Expert: Derrick Holland - 10/18/2007

Question
Hi, My son is dating a girl that was raised Jehovah Witness as soon as she became of age she left the faith. Since then her Mother has been very upset and sends people from her faith to try to talk her in to coming back to the faith. So now she has met my son. Her Mother refuses to meet my son because he is not a Jehovah Witness. Is this kind of behavior common amongst people of this faith? Do they really practice shunning?

Answer
Hello Jenny, and thank you for writing.

I am sorry for the experience that you and your son, along with his girlfriend, are going through.

Unfortunately, this IS an all-too-common situation.  No doubt, the mother is heart-broken because she believes that her daughter has left "the truth" (which is how JWs refer to their religion).  However, the refusal to meet your son is not something required by the religion, and my guess is that she will eventually come around, and at least accept it.  I hope she will, anyway.

As for shunning, yes, this is done.  But under most circumstances, it is done to a former JW who was baptized, and either leaves the religion, or is expelled.  You didn't say for sure, but I am gathering by what you wrote that the young lady your son is seeing, was not ever a BAPTIZED JW.  Whether a person is baptized or not, makes a BIG difference.  

If the daughter was not baptized, there is really no logical reason for the mother to be acting this way towards your son, because the daughter would never have been considered a JW anyway, and she simply made the decision not to become one.  The mother is probably trying to show her protest of her daughter's actions, but again, she will hopefully come around.

I experienced a similar thing when I was married.  My mom never refused to meet my girlfriend, because she had accepted that I was not a JW, and would not be marrying one.  In fact, my mom and now wife are quite close.  My mom's ordeal was my getting married in a church building.  She threatened to refuse to attend, unless I moved it to another location.  I told her that I wanted her there, but we wanted our marriage to begin in church, because that would be a part of our normal lives.  And that if she really wanted to be there, then she would be there.  If not, that was her decision.  She came.  

What I am saying is, that alot of what you are seeing is this woman trying to manipulate and intimidate her daughter into doing what she wants.  But she will probably come around, so long as the daughter stands her ground.

You must also understand this, and this is not easy to say, but its simply the way this woman thinks.....She believes her daughter "knows the truth" and that your son is a "worldly" person, not fit for her JW daughter.  In her mind, even though he may be a nice young man, he is not a JW.....and that is what matters.

What I was saying before about baptism.....If the daughter was never baptized, then the mother really has no reason to be acting this way.  Actually, even if the daughter WAS baptized, she STILL shouldn't act this way.  But in the mind of a JW, when a member IS baptized and then leaves or is expelled, then they are to be shunned and avoided.  Contact should be only when necessary.  There are MANY, MANY cases and testimonies available online written by former JWs who have been shunned by their JW family and friends.

But like I said, if the girl wasn't baptized, then I think that things will probably improve in the long run.  And the fact that the mom is still having regular contact with her daughter, shows me that the girl probably was not baptized.

In fact, my mother and me have a good relationship to this day....and that is ONLY because I was NEVER baptized into the religion.  Had I been baptized and then left, I would probably be shunned by my mother.

I hope this answer has been helpful and informative.  If I can answer any further questions, please do not hesitate to write.  I truly hope this situation works out for everyone concerned.

Take care, and have a great day.

Derrick