Expert: Melissa Burton (a.k.a Bee) - 3/20/2007

Question
I am a white female and im with a black male. We have been together for a year on April 10th. My mom has learned thats its not about the color of their skin but the way they treat me. But on the other hand my grandmother and my father both are completely against interracial relationships. My grandmother said she would disown me if I married or had a baby with someone outside of my race and my dad told me that he would never see his grandkids (my kids) if they werent all white. How do I approach a conversation and try to explain that its not about the color of their skin but how they treat me?

Answer
Hello
Well the first thing you should know is that you cannot change their opinions that easily. It's very difficult to try and prove someone they are wrong. It's like someone trying to convince you to be racist or that your favorite color isn't blue. It's not easy and because they've grown up believing this, it's even harder for them. So if you want to approach a conversation about it, you could give an example of a white friend who is dating a black male, or something similar to that. Your dad or grandparents may respond with the whole disowning thing, and then start talking about how it's important how a guy treats you not how they look. Ask them why they are racist. Ask them questions like what if the guy was very wealthy, nice, treated you with respect, and loved you, would they still disown you. The point of these questions is to figure out why they don't like black people and wouldn't want you to be with one. Do they feel that black people are inferior or what? And then you can debate with them about that, and then make a point about would they rather see you with a white guy who physically and verbally abuses you and possibly even your children, or a black guy who loves you, cares about you, would never touch you, and would do anything to take care of you. But remember that talking about it probably wont do much good, and it takes a lot for people to change their views. Also keep in mind that they say that now but I doubt that once a child is born, they will ignore it. Also the longer he is with you, and the more he proves that he's good for you, the more likely they will make him an exception of the rule and like him. And like I mentioned, when a child is brought into the picture, families still might not disown you or him, sometimes a child is what makes the family see that this is not something to be getting upset about. So there is hope, but don't put too much hope in this future conversation.
Melissa