Interracial Relationships/Help Please
QUESTION: My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 7 months now. Both 18 years old. The very first time we met we immediately knew we were going to be together for a very long time. We started dating at the end of our High school year..When I asked her out she said yes right aways. However, after a few weeks of dating she never sent me a relationship request on facebook. So I sent her one. I asked her how come she didn't accept it after a few days later and she said she has been busy but I know she has been on it a few times a day. We live 3.5 hours away from each other but distance isn't really a problem in our relationship..I did whatever I could, and so did she so we could see each other every weekend..She accepted my relationship request which made me pretty happy so people finally knew that I was dating the girl of my dreams. However, she still doesn't write on my wall or all of the stuff girlfriends will actually do! One random night I recieved a message from her exboyfriend saying "Stay away from her and if you don't know why ask her." I immediately assumed the worst. So I gave her a call and she explained to me that she hasn't talked to him for a good 3 years..Which was when they broke up. So I asked him to send me the text messages with the number on there and he did. It wasn't my girlfriends number. When my girlfriend saw the messages she knew who was texting him. (These messages included stuff like, I love you, I can't wait to be with you, you are my everything, In the future we are going to be together) My girlfriend started explaing to me that her mom has been texting her exboyfriend for quite a while now. Her mom. Well it made sense because at the time I was with my girlfriend so there was no way she could get a hold of her moms phone and send messages like that. I was going to tell her exboyfriend that it was her mom but my girlfriend begged me not to because he would tell the whole town about what was going on. So I kind of blew it off..We graduated and summer was coming around and I surprised my girlfriend by telling her I was going to move to her city for the whole summer to spend it with her. She was beyond excited. Summer came and we were together non stop..Mid summer things started changing when her mom kept getting mad because we were spending so much time together. Her mom was really nice to me when I went over to her house but when she came over to the place that I stayed in the summer her mom would text her angry things about being with me all the time. When summer was over I had to go home for 2 weeks before college started. Within those two weeks my girlfriend told me her mom was saying bad things about me. How we shouldn't be together because we are different races. (I'm hispanic and she's caucasion). My girlfriend LOVES my family and if it was up to her she would spend all day with them. Yes it's really different but my girlfriend absolutely loves it. So we head off to college and everytime my girlfriend came to visit I would read things off her messages from her mom like. "Why are you visiting that mexican" "You'd have more fun at your college rather than hanging out with a bunch of mexicans", "You're going to regret everything if you end up with this guy". I have done nothing bad to her daughter or mom but show them complete respect. Just recently I received another message from her exboyfriend saying "Once again stay the F away from her and give me your number so I can show you what she's been telling me" So I sent him my number and he sent me the conversations between her mom and him..Which included stuff like "My mom doesn't like him at all" "I just want to be with you" "I hope you will wait for me"..And her mom always tells my girlfriend I'm no good for her. My girlfriend is never going to leave me nor am I going to leave her. Her mom also prevents her from uploading pictures, statuses, ect. on social networking sites so her exboyfriend won't see them. And when my girlfriend did add stuff about us her mom would go on there and delete them. She changed her password so now her mom has no access to anthing. But she still doesn't do any of that stuff normal teenage couple would you know? This last time her exboyfriend messaged me I told my girlfriend to tell her mom that I'm going to tell him the truth. Her mom got extremely mad and told my girlfriend if I did she would basically disown her. My girlfriend got pretty upset when I did tell him the truth but she knew he had the right to know who has been texting him for 3 years. Was that the wrong thing to do is to tell him? I don't know where I went wrong in all of this. My girlfriend doesn't deserve to be stuck in this position. And I can't really change how I grew up or what race I am..What do I do??
ANSWER: As someone who has dated "interracially" my entire life and started InterraceToday.com with my wife to provide a website for interracial and multicultural discussions and news, I think it's important to point out things that may not necessarily immediately clear.
In this particular case, your matter is not as complex as it may seem, just long. This is not about interracial relationships or dealing with multiculturalism so much as it is about different perspectives and levels of maturity required to develop and maintain a healthy and mutually-loving relationship.
It's on both sides. Expecting someone to demonstrate their love for you by writing on your Facebook wall is not necessarily a clear example of love. I love my wife but I don't waste my time on Facebook much and neither does she. And we have disagreements from time to time on minor things but respect and love each other sufficiently to see through temporary, unimportant issues.
In order for your relationship to work you have to first take it out of the controlling environment it is in and has been in. There are too many "he said and she said" going on and too many people dominating what should be between just two people. The two of you need to talk openly about what you really want out of an adult relationship, how you think that should work, what levels of trust you need to have, what are your shared values and interests?
And these talks are more important than who sees what on social networking sites or who approves or does not approve or whoever is dating whomever. This is not an episode of "Maury" but real life. You need to sit down and have a few real in-depth discussions as I've highlighted above and begin to learn who the two of you really are to each other (if anything at all) other than two people who think the other one is cute. This is about developing mature relationships, and my advice is to sit down and the two of you ask each other very honestly and without games: What do I mean to you? What do you expect from this relationship? What types of trust should we have for each other? Should we be exclusive to each other and not date others? Do we want children one day? How do we believe in saving money or building a future together?
The sooner you have these conversations and break away from the drama of listening to everyone else's opinions on how to live your life the greater your potential for finding an adult relationship either with this person or in the future.
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QUESTION: We do sit down and discuss about our future together every single day. The reason the whole facebook deal bothers me is because her mom is basically controlling what she does. As for her ex boyfriend, what do you think I should do about that situation? Should my girlfriend do something about it? Or should I just blow it off and allow her mom to continue what she is doing??
I believe I've already answered this question.
You have a girlfriend who bows to the will of her parents, especially her mother.
If you want to stay together, that is certainly your right to do as well, as there will clearly be more issues in the future. In the short-term, let her mother continue to tell the daughter how to live (you couldn't stop this if you wanted to, anyway), and I'd ignore the Facebook situation as it just takes up more of your time and energy.