Expert: Mary - 12/9/2004

Question
Thanks for the vote of confidence. The only problem is, my husband has spoken to his mother and the silent treatment is what I received after he confronted her. Do you think he should go ahead and talk directly to his sister?

Thanks!

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Followup To
Question -
I have been with my husband for four years now. I have always been courteous and polite with my in-laws and we got along well, except for his sister who has always shown me in indirect ways that she has a problem with me. Telling me at the last minute about a family shower that is coming up, saying she wants to go to a movie with me and then not calling me and going with someone else, buying me a $10 gift for my birthday while buying a 120, which we had to contribute to for my brother in laws birthday. She also is always the person who gives us information about family gatherings and never gives us the whole story. Recently my husband's mother invited me a girls night out and my sister in law took over the reins and to make a long story short, invited everyone else going that night over to her place for dinner and "forgot" to invite me. She was very very sorry... This really hurt me because she was so blatently excluded me--when we had talked several times about this evening, but more importantly my husband finally realized that his sister does have a problem with me. He always brushed it off before. He told his mom he didn't appreciate her behaviour and his mom's excuse is well that's just the way she is its nothing personal (except she would never pull something like this with the other sister in law who has a child). my husband told his mother to please be the person to call us when there is an event because otherwise his sister gives us half the story. Several weeks later another similar situation arose and my husband asked his mother again to please be the communicator. Again, the sister-in-laws behaviour was defended and my husband was told to just accept it. (She is the oldest child and before I came along she pretty much controlled all the siblings in terms of buying birthday presents, what to do on special occasions etc. she told me one might in a drunken stupor that she was upset that her brothers were no longer her little buddies since the two sister in laws came along). Anyway, his mother and sister are now being obviously snotty to me in that they are pretending that I don't exist. I don't know how I am going to handle christmas in a couple of weeks, and this is the first time there has ever been any complaints from me or my husband and it seems pretty petty and vindictive of them to act like this. No regard to our feelings has been given and I'm 8 weeks pregnant (and they know). they have created such a bad relationship with my husband's brother that they never get to see their only grandchild and at this rate they won't be seeing this one. Except now that they are treating me badly they are suddenly sucking up to the other sister in law! This situation is really stressing me out. What should I do?
Answer -
Maybe its time your husband spoke up and don't be afraid
to tell his sisters how their immature behavior is.
There is always 1-2 in the family that enjoys creating
problems and thats when you need to speak up. I use to
have the same problem, 1 sister-in-law didn't want to
stand up to my wedding, she would start trouble with me.
Until one day, I told my husband enough is enough, I'm
not putting up with such a brat.  I got even..by speaking
up and telling her off.  That was 25 years ago, and
now we are friendly to each other and put the past behind
us.  Sometimes people push to the limit and ask for
their own taste of medicine and it teaches them a good
lesson.  Some people also like to make one mad enough
until it gets switched around.  You pretend whatever
they say to piss you off, you act like it doesn't bother
you and it works.

Answer
I do suggest having your husband talk to his sister,
at least let her know where you all stand. Just don't
lower yourself to his mother and sister's level..don't
show how it bothers you if the talk doesn't work.
It will show how you are a better person than them
in the long run.  Some people just enjoy being mean to
others and sometimes they will never change.