Expert: David Simonsen - 2/3/2008

Question
Hi David,
I'm in a loving relationship with my boyfriend of 1 1/2 years (we were friends
for a few years before). He has given me a beautiful promise ring and up until
a few weeks ago I was 100% sure that I wanted to marry him. We are so
compatible and I truly believed he was my soulmate. Recently, however, we've
been fighting a lot more, we don't have sex as often (and we used to SOOO
much) and I feel kind of numb about our relationship. Our parents like each
other, his love me and mind love him. He tells me how he couldn't live
without me and I used to feel the same until recently.

A few weeks ago, my ex-boyfriend from 3 years ago started talking to me
again (he is in a relationship as well). He broke up with me because he was
confused and broke my heart. We connect in so many ways and he has always
had a part of my heart. We've had on/off contact throughout the years. So
recently, he told me that he misses me and asked me if I thought if we were
together in a previous life. He asked me if I wanted him to break up with his
girlfriend. I said no - that's a bit ridiculous. We decided it's best not to talk on  
a regular basis so things don't get out of hand. There's one big problem: my
parents really don't like him (they broke his daughter's heart so that's fair).
Even though I'm an adult it is very important that they like the many I marry.

What do I do about this situation? Is the previous boyfriend fogging my mind
of how I feel about my current boyfriend? Or have I really fallen out of love
with him? I don't want to hurt him. We have so many mutual friends and I
don't want to be the bad guy here. The decision I make will affect the rest of
my life so that is why I need your advice! Please help.

Answer
It seems like there may be a couple of things going on here. First off it is good rule of thumb to never continue relationships with previous significant others. It becomes too tempting to go back to them or share things with them when you are struggling in your current relationship. So cut ALL contact off with the person and in the future if you wish to stay married.
I believe there are many things clouding the current relationship. You say you were friends and then you added a bunch of stuff. Sex, commitment etc...I would suggest the following: cut out the sex and see what happens. If you are committed to marry one another then cutting out the sex will not be a problem. Cutting it out allows you to see other areas that may be clouded by the intimacy issues. I am also not clear on what the promise ring means. Is that a pre-engagement ring? If you decide to marry I strongly suggest that you do pre-marital counseling to get through any struggles you have now so they don't get bigger when you marry.
David
www.help4life.net