You are here:

Islam/Help required!

Advertisement


Question
QUESTION: Asalam Alaikum I was forced to say yes to marry a guy I don't like. I never had a relationship in my life. There was no one to stop me from dating but I always believed that if I control my desires, I'll get rewarded for it. Never thought life had all this in store for me. The bigger issues for me are. He is not good looking at all. Even though I am an Asian everyone who sees me for the first time thinks that I am an American or someone because of my colored eyes and features and all of my friends who see him say that he is not even close to good looking and its very unfair to me. The only reason they accepted me was because I am beautiful, If I was judged only on the basis of my looks, why can't I get to choose someone I myself like? the truth is I don't feel attracted to him at all. Every time I see a picture of him I get disgusted. And he is much older than me (more than 10 years). plus our personalities are entirely opposite. He is too much into things like cheap meaningless poetry and all. He is very self-obsessed. When he told me that he hardly prays he also said that " I might not be religious but I am a very good person" and he keeps saying this all the time. I am a very good person, I am very good at this I am very good at that. And I am sick of it. And I told all this to my parents and the only answer they give is these things don't matter, he belongs to a nice family and you look at how much he earns. Just because he belongs to a nice family and he is rich doesn't mean I have to kill all my desires. I am not at all into brands nor am I used to living a very fancy and luxurious life and its not like I'll die out of hunger without his money. Also those people overspend so much and they are way too much into brands and all that. This is totally opposite of what I am. I am not saying that I am a perfect muslim but I try to understand Islam as much as I can and I have read and heard various lectures and hadees warning muslims not to over spend. I had told my mom several times that whenever you get me married please try to keep it as simple as possible. We can help so many people with the amount of money we waste on these functions. And these people including my own parents spend lacs of rupees on functions, dresses, jewelry, makeup etc etc. It really breaks my heart to see all this. We see people die of hunger and here these people feel proud of over spending they tell everyone how much they spent on these meaningless things. I can't imagine to spend a minute with him. You must be thinking if I had so many issues why did I ever say yes to this proposal, So let me tell you that I was pressurized to the point where I gave up. I told my mother several times that I don't like him and asked her to turn down the proposal but she said that you are being very ungrateful and if you say this to your father, you'll be grounded and he will stop your education at one point she said that if I don't change my attitude towards the proposal then I should consider her dead. Even my father told me that he made a big mistake by letting me have education, he should have treated me the way people used to treat their daughters in earlier times i.e they weren't allowed to have education and they had no freedom at all. If he had treated me this way, I would have never gone against his decisions. He said that I don't need to like or even see the guy, if they like him, it should be good enough for me. But i did see him because other relatives told dad that this is not the right way. Both of them stopped talking me for so many days until I said yes. Initially my dad told me that we are just getting you engaged not married and its not a big deal, a week later he said that engagements are unislamic and he'll get me married instead. And he did this many times, when he wanted me to agree to something he'd say anything to make me agree and the very next day he'd change his statement and when asked he'd simply say that he changed his mind. And now they use it as a justification to shut my mouth saying that you said yes to this proposal. I am suffering from clinical depression and if this continues, I'll have a miserable life not just in the world but even hereafter since I am bitter towards my family, towards the guy and his family and I even complain to Allah sometimes that why didn't He help me when He could. I just don't know what to do. At this point I'd prefer death over this marriage. I am still living with my parents. the wedding is not consummated yet. Please tell me a dua or supplication to get rid of this relationship. Also the guy's family goes to fortunetellers and do everything with their permission. I have faced domestic abuse as well. My elder brother used to beat me and my younger siblings very badly on small issues and my father never did anything about it because he never considered a big problem and both of my parents are scared of my brother since he can insult anyone so they can't speak in front of him. Sometimes I feel like Allah doesn't love me at all otherwise he wouldn't have put me through all this.
I spoke to my father's elder brothers to explain my point to my father. They understand my position very well and when they spoke to my father about it, he screamed at them and also scolded me for asking their help and if I talk to the guy about it, he will create a big scene about it because apparently his family was ooking for a decent proposal for him for a long time but they couldn't find any.
There is one more thing that is bothering me. From last 2 or 3 years I have been getting a dream that I get married and I am extremely terrified and I am crying and trying to run. I saw this same dream 4 or 5 times. And now exactly what I saw in my dreams is happening to me. I don't understand any of this. I would be very grateful to you if you could help me with this soon. All of this is driving me crazy.

ANSWER: Wallaikum As Salaam & belated Eidul Zuha Mubarak!

Am extremely sorry for the delayed answer as I was away for a week with my wife and sons to
celebrate Eidul Zuha with my mother and brothers families.

Am still not sure by going through your message if marriage has taken place or not and I'd
appreciate if you clarify on this to guide you properly.

Based on what you described about yourself in terms of character, belief & values, its quite
surprising to find such natured girls/women now a days.

And please do not get carried away with what people describe you as an American etc. as you
should know that the Almighty Allah blessed you not only green eyes but with beautiful hair
and sharp features along with the complexion that most of the Americans lacks all these.

Remember one thing the boy is not at all at fault, if at all some one to be blamed, then it's
you because you are an adult matured woman and it's your life and marriage. If you succumbed
to your parents wishes/happiness sacrificing yours it's understandable but did you realise
that you have sacrficed his life too for no fault of his with only his fault is being rich
and flaunting his riches due to ignorance of the Almighty Allah's kalaam.

In case if you feel there is no harm, then you can send your questions on Whatsapp or viber
or Tango or wechat for faster communications by adding this # +919849026154.

Anyway, I cannot guide you till you clarify my doubt on the marriage and consummation of
marriage towards corrective actions.

Meantime, do not attach much importance to the dreams as people tends to dream which they can't
achieve in reality or what they dread and fear.

May the Almighty Allah have mercy on us to forgive our sins and guide us all to the true path
of Islam as per the Koran for rest of our life.


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Jazak Allah khiar for your answer and Eid Mubarak to you too. The nikah has taken place but the marriage is not consummated yet as I am living with my parents till the final ceremony takes place. And I do realize that the guy is not at fault. But in spite of realizing that I still can't accept him no matter how much I try. Whenever someone mentions this relationship to me or even congratulates me or I come across his picture I get very scared and the thought of the wedding makes me cry. If I talk to my mother about it she starts shouting and stops talking to me. I really don't know what to do and how to stop the wedding. The only thing I can do is pray and I do pray day and night for this one thing. I can only hope that my prayers get answered.

Answer
As Salaam Alaikum & Juma Mubarak Hina!

Well, the picture is clear now that your Nikah is over & you're legally wedded to him as per
Koran/Islam and as well as society is concerned.

Am appraising of 2 situation below & since you are a matured woman try to take a wise decision.

As said by other experts you are inside out beautiful physically appearance as well as by your
conscience.

You have a choice to divorce him since its your life and no body is going to help you in your
married life later. However, consequence can be as follows.

You will be a divorcee as far as society and future alliances is concerned irrespective of the
marriage not consummated that you only knows where as in others mind a doubt always lingers.

Since the divorce (Khula) is from your side, maintenance question do not arise since marriage
is not consummated yet. In situation of husband divorcing before consummating the marriage,
then the below Koranic verse applies.

2:237
If you divorce them before touching them, but after you had set the dowry for them, the
compensation shall be half the dowry, unless they voluntarily forfeit their rights, or the
party responsible for causing the divorce chooses to forfeit the dowry. To forfeit is closer
to righteousness. You shall maintain the amicable relations among you. God is Seer of
everything you do.

In the society people will be inquisitive to know the reasons for the divorce as most women
and families wonder what lead to divorce such a rich wealthy man. In our society, man always
prevails over woman in such a situation and can get married to any prospective young single
woman unlike woman divorcee who will find difficult to get married to an young unmarried man.

Further, your decision to divorce can bring shame on your family in the societies of India &
Pakistan and cause pain to your family as well as pain to your husband's family. Also there's
no guarantee that a handsome husband can keep you always happy. Beauty wanes as time passes
living together, especially in women when getting older.

Lastly but not least apart from above situation you are answerable to the Almighty Allah on
the judgement day for causing pain/grief to your husband & his family for no fault of theirs.

So think rationally/wisely and evaluate above situation to see if you are capable to handle it.

Alternatively, accept him as your husband considering it the will of the Almighty Allah in
believing the wise words that 'marriages are made in heaven'to look forward towards married
life in a positive way.

Who knows, perhaps this could be a divine opportunity in your way to change him & his family
from their present style of living to the righteous path.

Hina, trust me a man loves his wife not just because she is beautiful (as I said beauty wanes
as time passes) but because of her good nature, kindness and emotional support during trouble
times.

But a wife loves her husband least because he looks handsome but for making her feel secure in
his arms, giving her what she wants and more importantly for respecting her, that am sure he
has to based on what you said about your nature and heart.

So I'll end here & pray the Almighty Allah to bestow you understanding/patience that a better
sense prevails while taking decision on this.

I thought of sharing a video in a lighter way to let you know difference between man & woman
that's apt in your situation, but unfortunately there's no provision to attach except sending
it through whatsapp or viber or Tango.

May the Almighty Allah have mercy on us to forgive our sins and guide us all to the true path
of Islam as per the Koran for rest of our life.  

Islam

All Answers


Answers by Expert:


Ask Experts

Volunteer


Azam Mohammaed

Expertise

I try to clarify doubts logically with Koran's guidance

Experience

Mashallah 18 years since I got married to my wife who is a Protestant Christian by faith

Organizations
ITC Limited ABD-ILTD Division

Publications
Nil

Education/Credentials
Bachelor of Commerce

Awards and Honors
Nil

Past/Present Clients
Nil

©2016 About.com. All rights reserved.