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How to Know if You`re Really in Love/Loving 2 people...what should I do


Hello, In 2001 I had an affair with a married women (we will call her Sandra) and I was also married at that time. I left my wife with the intent of being with the Sandra. She decided that she was going to give her husband one more chance. I had fallen in love with her and it hurt me very much that she didn't want to get serious at that time. So I did the "singles" thing for awhile and in 2002 I met Linda, Within 2 months me and Linda got married and within 1 month of marriage Linda got pregnant with our Daughter. Well 1 month into the pregnacy I recieved a call from Sandra that she had split with her husband and still never forgot about me. I had an another affair with Sandra while Linda was pregnant ( I know what a very bad thing to do and I am not proud of it ) Sandra had a guilty consense and she broke it off the affair.  Sandra is a very hard working women who keeps her home clean, a very good mother to her children, a great cook and the best lover I have ever had in my 46 years of life. Linda is the exact opposite. and it took me a few years to figure it out. She works one day a week. My home is always a mess and I do most of the cooking, All of the shopping and get to pay all the bills. Plus I get to pay for her child from an x that doesnt pay support. As far as sex it is medioca and is all but non-exsistent. But one thing about Linda is that I know she is very faithful and I have never been as secure as far as faithfulness goes with anyone else. But the lack of passion and affection in our marriage is destroying our relationship. Sandra on the other hand was affectionate. She is basiclly everything Linda isn't. December 2010 Linda got pregnant again and much to surprise I found out that Sandra still has strong feelings for me. And even though I am with Linda I still have very very strong feelings for Sandra. If Linda wasn't pregnant I would have left already. In fact in November 2010 I had it in my mind that I was going to leave her in January 2011 after the December holidays. But now that she is pregnant I am still here in my own personel hell.

Me and Linda have talked about our problems but she thinks my needs are rediculas. The more distant me and Linda get the more I think about Sandra. If Sandra tells me to my face that she still loves me...even after not seeing me for years. I think I might leave Linda, my child and unborn child. In a perfect world I wish I could combine them and have the perfect women for me. In my mind I really want to be with Sandra, but how do I tell Linda that I love her but also love Sandra. I feel like my destiny is to be with Sandra but I have a hard time hurting people but yet I feel like my life is passing by and not being happy is a waste of a life. Please any advice would help. Thank you for taking the time to read my problems.

Love Again ~ Creating Relationships Without Blame
Love Again ~ Creating  
Dear Kenny,

If you don't want to live your life in your own personal "hell," but also don't want to feel trapped, guilty or that life is passing you by, you might tell Linda that although she thinks your needs are ridiculous, they are your needs and they're not going away.  If the two of you are going to give this marriage a chance, even if she doesn't want to, she may need to make the choice of going to counseling, or you will leave.  And then, in counseling, you will see if you can create a good relationship that will make it less painful to not be with Sandra.  If you can't, then you will feel more free to leave.  And, if she isn't willing to go to counseling and work on herself and the relationship, then you'll know you're probably with the wrong person.

Good luck to you!
Jan Harrell, PhD
Author:  Personal Strength ~ Spiritual Joy:  Bridging Heaven and Earth.
         Love Again ~ Creating Relationships Without Blame

How to Know if You`re Really in Love

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Jan Harrell, PhD


I believe I can address any questions and concerns a person might have.


I have been a clinical psychologist for 32 years. I co-authored a book on relationships, Love Again ~ Creating Relationships Without Blame, with my husband of 40 years, who is also a psychologist. I have taught at UCLA and at Southern Oregon University. I was the psychology columnist for the magazine, Make You Happen! for 1 1/2 years.

I have a doctorate in Counseling Psychology from the University of Southern California.

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