy...while i helped many people around at office too...because they were listening..
i feel my MIL is jealous of my marriage as i have understanding hubby(for which i have praised many times )and a job and PIL who are supposed to take care of home in my presence....
one time she says something the next moment she say the opposite (may be she forgets)but she becomes stubborn and make anything an issue evenif i am polite as if testing my patience...but making all around confused and suppressed...
she can follow any one else's advice but not mine as i am not supposed to .....as she herself never was able to have proper relation with her MIL
FIL keep quiet whenever she is wrong ...wanting to make peace at home...may be in past both were not able to sort their problems within themselves and handle financial things ....MIL worked from home ...
she thinks FIL is a coward and have inferiority complex but hardly respects her...
we are renting and MIL wants us to live like she wanted to..having own home....modern lifestyle..doing kitty parties etc...she wants all things of her desire as a reward for what she has done for her family..
but all these things are making her more and more annoying, unpredictable and unhealthy
i am not hating anyone but this will things more worse for me hubby and children
only my husband and his sister are MIL weak points which she feels are distant from her
sometimes she wants to do the whole chores at home or outside and sometimes she sit dumb and taunts..
i cant explain all things to u as the list is so long...but right now i ahve an official exam and on one PIL wants me to clear and on the other side their abnormal unclear behaviour pushes me back...
i feel it a test at home for our love marriage before my parents also ..
looking forward for your reply
ANSWER: Hi Seema,
Right now you need your PILs as you have small kids to be taken care of, so best way is to ignore all that happens at home. Keep a full time maid if possible, though you will end up paying a huge amount but can get rid of all chaos that your MILs' unpredictable ways bring. Later you can put them in a creche, once they grow up.
If you find your FIL a more matured human being, ensure that you pay due regard to him. He has been neglected and never been appreciated by his wife. This will ensure that at least he is reliable and won't result in unnecessary arguments at home.
Once things settle down on home front, seek a transfer since you both are at the airport. Please concentrate on your exams, opportunities are rare.
Regards,
Vani
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: it helped me to have a different view from you vani...thanx but tell me how should i take it when MIL make it an ego issue if there is a contrast between what i feel for the babies and what she feels or what she is told from her known ones(her friends or daughter in dubai) even if the babies are not responding properly or her advisers hardly see our babies...even if i say anything about that she thinks i am ignoring her status at home
so now onwards i am trying to be silent about my advises in front of her that might be contrary...i have also conceded my feelings to my husband quietly with due respect to his parents...he is satisfied that i have not created any scenes...he also wants me to ignore such relation issues..but tell me as a mother how much i can be resilent in respect to my babies and about their choices(example ...as per her daughter chicken soup is very good for babies now while i think i will not give any non-veg to them till they are 5 yrs old...also doc has consented my statement)
Answer Hi Seema,
In a joint family, can you tell your MIL to stay off your kids? You can't take your kids to your work place nor can you be with them 24 X 7. So there is little choice but to let her have her way with the kids' rearing. When ever possible let her know about the doctor's advice so that she doesn't actually cross all limits.
