How to Know if You`re Really in Love/Marriage confusion.


QUESTION: Hi I hope you can help I'm having a major dilemma at the moment, basically  me and my fiancée are looking into booking our wedding yet I'm confused if I want this.

Me and my partner have been together since we were 18 about five years now and it has been great and difficult time. We are each other's first real partners And lost our virginity to one another. To begin with it was a long distance relationship up until a year ago, I cheated on her never had sex with this other women but it got intimate, my girlfriend found out and also found out that I had made another Facebook account and read the messages I had sent to her, I regret this more than anything I have done before, so after this I moved to her and currently live with her parents, which I really hate they are lovely people but I hate it. We have been discussing booking our wedding venue and I'm really confused if I want to carry on this relationship is it just nerves or more. I love my partner and the thought of her never being in my life makes me scared and upset but is it the right thing to do, do I love her or am I just scared of change and hurting her again?

The Hiighway
The Hiighway  

Thank you for writing. It makes the world a better place, when we can look constructively at ourselves, and it makes things better for us and those we care about.

I would wait on the marriage.

You aren't sure whether you will cheat, again.

You aren't sure about living so close to her family.

You aren't sure whether you want to carry on with this person.

All these things will be certain in you--at the right time, and you'll have no doubts when it is time to marry.

Most serious, you are not sure whether you love her.

Have I heard you, correctly?

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Sort of I'm certain I won't cheat again I would never want to put anyone through that , I love being with my partner just not at her parents and I find it hard living away from my family, but  yes I'm insure if I'm doing the right thing ,  I do love her but I don't know if it's going to work

We argue over a lot more than we did, our sex life has diminished she has said that sometimes all she can picture is me and the other woman and that puts her of f which is understandable,

I just don't want to marry her and then be divorced a fews years Down the line and I could of saved us both the trouble sooner but I don't want to say I don't want to book it and the lose the relationship I'm do confuded

Finding Peace and Clarity
Finding Peace and Clar  


You sound like a caring man.

Do the hard work now--in accordance with what you are unsure about;

Take a little holiday and let peace overcome you--and her;

In that time all will become completely clear to you--with no doubt.

I know; I have had break-ups many times in my life--and the time apart makes it really clear whether you wish to remain with that person.

You are telling me that you are still unsure; as you know, Mate, you do not want to enter into "until death do us part", in that frame of mind.  

How to Know if You`re Really in Love

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Mando (Carl Atteniese Jr.)


I've read, thought, written, and taught about love for over eleven years. I've had thoughtful love-oriented relationships only--for about twenty-eight years. I struggle endlessly to be a supremely thoughtful, compassionate, fair, and empirical thinker. This is crucial. I believe in the feeling and process of love. This is also crucial. As an artist, a poet, and an essayist--as a teacher of ESL in other cultures--I have had ample opportunity for the analysis of love... personally and inter-culturally, and this has made my introspection and analysis of relationships--with original ideas and those of my favorite psychotherapists--very fruitful. I will tell you three things, which will help you now--before you even write to me: To have true love in yourself and with another, you must: 1. Be Free. 2. Be Adult. 3. Be Honest. 4. Be Disciplined. 5. Find numbers 3~5 easy, because you are overcome with love. 6. Be willing to do virtually anything reasonable (and many things unreasonable from the point of view of others).7. Never settle (in other words, be with someone you do not love), thinking that you will grow into love. 8. Never take a match made by another; your heart and mind must choose your love--period. 9. Never allow yourself to be put into temptation--ever (this is also natural--if you are in love). 10. Be able to listen like you never listened before--to yourself and to your beloved. 11. Love humanity--both the conditions & qualities, and all people.


I've been fortunate to have helped many people around the world and I love to do it. I will be happy to help you, too--no matter whom you are. If I am busy or unable to help you right away, consider these books to help you help yourself--until I can respond: "Being Happy", by Andrew Mathews; any books by Dr. Wayne Dyer; "The Art of Loving", by Dr. Erich Fromm; "Love", by Leo Buscaglia, "True Love", and "Anger", both by Thich Nhat Hanh. Also Read "The Beloved" and "The Prophet", both by Khalil Gibran. Read "The Road Less Traveled" and "People of The Lie", both by Dr. M. Scott Peck.... Learn more about me at

Amnesty International Partner of Conscience (, Union of Concerned Scientists ( and (htp://

Korea Herald (, New York Newsday, The Planetary Review, The Long Island Catholic, Wake Up And Laugh (, The Ocean And The Stars (, Cradle of The Universe (

Certificates in recognizing violence in the home and child abuse, in preventing violence in school. Raised with an emphasis on loving all people and to be politically active. Studied Zen at Hwa Gye Sa Temple, Han Maum Zen & Culture Center, and The Buddhist English Library of Seoul, in South Korea. Taught seventeen years in the US and South Korea. Teacher Training in the U.S. at Berlitz and the Center for English Studies, NYC, and at Inlingua, Princeton. Studied Drawing, Photography, and Painting at the School of Visual Arts, NYC, and basic Psychology at Nassau Community College, Long Island. Fifteen years of experience teaching English as a Second language--many of those years abroad--has helped as well, as people from other cultures help us see ourselves and other human beings in a different light.

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My reward is knowing I have helped people.

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I have taught and counseled people of all ages, experience-levels, professions and religions, and consider myself lucky to have had the opportunity and thankful to those who have shared with me. Every such interaction is a learning experience, and an opportunity for growth and improvement.

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