How to Know if You`re Really in Love/what is the feeling?



You recently posted a question to Abhijeet in category How to Know if You`re Really in Love:

Greetings, thank you for taking the time to answer my question and giving me some advice.

Well you see, I have never had problems with relationships. By the way I am a 22 year old male. I started the dating era since the age of 16. I have never been a shy or a quiet person. I am really outgoing and I get a long with everyone. The past girlfriends that I had was never a true relationship,  it was more like a crush than anything. Broke up with them like in a 2 months or so. I never felt that "spark" . And yes I am still a virgin, by choice. I want to lose it with the perfect girl that i am going to marry and have kids with. Since last year there was this girl that was introduced to me out of nowhere, the first time I saw her I just went blank!. All of her was perfect in my eyes. For the first time I was shy and quiet around here. I started to feel feelings that I have never been felt before. Shyness, calm, quietness,  stuttering,  anything that makes you look like a stupid person I was around her. I try my best to stay away from here when I found out there was no way possible I could have feeling for her. Why you may ask? Well, she is too young for me! At this time she is 15 and I am 22. Big difference. The thing is that a year ago till now I wonder why I cant get her out of my mind. Everytime I try to hide and avoid her. There is always something or somewhere we see each other. All last year I took her out to places with other friends. The movies, eating, fishing, everything fun. Her Mom was ok with it because she has so much trust in me. I am one of those people you can trust I say. I have been alone with her in a house in a room for overnight and I will never even think of thought of doing anything to her. I just love her company and one side it feels wrong the feelings I feel for her and the other side it just feels............ I dont even know how to explain it to you. It just feels right. The things that annoys me the most is that trying to find something negative about her that will make me un like her. But nothing is!!! She is very mature for her age. I dont really know what kind of love is. For example,  please correct me if im wrong. I sometimes take care of 2 little 9 year old girls during the weekend and I love them sooo much. They make me smile and I just like protecting them and taking care of them.  I like taking them places and doing fun activities. Im just a person that loves to hang out with people that dont judge me. I am a very Pacifist person. And I dont really know if I feel the same thing for the older girl. I am confused. The is just something different when I am around with her. So what advice can you give to forget this girl? Or can you explain my feelings or what I should do? Please. Thank you very much and have a wonderful day!


Thank you for writing. It takes character, honesty, courage, and a willingness to expose your feelings to do the right things. That means --  as far as I can tell -- you are a thoughtful man and possibly, quite a good one. If you speak the truth -- and I have thus far no reason to believe otherwise -- you are also a moral and strong man. So far, so good.

Finally, from how you conduct yourself among women, I can see you are principled. You also do not seem to lack self-effacing capabilities, so you must be self-correcting, and you seem to have your own way, or philosophy which includes sexual morality and pacifism. Congratulations; you are a great man!

In trying to forget a person you love, I see no wisdom, however. Why not date the girl of your affections, but make sure you do not become partners in intercourse? Wait, on that. You are a man of strength, so I think you can do it.

Otherwise, date a girl of legal age and see how it feels; you could start with a friend.

Let me know how you feel about all this.  

How to Know if You`re Really in Love

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Mando (Carl Atteniese Jr.)


I've read, thought, written, and taught about love for over eleven years. I've had thoughtful love-oriented relationships only--for about twenty-eight years. I struggle endlessly to be a supremely thoughtful, compassionate, fair, and empirical thinker. This is crucial. I believe in the feeling and process of love. This is also crucial. As an artist, a poet, and an essayist--as a teacher of ESL in other cultures--I have had ample opportunity for the analysis of love... personally and inter-culturally, and this has made my introspection and analysis of relationships--with original ideas and those of my favorite psychotherapists--very fruitful. I will tell you three things, which will help you now--before you even write to me: To have true love in yourself and with another, you must: 1. Be Free. 2. Be Adult. 3. Be Honest. 4. Be Disciplined. 5. Find numbers 3~5 easy, because you are overcome with love. 6. Be willing to do virtually anything reasonable (and many things unreasonable from the point of view of others).7. Never settle (in other words, be with someone you do not love), thinking that you will grow into love. 8. Never take a match made by another; your heart and mind must choose your love--period. 9. Never allow yourself to be put into temptation--ever (this is also natural--if you are in love). 10. Be able to listen like you never listened before--to yourself and to your beloved. 11. Love humanity--both the conditions & qualities, and all people.


I've been fortunate to have helped many people around the world and I love to do it. I will be happy to help you, too--no matter whom you are. If I am busy or unable to help you right away, consider these books to help you help yourself--until I can respond: "Being Happy", by Andrew Mathews; any books by Dr. Wayne Dyer; "The Art of Loving", by Dr. Erich Fromm; "Love", by Leo Buscaglia, "True Love", and "Anger", both by Thich Nhat Hanh. Also Read "The Beloved" and "The Prophet", both by Khalil Gibran. Read "The Road Less Traveled" and "People of The Lie", both by Dr. M. Scott Peck.... Learn more about me at

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Certificates in recognizing violence in the home and child abuse, in preventing violence in school. Raised with an emphasis on loving all people and to be politically active. Studied Zen at Hwa Gye Sa Temple, Han Maum Zen & Culture Center, and The Buddhist English Library of Seoul, in South Korea. Taught seventeen years in the US and South Korea. Teacher Training in the U.S. at Berlitz and the Center for English Studies, NYC, and at Inlingua, Princeton. Studied Drawing, Photography, and Painting at the School of Visual Arts, NYC, and basic Psychology at Nassau Community College, Long Island. Fifteen years of experience teaching English as a Second language--many of those years abroad--has helped as well, as people from other cultures help us see ourselves and other human beings in a different light.

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