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QUESTION: but for this descion i want to narrate my married life to you and i want it to be confidential.i belong to a relatively richer family while my husband belongs to a poor family and they are hand to mouth.we are cousins too.his and my father were brothers.when we got married he kept me at his home for 10 days in a village where there was a great problem of electricity and no gas is available,they use wood for fire.i remained there in great trouble but did nt say anything as i did nt knew his attitude.but in later life he says that those were his best days and has never realized the pain which i suffered there.then he took me with him to his job place where he had taken a house on rent.when we reached there it was in an extremely congested area small house full of dirt and only a bed was lying in it.i reached and started cleaning it.he kept lying on the day he went to office without thinking of what i will eat or do or how i will take something from market.he just gave me money collected from our marriage and said to go with the house holder aunti and buy things.i was much terrified in a new city but i said ok.there was no light and water for whole day.i spent the day in a miserable condition and he did not bother for a single moment although he had a handsome salary at that time.however i started managing things without letting him knowing the phases from which i used to pass.sometimes i kept weeping but he never bothered.we remained there for 25 days.then i went to hostel for my job as i m a doctor by result was also announced during our stay there bt he did nt husband left the job 2 months after my job to complete his studies as he was motivated by my father had supported him for his studies since his childhood as his father was poor.after my job i went to my parents house as he was still studying and his house was not a suitable place for me to go with pregnancy.then our daughter was born.i gave all my salary and savings to my husband during his studies so that he would not have any financial problem.he did not come to see our first child for 12 days.i was very happy on her birth and when my husband was nt with me i used to parents saw this and they were also not happy with it.i showed anger to him but he said he was tired.although it was a journey of 2 hours.but i thought he was not happy with her birth as he usually said he did not like children.then i remained at my parents house for another 1 and a half year,during that they took care of me,my daughter, supported my husband financially and physically as he used to come and spend months for exam preparation.during that time i did my postgraduation part 1.we got shifted then in a house taken at rent by my husband.and stated our life once again as my husband started his he never loved our daughter in the begining.she was also scared of him.but gradually he stated loving and caring for her.then i conceived againand i also started my training in a hospital.during my pregnancy he once had fever for which i kept thermometer in his arm pit and took my daughter to wash room.when i came back in 2-3 minutes he started abusing me that you don't take care of me....i wept a lot and my 8th month of pregnancy he called his sister who was unmarried to live with us as i was alone in the evening.she used to just see tv and sit alone and occasionally helped me out in house hold works.there was a servant at home who used to do cleaning and washing in kitchen.and i payed her from my salary.i took all my and my daughter's things from my salary because my husband never gave me money for shopping.then my husband and his sister got dengue and i took great care of them.gave them medicine in time,took leave from hospital,cooked food for them and juices.later i got dengue and i ate just two apples in 2 mother came by chance and she went weeping from my home.his sister did nt even came into my room when i was dying with fever and m husband went to his office.then he sent me to my parents house for delivery.our son was born.he came that son got pnemuonia after mother took great care of him,she left all her works for him,she is also a mother in law came to see him and went in an hour or two and told his son that your mother in law has misbehaved with us a lot although no such thing had happened.she said she did nt want us to come there and did nt want us to have sister came on my both deliveries for a weel after leaving her studies and took great care of them.when my son was born it was her marriage one month after that and my mother was also busy in that.but no one bothered that how she will handle with all this stuff.
my husband is the only son and has five sisters.his father had paralysis and was bed ridden for last 12 yrs.his father died 1 week before my sister's marriage.we all went there and again my son got ill.i came back to my parents house for his treatment as there was no facility in village.then due to his mother complaint he took me after marriage without letting me meet my parents.and this was what he gave them for taking care of his parents supported me financially during my stay at their home as my husband gave only a small amount of money.which he has never realized.he always thinks that he has born all our expenses.i make him realize that it is not so and at this answer he is again out of rage.At marriage my father said to him that as now his father was no more he should consider him as his father and asked him to improve his life style and if any help is needed he can help,but my husband said that your father has insulted went on with these things and then we had changed the father got angina attack and my sister got abortion i took leave from hospital and asked my husband that we have to go.he said ok and we went but he took me to village.i was much upset and asked him that when will we go to my parents house he said tomorrow and then tomorow went.he was attending somebody's marriage in village whom we even don't know.then last evening we went to my parent's place and i was full of anger that i took holidays for my father and sister who have done so much for us and he has spoiled them in attending somebody's marriage who we even don't know.on that my mother was also much angry.because she was the only one and i was coming to help her out.she asked my husband to take my sister's leave to her hospital he said send it by courier mother was already in anger and said that u will have to take husband took this thing as his insult,left home and went back to his parents house and came next day to pick us.and told me that i was about to give you divorce on your mother's reaction.without thinking what he had went husband was much offended by my parents,whenever they came to our house he went whole salary is used at home and in buying children's things.we had a quarrel on this matter too as i said that in islam it is your responsibility to bear house expenses.he said ok then first u leave job.i say that u know i m a doctor then if u did nt want your wife to work then you should have married to a hose woman.not to a doctor.if i have studied this much then why not to work.why to spoil all my hardwork?but he does not give still anything till my salary is finished in house expenses and then he gives money at home after ensuring that i m not doing any saving with my salary.we had another baby boy then and during that pregnancy i asked him to call his mother but she refused straight forward and his younger unmarried sister came to look after me in last 2 months.she also used to sit empty whole day as i took children with me.she wept for her home for which my husband scolded her.i also got angry at her that the purpose for which she had come she was not doing even 1% of that.however she took care of children at my delivery for two days and went with me to my parents house as my husband sent us again issue was again created there as my elder son was attached with my husband's sister and she could only handle one morning when my mother waked her up as my elder son got up to hold him she was annoyed.then one day my brother was alone on ground floor and my mother said all of us to sleep on roof as there was some electricity problem that day,my husband's sister went to sleep on ground morning every one felt it to be mother told her that she had done wrong but she started weeping embracing my father that aunti has scolded father kept quiet and went.she tole this to my husband that aunti has kept very bad behaviour with me and your wife treats us like servants.we will never enter your house.  now off  and on my husband pinches me on all these matters,says your parents are the cause of my depression and tension and if you want to continue your married life you should avoid meeting them.and if any insult of him occurs by my parents again he will give me divorce at the i should be careful.what should i do?is he right?i have got much hatered for him,his mother and his sisters and i don't want to see their faces again.but still i take gifts for them i meet them mother in law herself does not want to come to live with us but she has said to his son that as your wife has very bad attitude i will never come to your house.i was quite punctual in my prayers when i got married but since then my fajar got missed daily because my husband did not let me get up for that.i myself feel that i have got much away from ALLAH. what should i do?got scolded and be at risk daily?

ANSWER: Peace to you!

Dear Uzma,

I am so sorry to read about your awful experiences. They must be heart breaking for you indeed. From what I understand it is mainly your husband who does not do his duties that causes you many of your troubles. How about going to the local mosque and asking for someone to councel both of you?

How about sitting together with your husband first and talking with him about your feelings? You both need to understand the bigger picture. Here it is:

God has made us for relationship with him and others. In order to develop and enjoy them we were given the faculties of thought, will and emotion. Leaving aside the foundational needs for food, clothing, etc., we were created with two main legitimate basic needs:

-Security, expressing itself in the desire for love, relationships, acceptance and being cared for.

-Importance, expressing itself in the desire for meaningful work and purpose, power, respect, recognition and leaving a great legacy.

These needs were fulfilled by God in that he looked after Adam and Eve and put them in charge to take care of the earth. We are made first of all to have a relationship with our maker. Our two basic insufficiencies can only be met by him. However, everything changed after Adam and Eve rebelled against their creator. He was replaced by a new 'god' namely man himself who alone wanted to be in control of his life.

The unsuccessful attempt to have our legitimate basic needs met satisfactorily by ourselves and other people produces a painful lack of self confidence. In most communities and groups this makes people only to easily submit to the pressure of conformity in order to get accepted. The search for love and importance we all so desperately desire produces a hypocritical unity. A prime example of this is found in today's Islamic societies in the West. Many young, second generation Muslims do secretly disobey their religion's rule not to have premarital relationships with members of the opposite sex. To keep a shallow unity the subject is taboo and the parents turn a blind eye on the reality.

To fulfil our needs and to protect ourselves from more hurts we all come up unconsciously with strategies. These approaches to life are many faced, such as, trying to please people, being humorous, dominant, forceful, submissive, knowledgeable, generous, etc. Of course, these things are not wrong within themselves. They only turn out to be bad if we use them to satisfy the needs for security and importance ourselves rather than having them fulfilled by God. These tactics to be independent from him are not satisfactory. Therefore, many people turn to 'painkillers'. These methods of killing or at least numbing the pain of living, easily turn to addictions such as drugs, alcohol, sex, pornography, masturbation, over eating, etc. Nobody can be self-sufficient since we are not made for that purpose.

We can find out our own strategies by asking others and ourselves, 'Why do I do what I do?' Most importantly God is willing to show us our motivation if we ask him to do so. Reading all of his word, starting with the Torah, Zabur and Injeel, will also help to find answers for our behaviour and how God can change it. Once we give him control over our lives we will experience a deep sense of fulfillment, independent of our outward circumstances.

Change for the good is possible only if we recognize our selfish strategies and replace them with God`s plans as it was in the beginning. He wants us to turn around from our sinful ways and accept his way. I do offer a free and easy e-mail correspondence course on the main message of those early books. Would you like to do this study?

Here are practical consequences of living life according to God's plan

God nowhere promises to solve all our problems here and now. Troubles don't cease in our lives because without them our rebellious hearts would be more likely to fall away from God. He assures us, however, to be present in difficult times and to help us getting through them:

In the Injeel we read, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33, see also 2 Cor 12:8-10)

A honest look into our lives causes confusion about what we see in us and in the world. This gives birth to bitterness and discouragement. We are disappointed with ourselves and others because in critical moments we fail to act sensibly. That fact produces distance between people in order to avoid more hurts. Masques are worn that further hypocrisy. Disappointment leads to the conviction that we fail miserably in fulfilling the two most important commandments of God: to love him and others.

Depression, indifference, lethargy and in its worst manifestation suicide are unavoidable. These chain of events lead automatically into developing the previously mentioned strategies and obsessions. However, it is possible not to follow that path of self distraction. Since God has promised to ultimately fulfill their basic needs for security and importance people who walk God's way as explained in the first three of his books are free to do so.

They are liberated to help other to become the persons God wants them to be since they don't need to use them as sources to have their needs met. As a result, their response to the confusions of life is faith that God will carry them through the troublesome times. Their disappointment with themselves leads to a hope which is certain that things will be different, if not now to a perfect extent, then in heaven. Their conviction of failure brings forth love that is deep and real. A selfless kind of love that gives others what they need not necessarily what they want. A love that is prepared to say 'no' to someone's request that momentarily but not ultimately would be good for them.

It is important that we acknowledge, yes, even embrace the pain of our past and present. In doing so we will get a deeper understanding of how our own strategies of self fulfillment and self protection brought us to the point of breakdown in relationships. It will open up a door for a profound return to God against whom we have sinned first and foremost by expecting from people what only he can truly give. Then we will understand better his way; it was necessary not only because of our wrong doings but more importantly because of our wrong beings, manifested in the rebellious and selfish motivation to do it our way, without God.

Not to use our old strategies any more means to consciously open up to the possibility of being hurt. When the pain reaches a peak the temptation to revert back to our old ways and painkillers becomes almost unbearable. Having arrived at that point we need to make the choice of not doing so by throwing ourselves in complete helplessness and dependence into the arms of God. Those who seek God's presence in such a way through prayer will experience how their faith and character matures. Yet, while he has won the 'war' for us, some of the 'battles' we are still engaged in we loose. The great tendency for all people is to find their acceptance not in God but in their own performance.

'....for though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again, but the wicked are brought down by calamity.'

(Torah, Prov 24:16)

In pain we need comfort. God wants to be the comforter to those who ask him. (see Injeel, John 14:26) The way ahead is narrow and difficult. The answers to some of our questions are not found in research, therapy, counseling or any other method but eventually in a living relationship with God as described in the Injeel. As ancient Israel with its feasts and rites revisited its calling as a people of God, so people must daily revisit their roots in God's way and be renewed by its glory. It is a story about the gift of acceptance in God. It is a story about being called from alienation, fear and slavery through sin into the wondrous security and love of home. We need to keep remembering the facts that we are great sinners but God is an even greater saviour if only we follow his way described in the Torah, Zabur and Injeel!

Please do not hesitate to contact me if I can be of further help in any of the above.

Sincerely, praying for you,

A. Abraham

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: aoa,i asked my husband for counselling he said i don't need any.i can not share my feelings with him as his mind set is not like that,he says that you are the culprit and my mother and sisters are annoyed because of you.i m in depression because of your parents.they have always teased me and have let me and your parents let me and my family down everywhere especially my mother.

Dear Uzma,

Peace to you!

Thank you for your reply. If he is not willing then you need to let God do a mighty work of healing in your own life first. As I mentioned before,

Change for the good is possible only if we recognize our selfish strategies and replace them with God`s plans as it was in the beginning. He wants us to turn around from our sinful ways and accept his way. I do offer a free and easy e-mail correspondence course on the main message of those early books. Would you like to do this study?

Once you will be changed by God through this study your husband may be willing for counseling too.

Kind regards,

A. Abraham


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A. Abraham




My experience is in the area of Christianity and comparative Religion.

I have got a BA in Theology.

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