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Interracial Relationships/Is it all in the mind, a fetish or a real sexual preference and how should I handle it?


Hello, I'm a 21 year old white Afrikaans South African male. While me and my mates would talk about girls, I've noticed they have strong sexual attraction. Here white guys look only at white girls. I have had many crushes on girls, but I have never really felt very sexually attracted to my crushes. I recently went to a place with a large biracial population and I can't tell you how many times I checked those biracial girls out only to notice they aren't white. It kept happening, strong sexual attraction to these girls. I then started looking at black girls with other eyes too! Suddenly I noticed them. I am not a racist, I have no problem with interracial dating, but here it is a problem. Many white Afrikaans people are rejected by their families, disowned for dating outside their race. My friends openly joke about the 'disgusting freaks' who date black or biracial girls. When I hinted that I was attracted to a biracial gir, they were disgusted and shocked and rejecting, I had to pretend I was joking. I love my friends and family. Having my own family someday is my life goal. It would shatter me to disappoint my friends and family who have done so much for me, helped me in all walks of life, by doing something that will lead to my expulsion from my community. So what should I do? I do find white girls attractive, just not as sexually? Or maybe I have a fetish? Tolerance to interracial dating here is VERY VERY low. Thanks!

I get that you're not racist and feeling attracted to women or young ladies who are bi-racial or black, yet you live in an area where racism is commonplace. Unfortunately, racism is commonplace everywhere.

So the question is not whether or not it's okay or normal to be attracted to women with different color skin. I mean, when I was a kid everyone wanted a dark tan; but there are acceptable levels of dark tan, aren't there? Of course.

So it comes down to how much of an independent person you are and how much you are willing to be "uncool" in order to embrace what you are feeling. Some people can handle not being accepted, not having friends, and others can't. I was always an independent kid growing up, and always had one or two good friends at the most (who were both fairly tough guys on their own accord). I liked whom I liked and that was it. If someone disapproved, they had the option of being quiet, leaving, or not being around me and my girlfriend (or, later, wife). I would never tolerate anyone saying racist comments, when I was openly dating whomever I pleased and let that be known.

So, in your situation, you have a choice to make: Date whom you are "told" by society is acceptable and fine with them or date as your heart directs you (regardless of reason) and deal with the consequences of being ostracized. Alot of people can't handle that, and as you indicated, it could "shatter" you to disappoint others who don't approve of interracial dating. What matters more to you? Independence or acceptance? In my own case, I was always a loner, so I dated whom I felt attraction and acceptance from - and that was my "new" family. Your situation sounds like you have more to lose, but you also have to grow as a man.

I can't make that call for you, of course. You have to decide whether social acceptance is more important to you and fitting in than being able to date whomever you wish.

There's a good book by Mark and Gail Mathabane(I think) called "Love in Black and White" that might be interesting to you, as I think they came from similar cultural mores.

Good luck and let me know if you read the book.  

Interracial Relationships

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I can answer questions on the topic of interracial relationships, diversity, and multiculturalism.


I'm a white, Jewish man in his mid-forties who has been happily married to a black woman now for 15 years. I dated interracially for my entire life, so feel comfortable and informed on the topic, having lived it my entire life.

Former member of the Society of Professional Journalists, Investigative Reporters and Editors, and the American Federation of Teachers.


BA, English Old Dominion University

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Founder of, the internet's only online magazine for multicultural families and interracial couples.

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