Expert: Melissa Burton (a.k.a Bee) - 5/24/2006

Question
I am asian and have been dating an Indian guy for over a year now. When we first began dating he told me the story of his older brother choosing his family over his black gf. Of course the brother was torn, but got over it and is now engaged to an indian girl. The brother proudly showed her off after a few months of dating and engaged her within a year. The brother was madly in love with the black girl and that the indian girl he is engaged to now does not completly compare. Oh well, the damage has been done.       After the story my indian guy told me not to worry and that he will challenge his family should things get seriouse between the two of us. In their family dating another skin color was okay, but marriage is another issue.    So after a year of dating, he introduced me off to his mom. Nothing negative came out of her mouth or her actions. So perhaps she will give this son a break. Who knows.     But the problem is that my indian guy told me straight out that he cannot marry me purely because his family will not accept it. This was before I meet his mom. I was so shocked that I refuse to accept it for months. Because I have been so affected by it, our realtionship suffered, not about this topic but others which should not have esclated so much.     I am so devasted that he would even consider such things. He told me that he cannot leave his family, or rather in my opion his mom whom he dearly love. This was not the understanding I had when coming into this relationship. I feel as though he is scared to cause a riot in the house and to best avoid it was to tell me such things. If his mom is okay, then the relationship is okay.     It destroys me that it is him, not his parents who gave me the ultimaturm. Although it was before I meet his mom, the very thought that he would think of such racial things against someone he cares about absolutely affected me. What happened to the guy I meet a long time ago?

Answer
Hello
I'm sorry to hear about what your boyfriend said to you. It was very wrong of him to say he cannot marry you before seeing how his family felt. It was also very wrong of him to even start a relationship with you and not let you know that nothing serious like marraige would ever happen between you guys. The best thing to do is talk to him about this. Tell him why it upset you and how the relationship is suffering because of that and the other factors. Just let him know this and tell him how you feel about him. If things do not change and he is still refusing to marry you or even considering it cause of racial reasons then you should consider ending it. Ethnicity should play a very minor role, if it even has a role, in a relationship. If he does not realize this then you guys should not be together. But let him know how you are feeling. Good luck with all of this and God bless!
Melissa