Expert: D.J. - 2/1/2007

Question
My ex-boyfriend and I had been dating for almost 3 months.I am 19 and he is 21. We still love each other very much. The reason why we broke up is because his parents are from a very small town and they are extremely racist and told him that if  continues to see me that they will kick him out. The first few times they said this, we just he wold just sneak around to see me. Until one day he came to see me for a whole day and they found out about itand threw all of his stuff and everything he bought them outside. They were very mad and obviously disapprove. He is afraid he will lose his family if he stays with me and that they will disown him. So now he says he cant take it anymore because it seems like it i too hard for us to stay together because he feels like he has to choose. Is there anything that he can tell his parents or that we can do to help them realize they are being ridiculous?

Thank You,
Ashley

Answer
Hi Ashley!
Sorry it took a bit of time to get back to you-computer issues!



I'm sorry you and your ex are having these problems.

Well my first question to you would be whether or not you've met his parents before.

This is important because:.

* Sometimes people are 'racist' on a general level, but would be willing to tolerate the other if they have a real face to match  with the 'color'.In other words..you could qualify as an 'exception to the rule' as to who they like personally. This would of course mean you would have to have impeccable manners, be dressed appropriately, but most all-try to have an open mind. Do not openly scorn any of their practices or habits. But don't be devoid of personality either. If you met them, they might not love you, but if they could tolerate you then  sometimes that's all you can ask for.

Sometimes things just have to be this way for a while. He obviously cares very much for his family, and a relationship of 3 months sometimes,  just isn't enough to throw away a family bond.
If you really care about him,  still be his friend. Show him love and affection. Show him you care about his family too, even though they might not like you. What is important to him, because you care about him, should be of some concern to you as well.

This will demonstrate to him that you are 'in it for the long haul', and you're not going to leave when the 'going gets tough.'

Cliche I know I know, but it's the truth.

The bad news is that possibly; you two might not need to be together in this point in your lives. Perhaps when he's more financially stable or independent he can move out of the house with his family and into an apartment, and then you two can have more flexibility with seeing each other.
Whatever you do, don't make him feel pressured to choose.

Make sure you are thinking about yourself too in this situation. Are really willing to wait around until his family comes around? You have a life to live too. If you do decide to pursue this relationship remember to be true to yourself, and if it's meant to be, then perhaps it just might be : )

Good luck- I hope everything turns out well!