How to Know if He/She Really Likes You/would sending a facebk message be weird/inappropriate
QUESTION: Hi again Nicolette. I am the woman who gave another employee an "invitation" asking him out because I'm very, very shy. I wrote a note inside this invitation. To give you an update: I gave him the card four nights ago. No response. I did put my phone number in the note, of course. I saw him tonight as he was leaving but he was on his dang cell phone and so I couldn't talk to him!! He did say goodnight. While on the phone. I know he does not work tomorrow or during the weekend at all. Now I am really going crazy wondering. Would it be weird if I sent him a message, a brief friendly one, on facebook? (we are not facebook friends,but obviously you can still send a message.) I haven't given it a lot of thought into what I would say. Because I need someone else's advice on whether I should send him a message or not. If you think it would be "normal" to send one, what should I say? Like, "Did you happen to open the invitation I gave you?" But I don't know.......if he did open it and is NOT interested in me, then it would be very, very awkward, to say the least!! Today at work I was second-guessing myself the entire afternoon and evening--thinking that I am reading too much into his actions. As I said, I think my flirting radar is way off and I am so upset because I freakin cannot tell the difference between being friendly and being flirty!!! So much of me wants to not give up, but another part of me, especially right now and today, wants to just forget this whole thing and man and just get over it and give up and move on. I'm so confused, frustrated, upset.....sorry I keep bothering you with this whole situation. I just have no one else to help me with this, not even friends. Honestly, I don't have any close friends and my closest friend lives an hour away. We just reconnected last summer after many, many years apart. She does NOT know my background though, such as my severe dating anxiety. I only feel comfortable talking to my mom about this, and I don't want to bother her too much. She has her own stress to deal with. She is very supportive, but I can't talk to her constantly. Like I am with you. Ok, I guess that is all I have for now. If you could please give me your thoughts yet again I would appreciate it so much. Thank you so much.
ANSWER: Now Holley, remember what I told you: men are the hunters, women are the hunted. By wanting to send him a facebook message and such, you are putting yourself in the position of the man, the position of the hunter. That's not what you want to do; you want to give him a chance to step up and finally show you one way or another what he's feeling. Otherwise, you will most likely scare him off by being too aggressive. Not only will you come off as aggressive, there is a distinct possibility you might even come off as needy and clingy - which you most certainly don't want to come off as. Rather, next time you see him in person, that would be the time to ask him about the card, and about your invitation. Also, keep in mind that regardless of what his answer is, it's all in your favor. In the meantime, just relax, pull back, and allow him to come to you a bit.
As always, I'm here for you when you need to talk.
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QUESTION: After I sent you the question about whether I should send him a message on facebook, I almost immediately thought to myself the same thing you said--that it would be too aggressive. I agree. I realize I am going to have to start talking to him more, but I would like to know,because I truly don't know, is smiling (a real smile, or smiling really big) considered flirting? I always smile at him whenever I see him-he does the same. What is the difference between a "just friends" smile and a "I want to date you" smile? How can I tell with him? And in regards to myself, I suppose. I just wish I knew some of his likes, hobbies, interests.....but I don't, which is making it more difficult to talk to him as well. I think I am going to forget about asking him about the invitation card. My gut tells me he hasn't opened it, but who knows....I think we need to talk more before possibly going out for the first time. Since I am pretty shy at first, and I think he may be shy too. Let me know your opinion on the friendly or flirty smiling. Also, what are some topics I could talk to him about? I am at a loss since I really don't know his likes and interests!! One last thing: I don't know if I told you or not, I can't remember: I am much older than he is. I am eleven years older, but I do truly feel closer to his age, which is 28. I really don't think he knows how old I am, and everyone in the world always, always thinks I am ten or more years younger than I am. I have a baby face and very clear skin. I have never tanned nor smoked. My parents also look much younger than they are as well, so I guess it's in the genes! Sorry, I am rambling on! Anyway, I'm honestly kinda scared he would or will freak out when he finds out how much older than him I am. (This is a whole different issue, but I am not going to have children naturally and I do think about that. It's a fact and it does factor into a relationship.) Thank you again for your wonderful, very helpful advice!!
It's good to hear from you.
Well, in terms of a friendly vs a flirty smile, believe it or not, it's all in the eyes. When you're smiling in a purely platonic way, you only smile with your mouth. However, if someone is smiling in a flirtatious way, you tend to smile with both your mouth - and believe it or not -your eyes as well. What do I mean by smiling with your eyes? Well, when someone's flirting, they tend to have a certain gleam in their eye, almost like a sparkle. You can try these out in front of a mirror to see what I mean.
As far as what to talk to him about, you can start by asking him questions. You want to know what his interests are, and there are some great ways to get to the heart of what his passions and interests are. For example, ask him what he does on the weekends. This reveals quite a lot about him because it tells you what he likes to do for fun, and where his interests are. Also, try asking him if he won, say $30 million in a lottery jackpot, and never had to work again, what would he be doing? This will really get deep into what drives him and makes him happy, and well as probably get him to open up to him more, because it's a fun question, and people feel safe when they're having fun. :)
As always, you know where to find me. :)