Islam/Reconciliation in laws interference
I hav been married for over 3 years. I know my husband by love marriage and I agreed to stay with his family. Issues and problems started to surface and lots of untrue words was said. It hurt me alot because my husband never helped me rather allowed them to hurt me n he says I don't respect him and listen to them. I have bought some things with my own money he says I didnt need to but he does not provide for me financially and he always says I demand when that is not the case. I had told him my feelings and asked him to drop me off by my parents he did so and said he will talk to his family. We wanted to reconcile but his family turned him against us especially his brothers. So if we do reconcile he has to move out and he does not want to do that or he is forced to divorce me. What is the islamic ruling in this case? What ways can I convince my husband that they cant force him to divorce me and how do I approach them and explain that we can make it work for all of us. Please help urgently as its now 8 months that we are seperated we have no children.
Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu..dear sis.. i too appreciate ur love for ur husband...but as u said u know ur husband by love marriage.. i thnk first step u should do is repent to Allah subhana va ta ala..cos love before marriage is not a good starting.. cos we need his blessings for a healthy relationship..And shayatn plays a lot in spoiling this relation..remember anytime u get angry with him..seek refuge frm shatan..try to be quiet..more sabr u have..the more He will respect u more..
...'first repent'Cos the original 'love' that happened b4 marriage ws from the shaitaan. If a person likes a girl, he shd approach the girl 's parents. But mistakes happen, so wen one realises that then they shd repent. In a love relationship , the guy usually is all over the girl , the girl misinterprets it as love . Wen they marry, 'the love' ( which was not allowed by Allah ) dies. The guy is no more all over like he was. So one needs to understand that love shd be for the sake if Allah, hence shd b halal . Once they realise and repent , that wud be the first step towards closeness to Allah. Then there is a need to hurry to do good deeds, leave haram that they liked, move towards obedience. Staying apart is good in terms of having time to think over and getting the time alone to get closer to Allah.When we marry, we Marry the whole package ie their family and good and bad about the person . Even though they may have known each other for years, they will really see the other side , and things that does not appeal only wen they start living with each other. That time is basically , knowing each others good and bad , and understanding the package ( family) that comes with the spouse . You must try to contact the husband...say mobile phone, fb, email etc . You could text him simple messages . while the parents talk. Use picture messages and smileys, faces etc to add some humour. Husband and wife can communicate if they r separated without the thalaq ( remember there r 3 thalaqs)
"Its clear from your message that you love your husband and don't want to think about leaving him at any cost. I guess it's the same feeling for your husband as well (men don't express much).So it would now be better to think about ways to sort out things. Just discuss it with your family as its not between both of you anymore. If you can talk or chat with your husband and convince him thats the best option or else in presence of both the family openly discuss the problem (make sure you or your family don't get emotionl or use harsh words). It's your right to stay separate if you want to as a couple, tell your husband you wanted to stay with your family before mrg but in real life it doesnt seem so easy, staying apart will bring you closer with his family also."
Quoting a fatwa for you :
Praise be to Allaah.
The relationship between the spouses should be one of love and kindness, especially if they are related to one another, so the rights of kinship are joined with the rights of marriage. Both parties should strive to establish such a relationship.
Whatever happens of bad treatment between spouses may be due to the husband or the wife, or both of them. Based on that, you should look for the causes of her lack of respect towards you, or her not obeying your commands, and you should strive to sort it out.
Some woman who are newly married do not understand how important it is to obey the husband, and they do not understand the concept of qiwaamah (being in charge of the family) that is the husband’s role alone. Hence they need some time to understand that, and they may need someone to explain it to them and teach them. Perhaps you could seek the help of some useful tapes and books that speak about the relationship between the spouses and the foundations of its success.
At the same time, some men go too far in wanting their wives to hear and obey in absolutely everything, and if the wife discusses any issue with him or makes a suggestion or is a little late in doing what he told her to do, he accuses her of nushooz (wilful defiance), disobedience and going against the command of Allaah, and not respecting him.
The husband should never treat his wife as he would treat his servant, and the wife has the right to be respected and consulted, to give her own opinion and to discuss matters so that they will reach the decision that is best.
The wife has the right to live in separate accommodation with her husband and children, and not to share it with anyone, whether it is a father, a mother or a relative.
This is the view of most of the Hanafi, Shaafa’i and Hanbali fuqaha’. She also has the right to refuse to live with his father, mother and siblings.
Al-Kaasaani said in Badaa’i al-Sanaa’i (4/24): If the husband wants to make her live with her co-wife or in-laws, such as the husband’s mother or sister or daughter from another wife or his relatives, and she refuses to do so, then he has to accommodate her in a separate house, because they may annoy her or harm her if they live together, and her refusal is an indication that she is being bothered or harmed. And because he needs to be able to have intercourse with her or be intimate with her at any time, and that cannot be done if there is a third person living with them. End quote.
Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah favoured the view that if the husband is poor or unable to provide separate accommodation for his wife, she does not have the right to ask for something he is unable to give. This was narrated from him in Mataalib Ooli al-Nuha (5/122). Rather she should bear it with patience until Allaah gives him the means.
To sum up, separate accommodation is the wife’s right, even if she did not stipulate it in the marriage contract, and she has the right to ask for it now, and she is not regarded as being wilfully defiant because of that. The commonly held view among some people, that this is creating division among siblings, is not true, because this is a shar’i right of the wife, and it serves the interests of both spouses, because it prevents free mixing and guards them against looking at things that are not permissible. It is unfortunate that in many shared family homes, a man may look at his brother’s wife, and they may shake hands or be alone together, which may lead to jealousy, envy, disputes and separation. There may also be arguments because of the children. Undoubtedly a man is a stranger (non-mahram) to his brother’s wife, so it is not permissible for him to shake hands with her or be alone with her or look at her, unless he is a mahram to her through some other means, such as breastfeeding.
The one who looks at shared family homes will be certain of the wisdom of what the scholars have said, that a wife should have her own home, because in many of these homes there are problems and differences between the spouses and between a man and his brother, and between the wife and her husband’s mother, and so on, as well as the many evils and things that go against Islam.
Finally, what we advise you to do is to strive to bring about a reconciliation between your wife and your mother and family, and give each one his or her dues. Give your wife her right to separate accommodation, and it will not matter if any of them get angry about you having your own home, because you are not doing anything wrong. But you have to continue to uphold ties of kinship with your relatives, mother and brothers.
If you cannot afford to provide a separate home for your wife at present, then you can make her a promise and advise her to be patient until Allaah makes you independent of means by His bounty.
I ask Allaah, may He be exalted, to reconcile between you and unite you, and to increase the love and affection between you.
And Allaah knows best.
Another useful fatwa here:
She does not want to live with her husband’s family
Praise be to Allaah.
The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) warned against the husband’s relatives who are not mahrams to the wife entering upon her. It was reported from ‘Uqbah ibn ‘Aamir that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Beware of entering upon women.” A man from among the Ansaar said: “O Messenger of Allaah, what about the brother-in-law?” he said: “The brother-in-law is death.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 4934; Muslim, 2172).
It is not permissible for her to be alone with any of her in-laws except those who are so young that there is no fear that they will tempt her or be tempted by her.
The husband must provide his wife with a dwelling place that will conceal her from the eyes of people and protect her from heat and cold, where she can live and settle and be independent. Whatever meets her needs is sufficient, such as a room in good condition with a kitchen and bathroom – unless the wife has stipulated larger accommodation in her marriage contract. He does not have the right to make her eat with any of her in-laws. The kind of accommodation provided must be commensurate with what the husband is able to provide and be suitable according to local custom (‘urf) and the social level of the wife.
(a) Ibn Hazam (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
He has to provide her with accommodation according to his means, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“Lodge them (the divorced women) where you dwell, according to your means” [al-Talaaq 65:6]
(b) Ibn Qudaamah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
She (the wife) is entitled to accommodation because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“Lodge them …” [al-Talaaq 65:6]
If it is obligatory to provide lodgings for a divorced wife, then it is even more appropriate that lodgings should be provided for one who is still married. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“… and live with them honourably…” [al-Nisaa’ 4:19]. Part of that means providing them with accommodation, because she cannot do without proper accommodation to conceal her from people’s eyes and so that she may go about her business, relax and her keep her belongings in order.
(c) Al-Kaasaani (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
If a husband wants to make her live with a co-wife or her in-laws, such as his mother or sister or daughter from another marriage or another relative, and she refuses to accept that, then he has to provide her with accommodation of her own… But if he lodges her in a room of the house that has a door of its own, this is sufficient for her and she should not ask him for alternative accommodation, because the harm caused by fear for her belongings and not being able to relax is no longer there. (Badaa’i’ al-Sanaa’i’, 4/23)
(d) Ibn Qudaamah also said:
A man does not have the right to make two wives live in the same dwelling without their consent, regardless of whether the house is large or small, because this will cause them harm due to the enmity and jealousy between them. Making them live together will cause conflict and each of them will be able to hear when the husband spends time with (has marital relations with) the other or she will see that. If they both agree (to live together in one house), this is permissible because they have the right to do to ask for independent accommodation, or they may choose to forgo this right. (al-Mughni, 8/137)
He did not mean that it is OK for the husband to have marital relations with one where the other can see and hear that; what he meant was that it is permissible for them to live in one house, where (the husband) can come to each of them on her night in a place in the house where the other cannot see her.
If he can give each wife a part of the house with a bedroom, bathroom and kitchen, this will be sufficient. Similarly, he could give each wife a separate house or apartment.
Al-Haskafi (may Allaah have mercy on him) – one of the Hanafis – said: Similarly, she is entitled to a place in the house that is free of his family and her family according to their means, as is the case with food and clothing. A separated part of the house with a door of its own and facilities such as a bathroom and kitchen will be sufficient for the intended purpose.
Ibn ‘Aabideen commented:
What is meant by “a bathroom and kitchen” is bathroom facilities and a place for cooking that should be within the room or in a place which is not shared by any other family members.
(al-Durr al-Mukhtaar, 3/599-600)
I say: what indicates that what is meant by “house” [bayt – literally, “house”, translated above as “room”] is a room is the comment of al-Kaasaani (may Allaah have mercy on him): If the house has rooms, a room should be allocated to her and given its own door. They said: she does not have the right to ask him for alternative accommodation.
(Badaa’i’ al-Sanaa’i’, 4/34)
On this basis, it is permissible for him to accommodate you in a room of the house that has its own facilities, so long as there is no fitnah (temptation) or being alone with any non-mahrams who have reached the age of puberty. He does not have the right to force you to work for them in the house or to eat and drink with them. If he is able to provide you with accommodation that is completely separate from his family, that will be better for you, but if his parents are elderly and need him, and they have no one else to serve them and the only way he can serve them is by living with them, then he has to do that.
Finally, we urge you to be patient and to strive to please your husband and to help him to honour and be kind to his family as much as possible until Allaah grants you a way out. May Allaah bless our Prophet Muhammad.
Hope you find all these fatwas useful inshaa Allah