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How to Know if You`re Really in Love/Am I just bitter? Or am I not in love with him anymore?


I've been dating someone I really care about for 5 years. I was enamored with him when we first started dating. There were small amounts of jealousy but we are a young couple. About a year into the relationship I started finding messages that he was sending to other women his age. Sexual messages via facebook and myspace. I broke down, we broke up...then I took him back and gave him another chance. Well...3 chances more later I find out he is on a website called teenspot. He is posing as an 18yr old boy(fake name and everything) and talking to teenage girls. He was 24-25 at the time.
That was it for me. We broke up for what I thought was going to be for good. I changed my phone number, moved in with my parents. All that. I didn't talk to him for a long while. Long story short, we end up speaking again...I go head over heels and want to try everything again and he promises he's done. (He went to counseling to get help for whatever problem he was having. I don't know what to call it. A sexual addiction maybe?)
We have been together ever since, but it's just not the same. I have buried myself in many other things (I've become a dog trainer, I work all the time, and I've been trying to finish school for Veterinary Technology) and he says he feels neglected, which I understand.
But we don't have sex hardly anymore (I just don't ever want to, at all, with anyone...I don't even fantasize about other people)
I find myself short with him sometimes when i shouldn't be, like I'm just looking for a reason to be angry.
He hasn't been unfaithful since we got back together over 2 years ago, but I almost always feel like he is. He is my best friend, and I know that I love him...but am I in love with him still? Or is my bitterness just getting in my way of being able to love him?

Like I said, I bury myself in work, training, and school. I do find time for him and we try and make dates but maybe not as often as i should. He got very serious about being jealous of the dog the other day. Jealous of the dog...

Hi, Rose,

How are you RIGHT NOW? I hope and entrust that you are feeling SOME peace, since you took the very courageous step of writing about your relationship. Help is on the way.

You are a very a special woman, to surrender to love as you have. Congratulations!

The problem is your inner sense has become more keen now--now that there is no challenge, anymore, and perhaps you have him where you had wanted him? Look (please; gently, I say to you): you were justified in dumping your boyfriend when you had. Sexual addiction is a big challenge--if he had the condition--but we are not mere animals. In terms of loving someone, he could have had his sex sith YOU (couldn't he have?); his bigger two problems were, he didn't love you enough, and he didn't know HOW to love you. One rule in love is complete, voluntary faithfulness. He NEVER should have been on a networking site. 

I empathize with you. I think someone in my life may have had this addiction (which worsens in sexually charged cultures where unfaithfulness is condoned in action if not in word because of restrictions on whom one can love due to xenophobia).

I'm sorry for getting off topic, but above I had wanted to ask if you were too easy when he was unfaithful, and whether he was just exploring with you, and not serious. Obviously, or he just didn't respect you because you were--as the Koreans say- as sure as the air. However, DO NOT think I take his side. I do not. What he was doing--as I suggested--in love, in a serious relationship--is virtually unforgivable, and in my opinion, anti-social behavior; his problems did seem
psychological... But you forgave him. You're an angel...

NOW, it seems he's changed (has he?). You seem to be the one uninterested, now. Well, those memories are very unromantic, unflattering, unkind, painful, and don't do much for your story. 

You are afraid of getting hurt, again. Your ego, protective of yourself, says to your heart-mind, "We've got him, so let's keep him by not giving in too much. After all, it seems he likes the chase (or used too [That's me, Carl, injecting that, Rose], so let's keep him panting like the dogs I train. Don't want to relive THAT horror of a nightmarish betyrayal and heartbreak, again!'

But now you're hurting HIM. Well, maybe a little schooling for the once heartless casanova who made you cry is what the doctor ordered, but if there's no recess, he'll likely drop out, Teacher Rose.

Have a talk with him. 

Let me know what you think his reaction will be. And ask yourself if you love him, anymore. IS THIS fear? Or, is the love gone.  

I BELIEVE love is fostered. That's how the honeymoon continues. Also, realize, the less we have sex, the more we fall out of love. You have to make love to keep it.

Let me know what you feel.and think.

How to Know if You`re Really in Love

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Mando (Carl Atteniese Jr.)


I've read, thought, written, and taught about love for over eleven years. I've had thoughtful love-oriented relationships only--for about twenty-eight years. I struggle endlessly to be a supremely thoughtful, compassionate, fair, and empirical thinker. This is crucial. I believe in the feeling and process of love. This is also crucial. As an artist, a poet, and an essayist--as a teacher of ESL in other cultures--I have had ample opportunity for the analysis of love... personally and inter-culturally, and this has made my introspection and analysis of relationships--with original ideas and those of my favorite psychotherapists--very fruitful. I will tell you three things, which will help you now--before you even write to me: To have true love in yourself and with another, you must: 1. Be Free. 2. Be Adult. 3. Be Honest. 4. Be Disciplined. 5. Find numbers 3~5 easy, because you are overcome with love. 6. Be willing to do virtually anything reasonable (and many things unreasonable from the point of view of others).7. Never settle (in other words, be with someone you do not love), thinking that you will grow into love. 8. Never take a match made by another; your heart and mind must choose your love--period. 9. Never allow yourself to be put into temptation--ever (this is also natural--if you are in love). 10. Be able to listen like you never listened before--to yourself and to your beloved. 11. Love humanity--both the conditions & qualities, and all people.


I've been fortunate to have helped many people around the world and I love to do it. I will be happy to help you, too--no matter whom you are. If I am busy or unable to help you right away, consider these books to help you help yourself--until I can respond: "Being Happy", by Andrew Mathews; any books by Dr. Wayne Dyer; "The Art of Loving", by Dr. Erich Fromm; "Love", by Leo Buscaglia, "True Love", and "Anger", both by Thich Nhat Hanh. Also Read "The Beloved" and "The Prophet", both by Khalil Gibran. Read "The Road Less Traveled" and "People of The Lie", both by Dr. M. Scott Peck.... Learn more about me at

Amnesty International Partner of Conscience (, Union of Concerned Scientists ( and (htp://

Korea Herald (, New York Newsday, The Planetary Review, The Long Island Catholic, Wake Up And Laugh (, The Ocean And The Stars (, Cradle of The Universe (

Certificates in recognizing violence in the home and child abuse, in preventing violence in school. Raised with an emphasis on loving all people and to be politically active. Studied Zen at Hwa Gye Sa Temple, Han Maum Zen & Culture Center, and The Buddhist English Library of Seoul, in South Korea. Taught seventeen years in the US and South Korea. Teacher Training in the U.S. at Berlitz and the Center for English Studies, NYC, and at Inlingua, Princeton. Studied Drawing, Photography, and Painting at the School of Visual Arts, NYC, and basic Psychology at Nassau Community College, Long Island. Fifteen years of experience teaching English as a Second language--many of those years abroad--has helped as well, as people from other cultures help us see ourselves and other human beings in a different light.

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My reward is knowing I have helped people.

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I have taught and counseled people of all ages, experience-levels, professions and religions, and consider myself lucky to have had the opportunity and thankful to those who have shared with me. Every such interaction is a learning experience, and an opportunity for growth and improvement.

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