AboutLe Anne Clausen Expertise I can answer questions about interfaith relations, particularly Christian-Muslim. This includes efforts in this country and internationally, especially the Middle East. I can answer about interfaith efforts for peacemaking and social justice issues, and I can offer advice on how to begin your own interfaith dialogue or cooperation efforts. I can answer some but not all questions about Christianity's and other religion's perspectives towards engaging in interfaith relations
Experience I have an MA in Christian-Muslim relations and I was a human rights worker for four years in the Middle East, including Israel/Palestine, Iraq, Syria, Lebanon, Jordan. I have also spent time in Central Asia, including Iran and Afghanistan. I am currently working to create an interfaith peace-teams based human rights organization.
Publications:
Before Abu Ghraib: Stories from a Human Rights Worker in Iraq (pending)
“Seminary Behind Bars,” Theolog, [blog of the Christian Century], June 2008
“Discovering the Hazara Shi’a of Afghanistan” The Worldly, November 2007
“A Nest For Kabul’s Street Children, and the Underside of International Aid.”
The Worldly, October 2007
“Be the Healers: Responding to Abu Ghraib.” The Lutheran, July 2004
Blog: “Journal of a Young Activist,” www.young-activist.blogspot.com (since 2000). Also www.christian-muslim.net, and www.seminaryaction.org.
Expert: Le Anne Clausen Date: 5/30/2008 Subject: Christian/Muslim Relationship - Same Old Concerns
Question I've got the same problem as practically everyone who writes to you with this issue. I've been going out with my boyfriend for a year and a half and (surprise, surprise) his parents have no idea I exist and I imagine that they must be concerned that their son is still single in his late 30s. Also, certain boundaries had been installed (by him) from the outset that I seem to have become unquestioningly accustomed to, but that now and then (when I stop to think) cause great frustration and anger. These include seeing him only on weekends - from Saturday morning to Sunday afternoon; not being truly welcome in his home (I will stay there now and then - maybe once every six months) and going away for weekends. He is controlling on a subliminal level and when I am with him I feel I must be on my best behaviour and of course this includes not partaking of any 'Western hedonism', which in strict moderation isn't actually a bad thing. Still...
It's not hard to see what's going on. He can't properly commit because of guilt/fear of disappointing his mother who is a devout Shia Muslim, so he compartmentalises our relationship into something that he can somehow rationalise. In his own mind at least.
I think my real concern is that, as time moves on, nothing is changing. Realistically, I should not have expected it to, but I think I have been led to image that it could by the way he treats me when we are together (excellently) and the way he talks about a future that involves being together. I become confused because, for my own sense of worth, I want him to let me in fully but in the cold light of day, I am not sure if I actually want to be with him. All these things, i believe, will rot away any good feeling ultimately.
I was brought up Catholic and I would hate the thought of not being able to marry within the church, and being treated with animosity by his parents, should I ever meet them.
So really, the question is, do I go on or do I face facts. None of us is getting any younger.
Answer Greetings Anonymous, and thanks for your question. It is certainly a difficult situation you describe, but I think you also have a good, if unfortunate, grasp on what needs to happen. Sadly, while he does treat you excellently on weekends, this is not a relationship that will likely end in marriage. It is time for each of you to begin seeing other people.
And, perhaps one person in the relationship giving the other (or both of you) permission to move on, to grieve what could not be while remembering the good, will ease that transition into relationships with other people for both of you that will meet what each of you really needs.
This doesn't, of course, mean that you can't continue to be amicable towards each other, to meet for lunch, etc., and to be supportive of each other as you go out and find what life has to offeer. After all, it sounds like you have a lot there towards good friendship.
But certainly, don't think of it as time wasted. You have learned an incredible amount (it shows in your letter) about relationships as well as cross-cultural issues. This has been an important experience in your life, and will prepare you for whatever happens next. I certainly don't consider my four-year relationship with my 'ex' to be wasted time; realizing it was time to let the relationship die due to differing life goals helped me to start working in earnest towards some of those goals--and life's been pretty good since. I wish as least as much for you also!
I hope this helps! Good luck to you, and please let me know if I can help with other questions.
