About SDW Expertise I would be happy to answer any questions regarding any situation you have with your inlaws. I have been married for many years, have been church affiliated and/or a staff member for over 20 years, and have counseled many people in that capacity. I take pride in providing answers that will give honest insight and concrete direction to go forward like many of the wellknown advice counselors. I believe that being a shoulder for you to lean on is important but much more important is advice that you can put into action to make your life better!
Experience I have several years of psychology education, many years of counseling experience, and have been very helpful in my own family. It is a wonderful feeling to realize that you have helped others and made their lives better.
Education/Credentials Many years of church counseling, Several years of psychology course work, BSA in accounting, and MBA candidate.
Question A year ago my husband and I (who have been together for 8 years) gave birth to our first child. Upon that he expressed that he wanted to move back in with his parents so that our daughter might be able to have a similar childhood to his own. I protested this idea from the start because I feared having fallout with his parents. Finally, because he is so stubborn, I gave in.
Now, I really never liked his mother from the beginning. I always felt like she was a cold, controlling, victim. I have always felt as if I were walking on egg shells when I spoke to her. Sometimes so much, I caught myself stuttering. She is so easily offended. I always held in my frustration because she is my husbands mom, and he seems to really get uptight when I express even the slightest distaste for his mother.
Now in the last month his mom and really began bump heads. I finally got so tired of my own politically correct need to not offend someone, I exploded. Bad call on my part. But then she started attacking me literally like an abusive drill sergeant attacking a private in bootcamp. It was really weird to see a 63 year old woman in that light. I couldn't take it. So much I left with our daughter to stay with my parents in another state, leaving my husband.
My husband is still in his parents house. My fear is he is really only listens and hears his moms side because of his childhood loyalty. He is also convinced that it will all blow over. So much, that when I express that I need to move out he says no.
Now let me tell this audience what his mother is using to fuel her hostility toward me. She says that I do not clean house. But I do. I spend about three hours a day on chores. On top of that I am a new mom, and a student. Going to school alone is enough for anyone to treat housework as a second priority. Now I have my little girl whose development is truly more important than any clean house. How can I appease this Nazi who insists that I do not do enough? I already feel spread thin. How can I appease her and my husband, and be a good mom and lastly the graduate student I need to be? Can the relationship of me and my in-laws return to cordial? Can my husband side with me for once and not see his mother as God? Am I truly just a frustrated nut job? Are we headed for divorce? HELP!!!
Answer First, I commend you for standing up for yourself and removing yourself from an vicious situation. Your daughter does not need to see her mother told off and hear the hurt and anger in your voice.
Second, I understand how challenging being a student and mother can be and living with inlaws does not make that easier. You are justifiably busy.
Finally, I am concerned that your husband wanted and still wants to stay with his parents. It is not a good sign when a man will not leave home and an even worse omen for a marriage. A marriage is for adults, having children is supposed to be done by adults and if your husband will not join you and be a family without cutting his mother's apron strings then I don't see how it could work out.
Your husband feels it will blow over because I suspect he has always been able to persuade you to do as he wishes. In this case, he just doesn't see that his place is with you and thinks if he waits long enough you will give in.
I suggest that you not worry about your MIL anger toward you or even listen to what she says. You are doing the best you can and she is probably just being difficult. But I would like for you to sit down with your parents and talk about this if you trust their advice. If you feel a counselor would be better you can also talk to them. But please do find a quiet place to be alone for a while and seriously think about your future. What do you want for yourself and your child? Is your husband being a provider and a good husband by supporting you and your child? What do you honestly think the next five years will be like should you decide to move back into his parent's house with him? Are you able and willing to do what you feel is right and what you deserve?
After you have honestly asked these questions of yourself you should have a much better and more calm outlook. If you have any other thoughts or need anything further please write back.
