i have been married for 3 years. only during the first year of marriage did me and my husband have intimate relationship, that too rarely. its been almost 2 years since my husband has not touched me inspite of my countless requests and initiatives. He always tells me that he has to get up early for prayers or he is too tired. Now I want to have a child and again am urging him for intimacy. I have not yet recieved my Mehr from marriage.
1. I want to know if my marriage(nikah) is still valid. If not what to do
Assalamu'alaikum wr wb. Thank you for the question.
1. Regarding Mehr
Mahar in Islamic Law refers to the gift that must be given by the husband to the wife at the time of wedding. There are verses that supports the giving of the dowry as obligatory, such as in Surah al-Nisa’, verse 4:
“And give the women [upon marriage] their [bridal] gifts graciously. But if they give up
willingly to you anything of it, then take it in satisfaction and ease.”
In Surah al-Nisa’, verse 24:
“So for whatever you enjoy [of marriage] from them, give them their due compensation as an obligation.”
The giving of a dowry is a symbol of the husband’s seriousness in marriage. In addition, it reflects the love and willingness of the husband to live with the wife, and to sacrifice for the welfare of his family. It is also a sign of respect from the husband to the wife.
However, the dowry is not included among the essential ‘pillars’ of marriage or prerequisites for the validity of a marriage. If the couple agrees to marry without determining the amount of the dowry, the marriage is still valid but the husband is required to pay a commensurate dowry (mahar misil) which entitles the wife to a dowry that befits her social status. This is based on a story that happened in the days of the Rasulullah (peace and blessings be upon him) in which a woman was married with no mention of a dowry. Not long after, the husband died before the marriage was consummated so the Rasulullah (peace and blessings be upon him) gave out an edict for the woman to receive a commensurate dowry (mahar misil).
2. Regarding intimate relationship
Sexual problems are multidimensional and complex. Various factors can interfere with a couple’s sexual function and satisfaction. You may not suspect a “physical” problem, it is always good practice to consult a physician to rule out physiological problems. Your husband may have an undiagnosed medical condition (for example depression) that is impacting his libido. If he is taking any medication, be aware that some medication can have sexual side effects. Perhaps your husband is struggling with unresolved psychological issues. He could be anxious about settling down and beginning a family. Some men may have experienced trauma or abuse as a child. Others continue to struggle with sexual orientation issues even after marriage. Some men may feel pressure to perform sexually in certain ways. Porn is also a major problem that can impact a person’s desire for his partner. Additionally, examine your relationship. Has anything changed? Do you communicate well? Has he distanced himself?
Almost every couple at some point in their marriage will report a sexual concern or problem. Unfortunately, many couples who do not seek professional help for their sexual problems will likely divorce. It is important for you to seek couples counseling. This is not just your husband’s problem- it is your issue as a couple.
Use your friendship and love for each other to work together to resolve the sexual difficulty. It is clear that you care deeply about your husband and want to continue with him. It can be difficult to share with someone about your sexual problems, but trained professionals can offer you guidance while respecting your religious values. Remember: God tests His servants in different ways. However, He also asks us to be proactive. The longer you wait to address this issue, the more it will strain your relationship. Reach out. Consult a counselor to help you and your husband work together as a team to strengthen your marriage and enhance your intimacy.
I hope it will help. Thank You.