How to Know if He/She Really Likes You/Am I in the
QUESTION: Hello, theres a girl at work who ive been getting to know quite well recently, shes married, but seems to be putting in quite a bit of effort in getting to know me too. Weve been out for a chat 4 times after work, and each time its been her idea, ive never asked her to meet me. Im also leaving the office we both work at, now we usually have an office leaving party, but she wants just us two to go out. Maybe she just likes me as a friend, afterall she is married but then why does she want just us two to be alone???. I can see me getting feelings for her but its the old scenario can I be friends with someone I have feelings for if she doesn't feel same because I'll just be torturing myself hanging out with her, yet at same time shes the nicest person ive ever met & I feel like if she doesn't have feelings for me then I need to move on & get her out of my life even though I will lose a gem of a person. I just cant get my head round if shes married why she even has time for me. I know shes allowed friends but when its the opposite sex & she seems to think about me a lot it just seems a bit strange to me. If I was married yes id still want friends of the opposite sex but im not sure id put as much effort in like she is doing with me???.
Finally, you hear of opposites attract but also chemistry/connection. What the hell is right??? everything seems to contradict itself???.
ANSWER: Hey there, Martin.
Thanks for writing in today, mate. Let's see if we can't clear up some of that confusion for you, yes? :)
From what you've described to me in your letter, it sounds as if the lines between friendship and romantic interest have gotten a bit blurred here, yes? While this lady considers you a good friend, there is a small element of flirtation as well, which spells danger for you. Why? Because it suggests that something might be off in her own marriage, and is looking for that missing element elsewhere. Unfortunately, Martin, this isn't for you to fix - it's for her and her husband to fix. As hard as it is for you, you've got to do the right thing here and only continue to be her friend, nothing more, nothing less. If that means that you have to take a step back from her for a spell, so be it, but you can't let this grow into anything so long as she's married. You can even go so far as to suggest she bring her husband when the two of you have your get together. This should help her get your meaning, and if not, you can be a bit direct with her and express your concerns. You don't have to lose her as a friend though. If you want to continue to be her friend, then painful as it may be, you will have to take a small step back from her until you can accept just being friends with her.
I truly applaud your honour in trying to do the right thing, Martin. It says a great deal about your character. This will be painful for you, I can almost guarantee, but there's no doubt in my mind that you'll come out stronger and better for it. I have all the faith in the world that you can do this. :)
I hope this helps Martin, and if you have any more questions, feel free to ask.
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QUESTION: Sorry one last thing. Ive read womens real life thoughts from various sources how they love their partner because theyre funny, kind, thoughtful, etc etc, well that's me too but I also read if youre like this you can be seen as "too nice" of a guy & that's what makes them treat you as a friend & nothing more. What do you think from a womans point of view?.
Thank you again.
ANSWER: Hey Martin,
Honestly, the only way a woman will see you as ''too nice'' is if you're an absolute doormat and don't have strong boundaries. But I don't think that that sounds like you, so it's unlikely that that's the issue here. From an honest point of view from a woman, unless or until a man puts some sexual or flirtatious energy into the mix, you will only be perceived as a friend. It's just the way we women operate. In other words, there has to be some tension there for you to be seen as anything other than a friend. It's something that most women will never tell you, but I'm telling you here - you've got to make her feel something, and that something is usually the kind of attention that no one else is giving her.
Any other questions? Ask away.
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QUESTION: Hey, im liking the tone in your reply straight to the point & honest ;-). Yeah its just some people say you have to start out as friends & that's what I think too to get to know someone properly & im all for getting to know a girl as well as I can before even attempting to take things further unless that's where im going wrong???. Surely you have to talk & stuff & show an interest in their life to know if you like someone or not, or am I wrong?. I dont flirt or do what you say for fear of scaring them off. I don't want women thinking im just after one thing. I want to show them im caring & thoughtful too, hence the getting to know them & them to get to know me. I know only I can fix this but its good to get a womans point of view. Cheers
Well, really, the thing that will get them thinking you're only after one thing is if you flirt with them in a sexual way. Now see, even though flirting is sexually charged, you don't have to flirt with a sexual tone. Actually, a real secret to flirting is that the true goal of it all is to make the woman feel good about herself, not necessarily to signal to her that you like her. It's the difference between telling her that her knockers look great in that blouse (and yes, men will say thing like this to women!) and telling her that she has a beautiful smile. Naturally, if you try the former, the woman's not going to give you the time of day because she knows what you're after. However, with the latter, you're showing your class, that you respect her, and you want to make her feel good about herself -something to keep in mind.
There's nothing wrong with getting to know a girl before taking things further, but again, you have to let her know in some form that you're interested, otherwise, they won't be interested simply because they think you're not interested. So to take away point with all of this in order to get the ladies truly interested in you, you have to let them know first that you are interested. :)
As always, you know where to find me. :)