How to Know if He/She Really Likes You/having doubts regarding previous dilemma
Hi again. I asked you a question about five days ago regarding my shyness around guys I like and having tons of trouble talking to them and flirting,etc. I am the one that asked you about whether the guy I work in a store with, a pharmacist, was just being nice or flirting. Now I am really second-guessing myself and I guess, maybe even your opinion. You said he was probably interested on a basic level. Actually, what do you mean by "on a basic level"? That he wants to be friends or more than that?? Being so shy, but also because we don't ever leave work at the same time, and since he is busy most of his shift, I decided to write him a note under the pretense of having a small party. I told him he could open the envelope right away though and said the party is in a couple of weeks. I told him how I felt and gave him my number. I also said I wasn't 100 percent sure if he was interested in me and that I was very shy at first around guys I like. I just am really second-guessing myself now.....maybe I should have waited a little longer. But knowing how dang shy I am, it would have taken me a month or even longer to get the words out of my mouth. I want to know how he feels and maybe I should have not written the note? What do you think? Was this too junior-high? I wouldn't say he is a big flirt -I have observed how he acts in general, but I WOULD say he's a very friendly person towards everyone. That is why I am doubting myself. To refresh your memory: I was coming back from the bathroom and as soon as I was within view from the pharmacy, he said hi, waved, and smiled really big. I was about 15 or 20 feet away from him. Am I reading too much into this? A couple hours later, he was buying shakes for everyone, and when he came to ask me (it was just him and me), he did not look me in the eye at all and seemed a little bit nervous. He kinda stumbled over his words a bit. I am going CRAZY.....maybe, quite possible, my flirting radar is way, way off......how the heck do I determine what is being friendly and what is flirting? I'm so confused and even upset. I thought another guy liked me a couple of years ago and asked him out, but he wasn't interested......so I feel like I'm totally clueless. Maybe I should talk to a counselor because I get very, very upset because it's so difficult for me to approach guys I like and flirt with them. And I'm not young, either-I am in my mid-thirties and should not be having these kinds of issues. I want to crawl into a hole and I feel like maybe I am meant to be alone forever. I do appreciate your time, effort, and opinion and if you could answer my questions, that would be very much appreciated! Oh yeah, I was gonna ask you too: if this guy IS interested, how long should I wait before determining that he is probably NOT into me-how long should I wait for him to call? A day or two? Or longer? Thank you so much.
Well, the first thing I want to tell you is this: after reading your letter, I really want you to take a deep breath. I can feel how much this situation has upset and even frustrated you, but I do have to be brutally honest with you and tell you that yes, you are very much over-analyzing this situation and putting way too much pressure on yourself, and even the fellow in question. And, you are doubting yourself because you're operating from a place of insecurity and fear. This is NOT a good place to be operating in to have a good and healthy relationship with a man, and especially not with yourself. Try to remember this, Holley, any decision made out of fear, is always the wrong one. So, if out of fear, you're telling yourself that you're a wuss, or that this fellow is not attracted to you, then that's the wrong decision because you're coming down on yourself and compromising yourself. You can't have any confidence when it comes to flirting and courtship if you don't have any confidence in yourself as a woman. So, that's where you need to start. In other words, you need to practice some serious self-love. Why? Because it's always good to treat yourself well, and this will dramatically improve your confidence, which will be like catnip to men.
Here's what I want you to try : for the next week, I want you to give yourself at least two ''me treats.'' What is a ''me treat?'' It's something nice you give to or do for yourself that makes you feel good. Examples? Sure. Put some perfume on your sheets and smell it as you go to sleep. Get yourself a manicure/pedicure. Take yourself to your favourite restaurant. But yourself something that makes you feel absolutely sexy. Blow bubbles in your front yard. Make yourself some cupcakes. Buy yourself some flowers. Get a haircut or try a new colour. Take a nice long bubble bath. Go dancing. I'm sure you get the idea here, but the key is to do something that makes you feel good. For the next week, I want you to commit yourself to doing - at least - two me treats. More would be great, but at least do two, Holley. If you truly embrace this process, it will skyrocket your confidence like no one's business!
Now then, onto the more practical part of your email. Let's answer your questions. What I meant by he's interested in you on a basic level is that I do believe he's attracted to you - exactly to what extent is unclear as of yet, but he does have an attraction to you. I say it's unclear because it's entirely possible to find someone attractive, but not be interested in them. I would have to know a bit more about this fellow to determine if there's a definite romantic interest. But that at least is there. As to your question about him calling you, I think you're going about this the wrong way. You see, men are the hunters, and women are the game. We women are the ultimate choosers, here - not men. By thinking like that, you are making him the chooser, and not yourself, and that puts you at a significant disadvantage. I think instead of asking how long should you wait for him to call before you determine he's NOT into you, the better question would be how long do you give him an opportunity to determine if he's worth your time? The answer to that is entirely up to you, Holley.
As to the difference between being friendly and flirty, the purpose of being flirty is to make the other person feel good about themselves. The purpose of being friendly is to make you feel good about them, at the end of the day. I know this might sound confusing, but I think in time, you'll see what I mean.
Please don't be upset, Holley. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, and you don't have a thing to feel ashamed or embarrassed about. I can guarantee that you are not meant to be alone, but what you are going through is a learning experience that you'll have to go through before you can find your guy. Parts of it are uncomfortable and unpleasant, but part of the lesson is that you will HAVE to break out of your comfort zone sometimes in order to get what you want. And please, please don't think you're too old to be having difficulties. Mid thirties is not old, and if it makes you feel any better, the oldest person who wrote to me was well into their sixties. So please, don't feel embarrassed for that.
I hope that this helps, Holley, and if you have any more questions, I'd be happy to help. :)