Inlaw Relations/moving back to india
QUESTION: hi, we moved to US from India in 2012. I think thats the root of whole situation. in India ,everything was fine. my inlaws are too attached to husband, he is their only son and they have two daughters as well..both married and settled. they literally live for him, if he is around everything else is secondary to them. after a certain point, my husband was not able to give time to me and our kids, we found it too suffocating as we were not getting enough time as a family coz of the interference, we decided to move.
we have lived here for close to two years, yes we have positively come closer to each other as a couple and we treasure the family closeness that we have here. back in India, situation is very complex, my inlaws keep crying all the time..they have developed some physical ailments as well so they are pressurizing us to come back asap. my husband likes it here..he is seeing lot of career growth for himself here so he wants to spend some more time.
we called our inlaws here, they stayed with us for 6 months but their habits were same..my mother used to get so angry and upset if my husband went to sleep at 10.everyday she wanted him to be around till atleast 12 am. we couldn't even sit and watch tv together as they were always around us..the houses here are so small, we found the interference pretty irritating..and then on her own, my mother in law has decided that its time for us to come back..thye need moral support..my sister in laws are also saying the same..they keep crying all the time. its heartbreaking to see them crying and then they say we understand ur career is important and then they again start.
we are not able to live in peace at all. what should we do..if we go right now, we will suffer huge financial loss..we need atleast a year to wind up things..we have told them everything, they say they understand and then they again start crying. they need to see dr frequently for their checkups, my sister inlaws are taking care of that but they are also saying now to come back.
eventually we have to go back..but everyone wants it to be done in next few months which my husband is not ok with..so they all keep having huge arguments which also spoils the family environment. I tried to explain my husband s viewpoint to my sister in law but she also fought with me saying that Im rude and its between her and her brother. im tired..how to solve this problem..should we give in to their demands and return or should we stay adamant on what we have decided.
all these medical problems with my inlaws have started recently, earlier they were ok. my father in law had got stents planted in arteries and my mother in law is due for some eye operation infeb..but these are the problem s they are having and they both are obese making it difficult for them to do work.
ANSWER: Hello V,
Since both of you do not want to move back just yet, next phone call ask your husband to tell his parents/sisters that you will return back to India in Dec 2015. Specify that he is in the middle of a project and it's impossible to leave mid way. They should stop talking about this topic since you are willing to come back. Hopefully they'll stop cribbing. Remember all this talking has to be done by your husband.
The fact of the matter is that start searching jobs on the net, quite likely your husband may not find an offer lucrative enough in India. At the end a career matters, you would not want to return and then sulk over a bad decision.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Thanks Vani, i am feeling so much at ease as we are thinking on the right track.this is exactly what we have done ,we have shared the complete timeline of our return but nobody seems to understand. They say yes and after few days the old story begins. We thought we would hire help etc for them to make work easier for them but we are scared of their reaction.we feel it might not be taken positively. They will say the son is shunning his duty and is not taking care of old parents. Everyone is saying if you can't come then take ur parents to US but medical costs are exorbitant..we would never be able to manage.
The problem is more emotional than physical..they just need someone around them,they don't socialize much with their age group ,they only want to be around their children..we thought if they join some group,probably it will take their mind off depressing thoughts but we don't know how to tell them this..no one is helping either..its my husband vs everyone..pls tell are we thinking on a right track. And how to handle this situation keeping best interest of everyone in mind.
Sorry for the delay in replying to you. No, the idea of a maid will surely backfire and irritate them more. If they know the facts and details of your return, next time the first sentence you say on a phone call will be 'we will return on xyz date, now let's talk about something else'. This is called blocking, when they have no reason to argue about, they will give up. You can help them by finding about good doctors and then footing the medical bill, most hospitals now have online payment gateways. Stop feeling guilty about this issue, if the SIL is in some mood to listen, ask her to help them reconnect by making them join some association or club. After all being a daughter, she too has some responsibility.