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Inlaw Relations/Not invited on family vacation


I've been dating/engaged to my boyfriend for 3 years. We both are divorced with kids and have had issues with merging families (got engaged but ended it due to numerous issues but we are still committed to each other). His MIL from day one has not wanted him to date, saying his focus should be 100% on his teenage kids. Although my relationship with her was okay in the beginning, it has gotten worse as my boyfriend and I have fought over issues. He talks to his parents about everything so they know about our arguments. It's now at the point where I am no longer welcomed in her house and I wasn't invited for Thanksgiving or Christmas. She has sent him emails telling him I'm using him for his money, that I'm a bad influence on him, that I'm not normal, etc. My boyfriend has told her repeatedly that she can't control him and needs to watch what she says about me.

My situation now is his mother has planned a family vacation this summer to Hawaii (they do family vacations every summer). This includes my boyfriend, his sisters/husbands and all their kids. I am once again excluded from the vacation. He told his mother she can't put conditions on him and that she needs to accept that he has chosen to spend his life with me. That I should be allowed to go since I'm his family. Side note: Even if I were allowed to go, I know they would treat me with disrespect so I have no desire to go.

I don't think it's fair that we spend our summer vacation apart because his mother doesn't approve of me. I told him his teenage kids should go absolutely but that he should stay with me and we do our own vacation. Am I completely wrong in thinking this? He said it's wrong of me to put him in that situation. I told him it's his mother who is wrong for putting him there. What should I expect from him when it comes to holidays, family parties, etc. if I'm not invited?

I think it is wrong of you to force him not to spend vacation with his kids. What you seem to not be seeing is the very thing the MIL said about him focusing on his teen kids is the very thing you are trying to get him not to do. I think it's very selfish of you to put him into a position where he isn't spending time with his kids. If this is an indication of what you usually do then it's no wonder the MIL doesn't care for you it's very selfish. Why do you even stay in this relationship? It's sounds from your description that it's very rocky and something that's probably not even good for your kids or his. In my line of work I have too often seen kids ignored for the sake of the parents love life. Your description of wanting to vacation alone with him is an example of what I suggest divorced parents don't do.

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Dr. David Simonsen


I can answer you questions clearly and straight. Let me help you get your in-law relationships figured out. They can really be challenging


I meet weekly with families that have in-law challenges.


B.A. M.S. Marriage & Family Therapy; Ph.D. Psychology

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