How to Know if You`re Really in Love/i need your help


I need advice on this situation sir. I have a fiance, who I love, am in love with and vice versa. I am bothered because she is not that affectionate with me. Here is the reason why. She told me she was very affectionate in one of her past relationships. But after him, she stopped being that way.

The reason it bothers me is because maybe a year or so after dating him, she has a facebook post/note titled 25 things about me. She stated that she had one true love where loving him was effortless, and she fears that she will never be able to give her heart fully or love a person the way she loved him. now mind you this was years before me.

but sometimes i cant help but think of that when she isnt affectionate. i dont require someone to be all over me, and all lovey dovey 100 % of the time, but I notice that i am typically always the one to initiate any affection. I just really feel like she still has a guard up with me, and that her words are true.

our relationship ive noticed has a lot to do with me putting a lot more effort into a great deal of our issues than she does it seems, im always the one planning, and romancing etc. im afraid because i really dont think shes that into me. im afraid of being in one of those relationships that the woman look to find a man that loves her more than she loves him. please help! thank you!

Hi, Jeremy,

How are you? Peaceful, I hope. Tell me if you're not. I can try to help with that.

You took a big step in writing me. It takes courage to announce your concerns of the heart. Congratulations, and Spirit & Karma Points to ya.

Your girlfriend--and I know she is your fiance--is putting up a big red flag. Personally, though she may be doing this for both of you, it seems to me to be a very selfish act. I would be hurt and embarrassed if the girl I was dating and who planned to marry me (or at least said so), had a statement on Facebook for her friends to see--which essentially said, I don't 'love my boyfriend as much as my ex'. And that is what it says, Jeremy, in effect. Right?

You can slake this off and just be a better man to yourself, by not letting it phase you and by making her communicate needs or greivances--rather than treating her to a nurturing conversation where-in you do the initial work, and by not giving so much affection to her, and more to yourself--since you are the one lacking attention and proper respect. Or you can do what I'd said and ask her about it, but she is communicating loud and clear, in my opinion, and you're trying to "take the bull by the horns" first will just have you looking weak, perhaps. But maybe you don't care about impressing her at this point.

Stop being so affectionate and initiating--essentially being the nurturer and the giver, and stop letting her be the receiver. Certainly stop being her daddy, and begin being your own, guiding yourself to better self-care, and then in the absence of your overshining light, she should come searching more for that light. If she does not--and if that message on FB is public (or if her ex is still privy to it by way of FB friendship status)--then you'll know if her behavior was to bring out improvement from you, or a signal to "him" and the world. And I think that either way, she is being ignorantly (and thus not so culpably) or consciously rude to you.

Now, you might wonder why I didn't say, 'talk to her about this', which would have been my old style. The reason is that this will likely bring defensiveness and an argument and make you look like you react to her immaturity, rather than tolerate weakness, show acceptance, and lack strength and leadership. If you DO think she has done this to spark change in you, you COULD ask her once; 'Is there anything you would like to talk about?' and then you listen only; completely, and thoroughly--and say nothing but, 'I see, Darling' (or whatever), and then you go and determine if it has anything to do with her lack of affection and this damaging message on FB.

Jeremy, I don't want you to get mad at her, because she could see that as a display of jealousy, but what she has done is a sign of a lack of love, respect, and loyalty--and in the least, it is a very manipilative and embarrassing means of communication and control. 

Now, if you are not inclined to pull back from her and give her time to feel for you--and you don't really care about losing her, go and ask her straight away about this message, but you say you love her. Now we need to determine whether she loves you--rightly. But I doubt it, I am
sorry to say.

If still you think talking--in a non-confrontational way--is best, be gentle, firm on how wrong it is (what she's done), and listen more than you talk. But I suggest you do this when you are both sober, peaceful, and unaffected by any drug or medication, and out-of-doors, in a park or plaza, so no thatrics can occur.

Be prepared to walk away and not turn around, as she may deal you a heavy blow.

Let me know what you think.


Wishing you Peace, Love, Joy, and Patience,

Carmine "Carl" Atteniese Jr.

How to Know if You`re Really in Love

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Mando (Carl Atteniese Jr.)


I've read, thought, written, and taught about love for over eleven years. I've had thoughtful love-oriented relationships only--for about twenty-eight years. I struggle endlessly to be a supremely thoughtful, compassionate, fair, and empirical thinker. This is crucial. I believe in the feeling and process of love. This is also crucial. As an artist, a poet, and an essayist--as a teacher of ESL in other cultures--I have had ample opportunity for the analysis of love... personally and inter-culturally, and this has made my introspection and analysis of relationships--with original ideas and those of my favorite psychotherapists--very fruitful. I will tell you three things, which will help you now--before you even write to me: To have true love in yourself and with another, you must: 1. Be Free. 2. Be Adult. 3. Be Honest. 4. Be Disciplined. 5. Find numbers 3~5 easy, because you are overcome with love. 6. Be willing to do virtually anything reasonable (and many things unreasonable from the point of view of others).7. Never settle (in other words, be with someone you do not love), thinking that you will grow into love. 8. Never take a match made by another; your heart and mind must choose your love--period. 9. Never allow yourself to be put into temptation--ever (this is also natural--if you are in love). 10. Be able to listen like you never listened before--to yourself and to your beloved. 11. Love humanity--both the conditions & qualities, and all people.


I've been fortunate to have helped many people around the world and I love to do it. I will be happy to help you, too--no matter whom you are. If I am busy or unable to help you right away, consider these books to help you help yourself--until I can respond: "Being Happy", by Andrew Mathews; any books by Dr. Wayne Dyer; "The Art of Loving", by Dr. Erich Fromm; "Love", by Leo Buscaglia, "True Love", and "Anger", both by Thich Nhat Hanh. Also Read "The Beloved" and "The Prophet", both by Khalil Gibran. Read "The Road Less Traveled" and "People of The Lie", both by Dr. M. Scott Peck.... Learn more about me at

Amnesty International Partner of Conscience (, Union of Concerned Scientists ( and (htp://

Korea Herald (, New York Newsday, The Planetary Review, The Long Island Catholic, Wake Up And Laugh (, The Ocean And The Stars (, Cradle of The Universe (

Certificates in recognizing violence in the home and child abuse, in preventing violence in school. Raised with an emphasis on loving all people and to be politically active. Studied Zen at Hwa Gye Sa Temple, Han Maum Zen & Culture Center, and The Buddhist English Library of Seoul, in South Korea. Taught seventeen years in the US and South Korea. Teacher Training in the U.S. at Berlitz and the Center for English Studies, NYC, and at Inlingua, Princeton. Studied Drawing, Photography, and Painting at the School of Visual Arts, NYC, and basic Psychology at Nassau Community College, Long Island. Fifteen years of experience teaching English as a Second language--many of those years abroad--has helped as well, as people from other cultures help us see ourselves and other human beings in a different light.

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My reward is knowing I have helped people.

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I have taught and counseled people of all ages, experience-levels, professions and religions, and consider myself lucky to have had the opportunity and thankful to those who have shared with me. Every such interaction is a learning experience, and an opportunity for growth and improvement.

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