AboutTai Yamanaka Expertise I can answer questions regarding Japanese business culture, business etiquette, corporate society, as well as provide know-how on how to research industries, corporations and communicate with business contacts.
Experience I have over 20 years of experience working in Japanese corporations as well as for American corporations doing business with Japan. I have served as a representative as well as a go-between for American and other corporations with Japanese businesses, industry and scholarly associations as well as government agencies
Expert: Tai Yamanaka Date: 6/18/2007 Subject: Being a guest in someone's home in Japan
Question QUESTION: I am leaving for Japan soon with my girlfriend to visit her cousin and his wife.
They recently had their first baby. We were originally planning on staying with
her cousin and his wife, but now... after we have already booked non-
refundable plane tickets, my girlfriend says that due to Japanese culture, the
cousin and his wife say that I can not stay in their home. I am very torn now
on what to do as I don't want to fly all the way to Japan only to find that I do
not have anywhere to stay!
Does this practice sound normal to you? Or should I be looking for some
other reason as to why I am being told that I am not welcome in the house? I
am an extremely polite and courteous person, so I am really confused as to
why I am being placed into this predicament.
Any help you can provide would be appreciated.
Thank you!
-Jason
ANSWER: Hello Jason,
Thank you for your question.
I am afraid that the position that your girlfriend's cousin has taken is perfectly normal and ordinary. Japanese culture is very conservative when it comes to how it treats unmarried couples. Your girlfriend is their relative, so her cousin and his wife do not have any problem with letting her sleep over, but you are neither a relative or a relation-through-marriage. Since you do not have a legal relationship with your girlfriend, the cousin is not obligated to extend to you any familial hospitality.
Please note that this has nothing to do with whether you are a Japanese or a foreigner. If your girlfriend had a Japanese boyfriend, he would be treated the same way.
If you still want to visit the family of your girlfriend, staying in a nearby hotel should be perfectly acceptable to her relatives, and indeed that would be the proper way to make your visitation.
I hope this helps.
Please let me know if I can help with more questions you may have.
Best regards,
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Thank you very much for your quick response. While it is a very frustrating
situation that I am in, it does help a little bit to hear that this is a normal
practice. I was beginning to get paranoid and think they were telling me these
things because they simply did not want me to go for some reason. But
basically, what you're saying is that I should not take it personally, right? And
as long as I sleep elsewhere, my visitation should not cause any problems or
division among the family? I really wish they would have informed us of this
before we spent all that money on flights!
The ironic part here is that my girlfriend and I are actually legally married. We
eloped 6 months ago, but have not announced it to the familes yet because
we would like to have a more formal ceremony down the line. Just thought
you may be able to enjoy the catch-22 of that little situation! :0) Thank you
very much for your help.
Answer Hello again, Jason,
I can certainly see the irony of your situation. Just to recap, though -
1. The refusal to let you stay at their house is a normal practice in Japan, and there shouldn't be anything personal in taking that position.
2. Proper behavior in this circumstance would be for you to stay at another location, like a nearby hotel.
3. Whether your visitation would cause any problems or division among your girlfriend/wife's family is another question.
Did your elopement cause unpleasantness for some relatives? Do they know about it? Did your spouse burn some bridges in this course of action? Were your relatives forced to take sides? These are all questions that only you can answer, and perhaps outside the scope of this answer site.
