How to Know if You`re Really in Love/Mad Love for girl in school


QUESTION: Okay ,so I've been on and off obsessing about this girl from my school. When we first met she was a sophomore and I was a junior. So, now she's Junior and I'm a senior. We first met in a subway both headed home. And I said hi there, and she said hi. I asked he what her name was and she said her name was Chelsea. I said my name is Maven. So, I was thinking about her day in and day out. She was so dreamy. To mostly girls and some guys she wasn't all that like she's not the type girl you would say is most popular or sexiest girl in school but she was so so pretty/cute. I always had the logic to be a little feminine with my approach with girls. I'm not gay btw I'm Asexual or you could say I'm on the verge of converting to a full asexual. I feel like I love this girl. I add her on facebook and I add her on instagram. But I felt I love her so much I just kept it sealed and visited her everyday in class to give her a hug as our classes were right across from each other during 4-5 period. SO, I once approached her saying Hello cutie, how are you? I said it in a soft tone kinda mixed wit my regular voice and a bit of a higher pitch with a little robotic sound to it to not seem so gay ya know. She said "fine". The thing was she never asked back about me. Like we were walking down to the subway instead of taking the bus to it and I was talking but it didn't seem she was listening and she said she was but she was walking kind of fast but not to where it look liked she wanted to run away but I kept up to pace. I was talking but never did she ask back about me. She so so cute and I want nobody but her. I asked her out 2-3 weeks later after we first met and she said she's not ready yet. I usually take this as a BS way to keep you the man quiet but when I look back to that exact moment she seems sincere. I feel I really love this girl and want nobody but her. I plan to go to college to be a nurse but I want her to be by my side forever as I succeed or plummet in life.

ANSWER: Dear Robert,

Peace, Love, Joy, and Imagination to you and yours... sincerely...

Thank you for writing. It takes character, honesty, courage, and a willingness to expose your feelings to do the right things. That means --  as far as I can tell -- you are a thoughtful man.

Before we continue, I must ask you eight (8) questions. Please answer as honestly as you can, and without self-conscience or shame:

1. What do YOU mean by asexual (It matters little what I THINK you mean by this, myself beyond 'not wanting to have sex' or 'being un-inclined toward intercourse'.  What matters is, what YOU MEAN by this, PRECISELY#?

2. If you are asexual, how do you find her "cute" and think that this determination is not an aspect of sexual attraction #unless you are strictly referring to her personality in a platonic way#?

3. Is she asexual?

4. If she is not asexual, how will you two have a life-long relationship?

5. What kind of relationship do you want with her?

6. You gave great detail about how you affected your speaking voice around this girl; Why don't you speak in your normal voice #Asians often affect their voice [predominately -- but not only -- the women do this in Korea, Japan...]#?

7. If your name is Robert, why did you tell this girl your name is 'Maven'?

8. Why don't you just be yourself #you said you were going to "convert" to being asexual; Since when do people "convert" to a sexual orientation; sexual orientation is a natural predisposition#?

Unless I have misunderstood you in any way, I must ask you to consider therapy. It is a wonderfully courageous and helpful way to explore oneself -- for all human beings.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: When I find her cute, I don't think it's sexual. I don't have any intention or desire whatsoever to be sexually active. I find me describing her pretty to be more wither emotional or physical. But not sexual. I said my name was Maven because lots of girls tend to play you then when you keep going they get mad and want to get a dude on your head and that way my real name disguised. I wanted a regular BF-GF relationship with her. I heard that asexuals can give sex for their partners enjoyment but feel nothing. So, I could do that as a favor. No, she's not asexual.

Dear Robert,

How are you?

I am sorry I am only seeing this, now. I have been very busy with family, and had my computer repaired so I can use it, again, finally.

Love is about caring for what your partner wants which is healthy for him or her. I don't think anyone in the world -- except unhealthy people -- wants to have a love relationship with someone who is not intimately interested in enjoying love-making with him or her. I don't suppose you have thought of this? What I am talking about is, your mentioning -- as good-hearted and considerate as it may be -- you could have sex with a partner as a favor. That kind of thing is necessary sometimes, in a relationship, as in when we don't feel like having sex with all of our being, but we perform out of compassion toward our partner, SOMETIMES. However, a relationship cannot sustain itself that way. Eventually one or the other person will begin to feel a sustained dissatisfaction, I think (I am theorizing, mind you).

Next, are you sure (pardon me) that your calling this girl cute is not in some way a symptom of your physical attraction to her; are you sure that an unconscious element of your mind is not attempting to be pure and wholesome in this claim to have no sexual attraction to her? Some people can exhibit latent sexual tendencies that manifest in a particular sexual polarity, later on.

Anyway, if you like her, begin a conversation with her, exploring both of your personalities for similar interests, character-types, spiritual, intellectual, and philosophical afinity. Don't say too much at once, but be honest at all times.  

Frankly speaking, this is all starting out the wrong way. You cannot really have more than a friendship with people you are not attracted to, so she has to know you are not sexually attracted to her -- if you are sure that is true. If she is a normal girl, she won't want a "relationship" with someone not sexually interested in her, in my humble, non-clinical opinion.

Finally, don't use false names. Relationships -- when healthy -- are built on complete and total honesty.

How to Know if You`re Really in Love

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Mando (Carl Atteniese Jr.)


I've read, thought, written, and taught about love for over eleven years. I've had thoughtful love-oriented relationships only--for about twenty-eight years. I struggle endlessly to be a supremely thoughtful, compassionate, fair, and empirical thinker. This is crucial. I believe in the feeling and process of love. This is also crucial. As an artist, a poet, and an essayist--as a teacher of ESL in other cultures--I have had ample opportunity for the analysis of love... personally and inter-culturally, and this has made my introspection and analysis of relationships--with original ideas and those of my favorite psychotherapists--very fruitful. I will tell you three things, which will help you now--before you even write to me: To have true love in yourself and with another, you must: 1. Be Free. 2. Be Adult. 3. Be Honest. 4. Be Disciplined. 5. Find numbers 3~5 easy, because you are overcome with love. 6. Be willing to do virtually anything reasonable (and many things unreasonable from the point of view of others).7. Never settle (in other words, be with someone you do not love), thinking that you will grow into love. 8. Never take a match made by another; your heart and mind must choose your love--period. 9. Never allow yourself to be put into temptation--ever (this is also natural--if you are in love). 10. Be able to listen like you never listened before--to yourself and to your beloved. 11. Love humanity--both the conditions & qualities, and all people.


I've been fortunate to have helped many people around the world and I love to do it. I will be happy to help you, too--no matter whom you are. If I am busy or unable to help you right away, consider these books to help you help yourself--until I can respond: "Being Happy", by Andrew Mathews; any books by Dr. Wayne Dyer; "The Art of Loving", by Dr. Erich Fromm; "Love", by Leo Buscaglia, "True Love", and "Anger", both by Thich Nhat Hanh. Also Read "The Beloved" and "The Prophet", both by Khalil Gibran. Read "The Road Less Traveled" and "People of The Lie", both by Dr. M. Scott Peck.... Learn more about me at

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Certificates in recognizing violence in the home and child abuse, in preventing violence in school. Raised with an emphasis on loving all people and to be politically active. Studied Zen at Hwa Gye Sa Temple, Han Maum Zen & Culture Center, and The Buddhist English Library of Seoul, in South Korea. Taught seventeen years in the US and South Korea. Teacher Training in the U.S. at Berlitz and the Center for English Studies, NYC, and at Inlingua, Princeton. Studied Drawing, Photography, and Painting at the School of Visual Arts, NYC, and basic Psychology at Nassau Community College, Long Island. Fifteen years of experience teaching English as a Second language--many of those years abroad--has helped as well, as people from other cultures help us see ourselves and other human beings in a different light.

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