AboutVani Expertise Can tackle queries pertaining to relationship with in-laws especially in cases of love marriages, where both partners belong to different cultures or backgrounds or social strata or castes or countries.
Experience 13 years of married life, cross cultural experience, in India.
Education/Credentials Masters in Business Administration
Question QUESTION: My husband and I have been together for 10 years now, and I have just found out that I'm pregnant. We are over the moon :) But for me there is a slight tinge of sadness, as I am unsure what to do about a situation:
My husband is estranged from his family, due to some very serious incidents when he was around 16/17 years old. His family were psychologically abusive to him for many years, and when he finally plucked up the courage to stand up to them, they kicked him out of his home and then set out on a 2 year tirade of abuse and harassment. He made many attempts to mend the relationship, but his parents were only concerned with manipulating and abusing him into doing exactly what they told him to do, and because he dared to disagree with them, they tried to make it impossible for him to live without them (he and I were threatened with a gun and attacked numerous times), so in the end he had to make the decision that they were not a part of his life he wanted anymore.
I always feel so much sadness that things had to be this way - I've always dreamed of a big, loving family for my children, and I keep thinking 'why can't it be like that'? I am playing with the idea of actually going to see my in-laws, and seeing if they've changed at all, and if it is at all possible to unite our families ..... BUT, a huge part of me's saying don't do it, cos my mother-in-law is such a horrible awful person, and seems to have some mental problems, and also has severe alcohol problems, but she refuses to acknowledge these, so she is nowhere near getting 'better'.
What should I do? I've never encountered such odd people or experienced such evil before, so I have no idea whether such people might repent/change, or how to act in this situation?
ANSWER: Congratulations Katherine,
But in my opinion it's a bad idea to even plan to see his parents. This is a crucial phase for you, any stress will directly impact the baby. I know how it would be if your baby were to have caring grandparents!! There are things in life we cannot change and this is just one of those things. Don't even attempt to pacify them, they are incorrigible. Be happy that you have a loving husband, be his sole family member and enjoy life. Instead make friends with like minded couples with whom you both are comfortable.
Regards,
Vani
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Hi Vani
Thank you for your reply.
Why do you think it is such a bad idea? I get what you mean, but there really is absolutely no way for them to contact us - we moved to a different country and told no-one from our past life where we were, so for the past 10 years, they have not been able to communicate with us in any way at all.
So they have not been able to contact us to make amends - this is the reason i think it's fair to give them that chance now. Before I bring a child into the world. People do change, and people 'mellow' with age, and they may well have realized their wrongdoings on the past decade .. no?
Thanks in advance,
Katherine
Answer In that case Katherine, contact them once the baby is born. You are expecting and what if the meeting or phone call turns out to be a disaster, what if they hound you after that? No point in putting your peace at risk, at this juncture. Once you have a baby, may be you 3 can just go and meet them. That way they won't know where you live nor get your phone numbers. Also you can watch their natural behaviour as they would not have planned for that meeting.
