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Interracial Relationships/Should I contact my Ex girlfriend after a year of 'No Contact'?..?.


This question may be long to read, so please bear with me as I explain the details of what I’m asking for.

3 Year ago when I started university at age 21, I had never had a girlfriend before and was really inexperience with girls as I didn’t have much contact and was very awkward and shy. However, this all changed at university as my confidence grew and so did my interaction with girls. I would go to parties and socialise with new people and was enjoying my life and during the second year at university, I met this girl (Lady X) and immediately was attracted to her. She is from Malaysia, whereas I’m based in the UK. Within the next few months, we became good friends and eventually dated. I was really into her and she definitely felt the same for me too. I was charming, confident and knew how to make her laugh.

2 months after becoming good friends, we eventually started to date and developed a relationship – I was the happiest I had ever been. We would do everything – eat together, see movies at the cinema, stay up late at night at halls and talk about our past experiences growing up. The more time went on, the more I became besotted by her. However during the third month into the relationship, part of me started to change, I don’t know what it was – but I felt myself slowly but surely becoming paranoid and demanding. I wanted to try new things with her – e.g. socialise more with her friends & have sexual intercourse. Lady X hardly wanted to socialise with me with other people, which within time would annoy me deep down because I loved to socialise and I loved to show off to people that we ‘were together’. However she never saw it like I did, and wanted to keep friends and relationships separate – which I didn’t understand at the time. The second frustrating point is I really wanted to have sex with her, and she didn’t want too – THIS IS WHERE I FEEL REALLY ASHAMED.  Because my insecurities and demands were becoming overwhelming, I would try and entice her to do sexual stuff with me – against her will. But she eventually started to let her guard down but it still doesn’t excuse my bad behaviour back then.

Furthermore, I would moan a lot to her about what ‘she was doing wrong’ and how I wasn’t happy with her views and behaviour during our relationship. My insecurities, paranoia and demands would slowly drive her away and lose that attraction that she felt towards me earlier. Maybe you could say that I mentally abused her.  It was around this time, that I learnt that she was a princess, of royalty blood (No Joke), which just made me EVEN MORE crazy inside. Unfortunately, I became jealous of her – she went to fashion shows, met other royalty, lived in a palace and lived a sheltered life. She was unable to cope with my mood swings and negativity, and I did try impose myself too much on her.  2-3 times, we would break up, then get back to together so it was one emotional rollercoaster. There was good times between us, then really bad times and it would carry on like this until the 8th month, where we would break up over Skype. She told me her reasons – she was scared of me, couldn’t change for me, and wanted to concentrate on her studies for the 3rd year without any distractions. I understood her reasons, but was UTTERLY devastated as this was my first official break up. I remember feeling like nothing else mattered and was so depressed – I couldn’t eat, lost confidence, lost weight, and felt like if I was on a plane, I wouldn’t care if I crashed And died then and there!  

During the third year at university, I was still depressed but slowly started to find myself and concentrate on my studies. I started going to gym and taking care of myself mentally and physically. The pain would subside but my feelings suddenly turned into bitterness. Whenever I passed my ex-girlfriend in the campus, she would smile and remain friendly, but I just looked away because I was still heartbroken and sad inside, whenever I saw her. The fact that she appeared happy again made me angry, she seemed relieved that it was over. I asked her if she wanted to get back together and she said no – I would try and apologise but she became so annoyed that one day – I discovered she was texting her friend, asking him to hook me up with another girl. The moment I saw this text – I SNAPPED OUT OF IT! I learnt then, that I was in a bubble, making myself looking needy and desperate, just degrading myself to the max! Suddenly, I made a promise never to contact her again, as I wanted to salvage some dignity! My last text to her – I demanded that she return my clothes that she took from me earlier (even though she wore them) and made it clear I wouldn’t contact her again! I was sad / bitter as I sent this message but it was the best thing I could do, as I needed a fresh change. Since then, I passed by her twice during that whole year and she would look away and appear bitter whenever she saw me.

At the end of the third year, I learnt I had to resist one test so I couldn’t graduate until last week. I learnt my ex failed too and would have her graduation on the same day as mine. Now considering I had ended things badly, there was and is bitter blood between us. Before the graduation last week, I hadn’t seen or contacted her in nearly a year. During this time, I had met and dated new girls, went on holidays, saw family abroad and was living my life. But I would always think about my past relationship – what did I learn? What did I do wrong? Why did she want to break up? Over time, I understood through 1-1 therapy sessions that I was mainly in the wrong, for doing the things I did, trying to change her and made her nervous, not accepting her background or her as a person. I had to take responsibility for my actions and this helped me to mature as a person.

Well, graduation took place last week and for the first time in a year, I saw my ex with her family, and she me with mine. There was clear tension and nervousness between us, but I managed to stay cool and calm. We would sneak glances at one another, but nothing else. Part of me was feeling guilty, and another part wanted to go and speak to her. In the end, I didn’t speak to her as she was with her friends, family and I didn’t want to ruin her graduation. Since then, I haven’t stopped thinking about her – about my actions, possibly speaking to her to show my new maturity, and just a friendly catch-up. As I write this, I am wondering if I should message / email her, to see how she’s doing, congratulate her on her graduation, and possibly admit that I was in the wrong for my past behaviour.

I think I’m looking for closure, and to see how she’s been getting on. After all, it’s been a whole year since we last spoke. I don’t have feelings for her, as I’m aware she’s not the right girl for me, but it would be nice possibly be on civil terms. Please give me your honest feedback & opinions on what I should do. Once again, I appreciate you reading this long question…

First of all, this question has more to do with relationships and communication than it does with anything pertaining to interracial relationships. She may have been from Malaysia and you from the UK, but based on what you told me, communication was more of an issue than interracial matters.

The relationship itself became rocky after about 3 months, and if you have not communicated with her in almost one year, I'd say it's time to move on with life, learn from mistakes made in the relationship and move on. You saw her for the first time in a year and there was still tension. You say that you're aware she's not the right one for you. If that's the case, then let her be free to move on with her life as well. Calling her, texting her, behaving as if you want to restart the relationship will send the message that you want to start dating her again and she may very well be seeing someone else at this time. I'd recommend learning everything possible from the relationship, look at ways the decline could have been prevented, and move on and allowing her to do the same as well. Ultimately, you can't move onward with one foot still in the past.

Good luck!

Interracial Relationships

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I can answer questions on the topic of interracial relationships, diversity, and multiculturalism.


I'm a white, Jewish man in his mid-forties who has been happily married to a black woman now for 15 years. I dated interracially for my entire life, so feel comfortable and informed on the topic, having lived it my entire life.

Former member of the Society of Professional Journalists, Investigative Reporters and Editors, and the American Federation of Teachers.


BA, English Old Dominion University

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Founder of, the internet's only online magazine for multicultural families and interracial couples.

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