Islam/Being a second wife
ummhayaat wrote at 2007-12-08 00:07:22
I think the sister forgot to add that a person who gains a second wife should be somewhat religious.. and seeking a religious lifestyle. He should be learning about Islam and be able to teach his wives and children about islam.
His manners should be one of extreme patience and he must cope well with the hormonal problems of women.. and their worries and isecurities.
This is not small feat..
I would guess that because you are already cheating on your first wife that you are having some religious problems. And need to work on your first marriage before you can think of having a second wife.
Also the halal way of obtaining a second wife is not to do so out of love.. but to look for her through legally islamic means... It seems that this girlfriend of yours will only increase your sinfulness. You must work on yourself before embarking on the journey of polygamy.
if you are having problems in your first marriage then you need to work this out with your wife or divorce her. At the very least being honest with her about the situation is very important. As the problems between the two of you will not go away over night.
and your islam will suffer until you have your life under control.
Suprised 1st Wife wrote at 2008-09-12 20:04:42
"he is not required to tell the first one about it"....I believe this is a misconception. There is no sin if the man is travelling and marries a second wife and doesn't tell the first wife right away. However, this implies that he eventually must tell her. The prophet pbuh did not keep secret wives. The husband is under no obligation to consult the first wife. However, you are also forgetting that if the husband has made a promise (in the marriage contract or verbally) not to marry a second wife then the first wife may divorce him if he doe so.
Muslima wrote at 2009-07-03 18:30:21
Hmmmmmm.......I'm not sure the advice that you are not required to tell your first wife is exactly accurate. You may not lie by Islam. This is a big sin. So, what does not telling the first wife imply? It implies that there will be many lies to keep her in the dark so to speak. Is this a halal way to live? Is this the right way? Look within your heart and you know the answer. If you are a good man, a good musilm, you already know that lying to your wife is wrong. Consulting the internet in the hopes someone will say its ok in any way is just justification for the bad behavior.
Khadiajh wrote at 2009-08-28 17:13:01
Salaam. I am the secret second wife to a wonderful man. It is so hard not being able to share with the world that he is my husband and all my wedding photos,gifts etc lay in a cupboard, untouched. I work with him and see him everyday, but he goes home to his first wife every night as he has family there. That is my choice and when I married him, I told him I would never ask him to stay. It is a lonely life, I just stay at home and read on islam, and pray. I am fairly new to Islam, I converted nearly two years ago, but had been living with muslim friends for a few years. I just want people to understand that a secret marriage is hard, but when you love someone with all of your heart, then it is better than not having him in your life. I love his son as my own, and all of my family back in the UK know all about my life here in India, and they support me well. To keep your faith and trust in Allah is my advise, as everything happens for a reason, and I firmly believe I am ment to be with him in some way.
sherazat wrote at 2010-03-11 20:40:19
It is very shameful that some persons dare to suggest that lies are accepted in Islam.Of course your friend should let his wife know about his plans,it is ETHICAL to do so!A valid marriage is a marriage that has been announced publicly!And publicly does not mean everybody except the wife! Islam doesnt encourage lies and avoiding telling the truth is also a lie.A muslim man has the right to marry another wife under certain conditions,not becoz he wants to fulfill his pleasures!It is moral to announce his first wife as she has the right to know what is going on in her family...what if she discoveres after a while and has a shock which may put her life in danger?Isnt it decent to let her know so she will decide if she wants to live in a polygamous marriage or not???It's a shame that some people turn and twist Islam in their own favour!Let us say the first wife will agree...ok,but what if she doesnt?Will the second one be happy to build her happiness on someone else's misery?Allah...
sherazat wrote at 2010-03-14 17:20:36
Assalam aleykom,i am very interested in y my answer hasnt been posted yet.U dont accept oppinions which disagree with urs?Thank u!
Debbie wrote at 2010-04-10 01:38:07
It is called cheating. Why not divorce, nobody can treat two equal.
Such a man is not called a good man in other cultures.
A outsider wrote at 2010-04-15 01:46:48
This answer added shame to Islam among both Muslims and non-Muslims. Taking multiple wives is already illegal in non-Muslim world because it is so against human nature. Marrying one without telling the other makes it worst.
Why Muslims stop reasoning and defend everything from Allah? They are the most reasoning and learning group 1000 years ago. What happened now?
The more human way is: tell you first wife so she has the choice to walk out from the marriage, sooner or later she would learn, it is so unfair and inhuman to her. Does Islam teach kindness, peace and human?
vivi wrote at 2010-12-13 00:50:46
i read your answer about "being a second wife". i like your answer because it is clear about the topic "being a second wife"
However, i want to ask you some question:
If the first wife doesn't permit her husband to marry with a second wife and not to let his remarrying, he should remarry or not?
The topic "the second wife" is always hard to solve for every periods.
I'm a girl ,seeking marriage and suffer from a experience of a plural marriage. i often meet many men who is married already, want to marry me as a second wife.
I disliked being a second wife when i was young.
However, i also find the number of women are more than the men, the marriage for women are more difficult. There 're a minority of women who can not be married at every ages.They often accept to be second wives for the men who want to expand the family.
i fell in love with a man who was married already ago 3 years. I 'm also a modern woman with a job but i 'm convinced to accept a second wife.
I know why polygyny exist in human history for thousand years though it is not popular.Even in modern society, there are always minority of women who is hard got married want polygyny and majority of men want to remarry.
Almost country 's law forbid polygyny, in fact it still exist.And girls who select to be second wives aren't protected by law. They have to accept to live as a second wife in secret and the husband leave them anytime with any duty.
I have ever been in love with the married man and know the pain of polygyny only for women.
i was humilated by his wife when i was taken to meet the first wife. i tried to do best to convince her. Even i beg her on my blended knees but she force her husband to cancell my wedding.
I cried very much when he leave me.
i also know your advice when loving the married man , i must overcome the first wife 's jealousy and anger. However, i did not .
Now i'm miserable and don't dare to love anyone.
Surrounding me, there're some men who come to me, but i'm afraid. Not because i don't want to be a second wife, due to i 'm afraid of their wife's jealousy.
I don't know whether or not i'm happy as a second wife because the life of a second wife is often unhappy. It's difficult to solve the problem with the husband 's current wife and children.
I don know why i feel that i have more married men who come to me than single men. And i also feel more attracted to married than single. i don't know why though i don't like polygyny.
I hope to hear from your advice.
NoorOfIslam wrote at 2011-02-14 00:36:50
I have read your question about your friend, i have noticed that you say that your friend is already having relations with this other women while he is still married and in Islam that is classed as fornication, fornication is ilegal in Islam and is a crime and punishable by being stoned to death as shown in authentic hadiths(Sahih Bukari). I can clearly see by reading your question that your friend is infactuated by this other woman and most probably will treat her better than his wife,as he has already beytrayed his wife and by doing so he has betrayed Allah, i call this pure lust and acting non muslim. Our prophet)pbuh) never married woman for lust and when he married Hadija he never married until she passed away and she was 40yr while our prophet(pbuh) was only 25yr old. I advise that you advise your friend he is doing wrong and to end this relationship asap and seek forgivenes from Allah and his wife.Your friend is straying away from the teachings of Islam and falling into shaytans temptaions, how could he even consider marrying this woman when he is already lying betraying fornicating and negleting his wife and her islamic rights by the laws set to him by Allah all of the cause of being with this woman. I strongly advise he follow Allahs guidance, repent his sins goto his wife and fix that marriage before he consider marrying another woman and he might find he is gratefull what Allah has given to him.
Follow the Quran and the authentic Hadiths and use logic and you will be okay:)
comcern muslim wrote at 2011-03-16 12:19:09
As-Salaamu Alykum WRWB
Three criteria for men to marry a second wife.
1.he should be islamicly incline
2.he should be financially incline
3.he should be a healthy strong men
Certain scholars view is that what the parties agreed on and that they will abide to there agreement as long as it with accordance with sharia
whoisit wrote at 2012-02-19 07:11:51
I think the brother should add the school of law he is following since Hanafi does not require a mahram's consent for adult female but is preferable. A good explanation below. http://www.scribd.com/doc/13296013/Evidence-of-Hanafi-Scholars-That-Marriage-is-
maryam wrote at 2012-03-18 11:40:27
Salam, I believe you are wrong in saying the woman must have her mahram's permission to marry. There is fiqh on this that says this is not true.
Kim wrote at 2012-04-25 14:51:25
I most certainly disagree about a husband not having to tell his first wife about a second marriage. It is absolute common sense that this deceit and betrayal of the first wife is not something that makes sense, and I challenge any expert to convince me that this scenario would be acceptable to Allah. Allah being Most Compassionate and Merciful.Allah is All Good, Wise. I do not suppose to know Allah as I know myself or another human, but when it comes to what is right and what is not right, isn't this obvious. Would Allah who allowed us free choice to choose between right and wrong accept being deceitful. It is Allah who is the Most Just. It would not be in his character to allow a situation that would be unfair to a first wife. Not everything in the Qur'an is meant to be understood or known, but it is clear to anyone with honest and simple good judgement that when it is mentioned in the Qur'an about taking two, or three, or four, it is after the Battle of Badr when there was an excess of woman. This was to protect their dignity and to keep them from doing wrong or being mistreated. It was the exception not the rule. And it says "if you can be fair". I challenge anyone to use logic and explain how you can be fair to a first wife that has 100% of a husband; you divide that by two and you now only have %50; divide it by 3 is 33.3%; and by four is %25. If the wives agree to it, that's one thing, but to say a husband does not have to tell his first wife defies logic and common sense.
Eman wrote at 2012-06-04 09:04:28
I am a first wife and my husband had another child with a woman same time I was pregnant when I found out about her she said she will never accept islam and thinks we are evil so she would not be a second wife I forbid him to continue after this was discovered but I recently found out that a year later he still would see her on the weekends I was hurt still am but I prayed a lot and in my heart I know now that he won't stop seeing her cause he says the only way she allows him to see the child is if he has sex and she did not deny. I want our marriage to work so I forgave him and he is trying to earn my trust but its hard to believe him now. I know I would have much turmoil if he takes a second wife because he seems distant when I knew he would sneak off and I don't feel he can take care of our family and another one! keep this in mind will the husband be able to take first wife to the mall and get things for her and kids then, the same day do same for second? Many
cannot so they should not marry again that's not equal...
Sad girl27 wrote at 2012-11-28 19:37:23
Hi all, it is a very interesting topic..
I am a Muslim Asian lady who works as a stewardess in an airline ..
I fell in love with an Arab man who proposed to me only after 3 months after our first meeting,
But when I was presented to his parents , they humiliated me and forced him to
Marry another girl (arab) instead of me.. My boyfriend could not disobey his parents wishes,
Therefore begging me to wait for him till he gets married to a girl of his mum's choice and then
Will marry me as a second wife..
It is hard.. Dear Muslim sisters, it is so hard, I pray everyday for Allah s.w.t to give me guidance
And to be strong to withstand all god's challenges for me, I have not decided to be his second wife
But my love for him is so strong that it is so hard to make my decision..
Therefore, I urge all Muslim sisters who are going through the same situation as me to ask n ask
Allah s.w.t for his guidance. Only The Almighty will be able to help us..
It is a straight forward topic with regards to Poligamy, but as Muslim women , we have the right to
Accept being a second wife or to simply say no.. Yes, we pray to Allah s.w.t but God gives us brains to
Think logically as well and to make the right decision , because GOd will guide us to the right path..
May Allah s.w.t protect all of us..Insya-Allah ...
sue wrote at 2013-08-15 12:43:54
What if your husband marries a second wife but uses the first wife's money to support the second wife and her 3 children who she has from diffirent men. what if he married her after he had sex wirh her. What if he spends all the first wife's savings on the second wife because he cant even provide for the first wife. What then
ahmad wrote at 2014-05-21 01:02:06
ASSALAMULAIKUM,my first time here and I am here cos a reason.I read a few articles here and everyone has there own fair share of reason for notion of helping her from exorcism. she converted and we got married and becos of her past religion she get "possed" and made my life miserably..always emotional and would treat me badly...always asking for divorce and no harmony in home. I did not divorce here cos of my kids.....I wanted them to maintain as muslims. I have 2 kids now and for 15 years I had miserable life...and had no one to talk to or cry to......as a man I was always searhcing for love and care...............was I wrong to look for alternatives in good faith? was I chicken not to divorce her? five years ago she claims that she received the call from allah and she is now a complete follower of sunnah and quran.........during this time we went thorough multiple episode of "posses" as she calims she is being cleansed with surah. she prays 8 times a day and very very reigous, way, thinks, and almost daily life....but again I have not choice but to accept....her ways cos of allah.....she joined an religious group that follows sunnah and the laws in quran....now we have problems too....the other way......she is too religious and I am moderate...we argue on many points that she blindly accepts
I have no say in the way the kids should be brought up and many other family issues..whih she does her way and she alays make it the way that I am against islam....my life is confused and I ask allah to give me strength..........until I made someone on the internet, a muslim lady......who helped me to maintain my sense during these 6 years......who helped my mentally........now, am I wrong if I decided to marry her without the knowledge of my first wife.?..NO............I FEEL , I NEED TO LIVE, AND I HAVE THE RIGHTS TO LIVE,COS I DONT NOT BELIEVE IN MY FIRST WIFE'S NATURE ANYMORE...........AND MY KIDS HAVE THE RIGHTS TO LIVE TOO.