Expert: Rita - 12/12/2006

Question
i am having problems with my husband because my sister in laws is feeding him with lies and he would rather believe her than me. we've just been married a year now. this is how it began. my husband has been living away from home because of work. the sister is also in the same town studying. so these two used to spend lots of time togather. but since we married they don't see each other so often. she has stopped coming home and even before we married she complained that she wouldn't be able to see her brother so often and wouldn't be able to ask for money etc. now she is playing nice little sister in front of my husband but tells him lies about me. no matter how hard i try to convince him she is a liar he wouldn't listen. rather he blames me for being jaelous of his siter when in fact its me who supports them financially. next week we are going to my in laws for one months vacation. how can i convince my husband not to gang up against me because its not me who is jealous and cunning. why dooesn't he give me credit for the sacrifices i make for his family. how do i deal with him for defending his sisters lies and blaming me when i am innocent.

Answer
Hello,
  This saying comes to mind,"If you don't have anything nice to say,don't say anything at all."
  Eventually his sister will get caught in one of her lies.Meanwhile,don't say anything about her to him.If he asks about something that she has said about you,inform him to believe whatever he wants.That you do not have time for her games and trying to defend yourself to him.
 Arguing will get you nowhere.When you are at the in-laws-do not discuss any of this with them.They will only turn against you.If they ask you about something she has said,tell them they will need to discuss it with her and your husband, as you have no idea what they are referring to.
Then drop it.
 My real concern about your situation is that you and your husband are living apart.If there is any way that you can be together more,it needs to be done.You are still newlyweds and need to be connecting ,not only physically, but emotionally.
  You lack the emotional intimacy with him that she has had all of their lives..If you were living with him,the two of you would be developing a stronger bond.This would strengthen his faith and belief in you.
 At this time you are his wife in name only.That is to her advantage.She has nothing to prove.They are brother and sister,always have been and always will be.You need to be present in this marriage in order for it to work.
 Rita