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How to Know if He/She Really Likes You/men who are players/cheaters forever


Hi Nicolette! I know my question is not about liking someone, but you have given excellent advice to me previously and thought you could give some insight into this. And with your background in psychology. I know this man who is 38-the majority of 38 year old men want to be fairly settled down, as in wanting either a long-term relationship or marriage and/or kids. This guy is still "sowing his oats" and I know for a fact that he has slept with MANY women-in the hundreds. A little background about him: I went to school with him. He has had major alcohol problems and possibly hard drugs as well. He is irresponsible and uses the women that fall into the trap of living with him. He uses that woman financially. But here is the catch: He cannot stay faithful to any woman whatsoever. I was one of the women he cheated with; I didn't know he had a live-in "girlfriend" while I was seeing him. I found that out after I broke it off with him. He was on a dating site for a long time that is well known for being a casual sex/one night stand website. My main question is: Why do you think guys like these go from woman to woman, over and over, for years on end??  Do you believe that there is such a thing as a sex addiction or not? Is it just a refusal to grow up and be a responsible adult? (since he uses women financially as well-he has trouble keeping jobs due to , I believe, his alcoholism and drug use) I'm sure there is low self esteem deep down. But what are your thoughts? It just seems like there would be a point in time when guys (finally) get tired of going constantly from one woman to another. This guy seems (maybe this is a key word: SEEMS) content, at 38, smoking pot, mooching off a live-in woman, and cheating on her with tons of women.

Hi Holly!

It's so great to hear from you again! Quite a troublesome situation isn't it, the player?
Allow me to share a story with you to show you I know just what you've gone through.

I used to know a guy once who was, shall we say, quite the player.  He was one of my coworkers then, and it seemed like every time I saw him, he was talking to or seeing a new girl. Not to mention the women he had slept with..forget about it! He was fresh from a divorce, didn't want to have anything to do with anything or anyone that could ''tie him down'' , irresponsible, and ultimately, he was, to be blunt -a man child of the worst sort.  Total heartbreaker. What happened to this guy, you may ask? Well - he became my husband.  Yes, I married a former player.

Now, why was he a player in the first place? I think answering your questions will help you understand the mindset of men who are ''players'' in a more general sense. In my husband's case, he was a player mainly because he was fresh from a divorce in which his ex wife regrettably wasn't very loyal to him. He felt like he had failed as a husband, and as a man. HE felt like he wasn't a strong, capable, virile man, and all men absolutely need this in order for any marriage to survive. Because he essentially felt useless as a husband, he filed for divorce and started dating/sleeping with women almost immediately. Why? Because he wanted to feel like a man again, he wanted to feel free, and like he still ''had it.''  He was also trying with all of his might not to get involved with anyone too seriously so that no woman would ever have that kind of power over him again. Shortly afterwards, he met me, and let's just say, he was done playing..

The mindset of the player, in general, works very much the same way. Yes, you hit the nail on the head that in the back of their minds, most players have very low self esteem, but it also goes deeper than that. I believe that deep down inside, players are actually the most sensitive of all ''types,'' but the difference between them and a ''normal'' guy is that they've been disappointed, betrayed, or otherwise hurt one too many times. So, they shut down emotionally and decide to strip themselves of any sense of romantic feelings - sort of like a snake shedding its skin.  What's left is just the hard outer shell, which is why they can get involved with one woman after another after another, there's no true emotional connection there - just mainly a sexual one. In other words, their ''love switch'' has not been turned on for any of these women, why is why he can go out and meet a different woman every night - he's just not emotionally invested.  This can be for a myriad of reasons: he's trying to keep himself from getting hurt again, he can't handle the emotional depth of a relationship, he still wants to prove to himself that he can have any woman he wants, the list goes on and on.
It's also worth noting, Holly, that one reason so many men have trouble committing in the first place is all men, whether they choose to admit it or not, have the same sexual fantasy - and that fantasy is that in their own little world, they're an absolute sex symbol, with every woman wanting him, and him having sex with all the women he wants. For players, this is their way of living out that fantasy (though for most men, it's just that - a fantasy.) Again, it's a testament to his manhood and virility.

This friend of yours, let me just say -although he appears happy in his current state of living -is anything but. No man, and I mean no man, is actually happy going from woman to woman to woman with such inconsistency and no direction. Anyone who tells you otherwise is either in denial or is plain lying. Men want to find that one special woman as much as we women want to find want to find that special man. Your friend is just no in a place emotionally, at all, to handle a real relationship, and my heart truly goes out to you and everyone else he might have hurt. But my bet is truly on the fact that while he's out having fun now, one day this Peter Pan will leave Neverland. ;)

I hope this answers your question Holly, and if you have any more questions, I'd be more than happy to hear from you. :)



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