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Interracial Relationships/Girlfriend is white girl and I am black guy Race and Dating Issues


QUESTION: Hi David am in a great relationship and we are deeply inlove but my girlfriend is 18 and i am 22 yr old virgin. She claims she has only gone to third base with her ex before and they had dated for about 2yrs.
They broke up a year ago but still saw each other once in a while  and enjoyed friends with benefits until they finally broke up for good when her ex left for college.
The problem is she claims she is a virgin but i feel she is not telling me everything about her sexual experience.

Also her parents who are her aunt and uncle have forbidden not to see me again or they will kick her out of the house.We are still dating and her parents don't know about it.
The reason why they don't like me is because I am black. I never thought I would be a victim or racial discrimination ever in my life time but now I know how people feel.
What do I do in these cases? Am confused.

ANSWER: Manny,

There are 2 matters at work here that are somewhat different, but connected.

The first issue is your girlfriend claiming to be a virgin, but you're wondering whether or not she's telling you the complete truth.

The secondary issue is her parents, aunt, and uncle forbidding you (or her?) from being together.

Let's talk about each issue here:

1. Mistrusting your girlfriend is fairly straight-forward and clear. You have to be clear and direct about why you feel the way you do. Why do you mistrust her claim to be a virgin? What does that mean to you and how does that make you feel about the relationship in total? You need to be very clear with yourself in first deciding why you feel the way you do and then expressing those concerns to your girlfriend. Whether there is racism at play in the relationship or not (and we see that it is), honesty and integrity are key issues at this point. If you don't have integrity and honesty, there's no relationship to work with. So, my suggestion is to be clear on why you feel as you do. Write these thoughts down...the reasons why and your how those suspicions make you feel about her. Tell her those thoughts and talk about how you feel and ask her for help in resolving those feelings.

2. Racism is real and is not going away for a long time. The voting rights act and many other rights that people fought and died for during the Civil Rights Movement may be taken away sooner than later if people don't wake up. But to get back to your other issue here, it seems that the parents/aunt/uncle are secondary to the main issues of trust and clarity. If they don't know that you're continuing to date, let them continue in their ignorance.

Work on trust and integrity in the relationship first, and if the relationship continues beyond that point at least one (if not more) of the older parental figures will come around and recognize that you're doing everything possible to maintain a solid relationship with the young lady and they will see you as a man and not as a color.

Good luck and keep focused on your larger objectives here and don't let the naysayers drag you down. Do what you know in your heart and mind is correct.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks for the answer to my questions I would like to ask She believes in cohabitation and I don't because of the correlation it has to breakups later in the relationship.
I believe in marriage first before living together, my Christian beliefs are very strong when it comes to relationships, marriage and virginity(chastity)
I want to spend my life with her. what should I do to make her understand that?


I, like you, used to believe in marriage first, but I came to realize that the only way to really get to know what it is like to live with someone is to actually live with them. Marriage, as I am sure you will agree, is a very serious and deep commitment. Do you really want to make that commitment without knowing first what you will be doing or how you will be doing that? Many people are great to date but change when you live with them, or certain habits or behaviors come forward when you live with them 24 hours a day (such as not saving money properly, which is huge). I've been in similar situations where you don't necessarily know what someone's spending habits are or whether or not they are even faithful to you until you're around them 24/7. So I would ask you to reconsider the cohabitation issue.

I believe that cohabitation before marriage is a reasonable idea, given the very high  failure rate of most marriages ending in divorce and the logic in understanding the depth of the relationship before agreeing to something as serious as marriage.

So, while I do favor cohabitation before marriage, if you still feel as before, I would suggest weighing the pros and cons of each decision, without the emotional bonds attached, and then asking your girlfriend why she feels as she does and ask her for her considered opinion on the matter as well. It takes two to make a relationship, and it takes a strong bond between those two to make a successful marriage.

Good luck with everything!

Interracial Relationships

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I can answer questions on the topic of interracial relationships, diversity, and multiculturalism.


I'm a white, Jewish man in his mid-forties who has been happily married to a black woman now for 15 years. I dated interracially for my entire life, so feel comfortable and informed on the topic, having lived it my entire life.

Former member of the Society of Professional Journalists, Investigative Reporters and Editors, and the American Federation of Teachers.


BA, English Old Dominion University

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