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How to Know if You`re Really in Love/Do wives like to cuddle their husbands? and be affectionate ?


QUESTION: OK this is a serious question .. So please don't troll.

This question is.. Do women like to be affectionate? When in love? Just like men do?

You know men like to kiss their women , hug them, talk to them , tell them I love you and I miss you and touch them gently , a spend alone time with them, Cuddle them and comfort them.., and like kiss on the forehead and cheeks..and stuff like that.

Men like to initiate all these things and they love all these things..

So 4 question based on this..

Q. Do women also like to initiate these things(start it)

Q. Do they like to do these above said things.

Q.will they do it if their man loves it.

Q. do you think women like to do it more than men do ? (talking about majority of women and men ) not a single particular case.. talking on general terms.

Assuming that she is in love and happy and the man also does all those things for her.

Please answer seriously.. I have zero experience with women.. So I really don't know.

Please answer all the questions.. thanks for help.

specially Indian women as i am from india..but any other women will also work.

Soul of The Core
Soul of The Core  
ANSWER: Hi Mauz,

Peace Love and  Joy to you and yours--sincerely.

So, how are you? Tell me about yourself--if you don't mind.

For now I will say, women and men like these things and don't like these things. It depends on the spirit and the behavioral history of the individual person.

The most important thing to remember is to treat each person like an individual, not like a sexual identity that you think likes this or that just because it looks like a woman or man. The real soul of a person is on the inside and not necessarily matched to the body. Men and women are not entirely masculine or feminine--they are a mixture of both, more or less of one and more or less of the other. In fact, I am willing to bet that most people act more male or female because of how they are raised, not because of how they are constructed.

I hope that helps.

Do you mind if I ask why you are asking?

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------


Same to you..

I am 24 years.. Male.. Very emotionally sensitive..

And I don't think any one as a sex object..also..I dont even like sex much..

I wanted to ask..

That I love to kiss and hug and cuddle.. And I love to be kisses , hugged and cudlled .. Not just on lips..but also kiss on cheeks and forehead.

Why am I asking this.. Cause this is running my life.. Filling me with hate..

And I am really a not a guy like that.. For some reason I think women are evil or bad.. Cause they don't to kiss it cuddle men..

And in that only becomes a give and give relationship.. Not a give and take..

I would like to know what's reality.. That is why I am asking g this question ..

And all this in non sexual way only.. (I don't like sex much)


Hey, Friend! Thanks for writing back.

Some women and some men are not warmed up to cuddle and kiss when you are. We all experience this.

The thing to notice is whether your friend feels comfortable around you. Try to meet her half-way. If you sense she is up for a walk in the park, be happy to do that. If she likes looking at you and listening, talk to her. If she goes quiet, she may enjoy listening--or maybe she has something on her mind. What a flattering thing it would be, if she were listening to you deeply--right? Or, maybe... just maybe, she has something to say to you, and is waiting for the right time.

I spent so much time in pain, a few years ago--because my heart and mind and body were brimming over with exciting appreciation for my girlfriend, but the thing to do was to relax. I couldn't. I had too much on my mind, sometimes, because of the conditions surrounding us. But life will always be like that, and you have to tune out the noise outside and inside and give your partner all the attention you can. And give your attention to the moment. When you do that, you create a beautiful, cozy, private time together between you--something you can never lose--for eternity.

It is in those moments that you are ready to receive the impulse to cuddle or kiss--sometimes. You have to read the situation, but it should not be forced. It should be so right and so easy to see--with no words required--that you could detect it even if you were half asleep.

You should never try to make a moment into something it is not.

And there is no reason to be displeased with someone who doesn't feel inspired or free enough to cuddle, hold hands, or kiss. It is not a casual thing. It is the most intimate of beginnings and very special, and should be seen as a sign of great compatibility. You have to nurture that compatibility. It is not dependent on any doctrines or promises and completely dependent on comfort.

You are feeling these feelings for two, possibly three reasons. The first reason is you are young and your DNA is driving you to procreate. The second reason is you are attracted to this special person. The possible third reason is you may be in love. But she owes you nothing. You have to realize that.

Just learn to enjoy your time together. Don't blow a moment with expectations. Blow enough of them and you blow the relationship. And then you are alone.

One last thing: Your country has a problem with violence in relationships. I get very worried when I hear you feel hate because someone won't cuddle or kiss with you. That is a completely worrisome thing to hear--and not a description of a healthy situation. I recommend you continue to talk to me about this, and/or see a professional doctor (unless this is just a language problem).

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: As I told you..I am very sensitive kind of person.. So don't worry about me being violent

2nd. No I am not in love. , and I have no person in my life..

I won't go near a girl that easily.. She will have to fall in love with me first for sure..

Its a reversed phycology thing.. I don't know how is that possible..

As I told you and I am telling you again..I have no interest in sex..

So if its not for affection I.e love and care.. Cuddles , hugs , kisses .. A women becomes useless to me.. Cause there is nothing I want from a women other than this ..

I don't understand why would you want me to make her happy?  Just cause she is a women and I am a does not mean I was created to serve her..I don't have that low self esteem.

I don't expect her to do anything for me.. But she sure as hell should not expect me to do anything for her.. If she is not going to give back..I won't give her..its as simple as that.

For me love is give and take..

But if women don't like to cuddle ,.kiss , hug , be affectionate then I don't like women..its as simole as that.

I am not attracted to 99% of the women..when I see photos or anything.. I don't feel attracted to 99% of them.. The first and the foremost thing I see is eyes.. And half of them have no soul left..its dead in their false attitude and pride. I told you..I would never try to impress a girl...or ask any one out or fall in love with any one that easily.

For Me its not about what I can offer her.. Cause I know what I can offer.

For me its about what can she offer me?  If its not love and care..of its not affection ..then what the hell does she offer me?

And again.. I am not talking I am not interested in sex..

So in a very simple language I ask people.. When they say to be acffectionate with a girl or be patient with her.. I simple ask why?  Would she do the same to me? If not ..why would I do that to/for her?

As I have no intrest to be with a girl..nor do I feel attracted to 99% girls.. Why should I even bother what they want from me..

To be honest I know..and I can give it to her.. But if she will not do the same for me..then its a good bye.

So.. Why r women so cold hearted?  Why won't they give anything back?  If they don't give affection back.. What do they really have to offer?

Don't they have feelings or emotions like us men?  Don't they have a soft heart like us?

If they do.. Then when they say that she loves some one ..what does she mean?

If she loves some one.. The only way to show love is affection.. (The best kind)

So does those words mean nothing to them ? When they say.."I love you "

Cause without she saying I love you.. She will be in friend zone I would never fall in love without it.

But in a simple language..I ask you.. What do women have to offer? In a relationship ? If its the man (who as you say ) is affectionate?  Then what does a women do in a relationship ? Sit and enjoy and just keep taking? Or?


November 18th, 2014: Addendum;


I should NOT answer you because of how rude your last letter was, but I do not want suffering in the world; it makes life harder for everyone, one person at a time.

You never told me this woman was your wife. IN YOR LAST LETTER YOU HAD SAID, SHE WAS YOUR WIFE. In previous letters you said you had no experience with womwn. What am I to make of this. You seem to deal in hypotheticals, sweeping generalizations, and stereotypes. So maybe you had meant, 'if I were married', etc. To that I can say, yes--often women want to show affection--in or out of relationships, married or unmarried--but yes--you had asked about "wives". I did not know she was your wife (as you had said in your last letter). If I missed it in the second or third letter--that was my oversight. Any way, real or imagined wife (it doesn't matter), she might or might not want to be affectiinate. It would depend on you, her, and all things in between.

My answer is the same; wife or no wife, you have to treat a woman the way you should look at everything in life--with Beginner's Mind, NOT ACCORDING TO STEREOTYPES AND PREJUDICE.

A woman is not your property. She is not a wind-up toy. She is as human being she is as emotional as you are--more so, sometimes--because of her chemistry.

I feel bad for you if your wife or girlfriend is not affectionate. Maybe she is shy. Maybe she is having second thoughts. Maybe she is not confident. Maybe she has emotional issues--temporary or permanent. Maybe she is a princess-type (that's the same as having emotion issues).

You have to be loving and compassionate toward her, anyway--if you want something from her--as you should be toward all people--whether you want something from them or not.

Talk to her and find our how she feels. Do not demand answers, listen deeply for a long time--patientl--and learn what the problems or challenges are.

Based on your last letter to me, these answers I am giving to you probably seem soft, or not man-like, but they are the ways that work with a woman. Remember, no matter how tough a man is, he still wants the affection of a soft, feminine, flowery woman. You can't make a flower grow by forcing it to. A woman is the same.

Again, I recommend the book "Anger", by Thich Nhat Hanh--not because I think you are angry (which I think you are), but because the book teaches listening. It teaches love and gentleness. It teaches compassion. It teaches conflict resolution.

You can initiate the love, the cuddling, the romance. As you had said, men like to initiate that. Try. I guess you have and you said she didn't respond. She is an individual human sentisentient consciousness, first, not a "woman" first. Treat her like an individual and you will find your answers.

I also must say that if you are not interested in sex, there might be something "wrong" with you. Someone at my age CAN experience a decline in sexual interest, though my decline has more to do with location, situation, business, and distance from someone I am interested in--but I am still interested--in a healthy way; someone your age--especially a man--should be brimming over with sexual interest--so maybe she sees that you're not interested in sex, so she doesn't want to get close to you. I imagine she might be normal. You said you have no interest in sex.

Why would YOU say you don't like sex? Are you shy, afraid, just trying to say that it is not your focus? Or are you asexual? Areally you homosexual? Obviously you are not sexual attracted to her.

If you want to talk more, it's okay--but no more anger. Be calm and careful in your thoughts. Don't assume things. Beginner's Mind.

I also highly recommend a man from your culture: Krishnamurti. Read his book "On Being Human".

If you don't mind--what were the circumstances of your marriage (if you are married)?



If I were a woman, I would be afraid of you.

I can tell you expect physical gratification from a woman, and you think that is all she can offer.

You are also angry. Have you been hurt? Obviously, someone is holding out--not giving affection to you.

I feel for you, but, as I said, if I were a woman, I would be afraid. You seem to have it all figured out, and what you have suggested is women have nothing to offer; they just take. Well, that is a result of your pain, I hope (that kind of prejudiced, primitive thinking), not a result of what you have been taught--or not a result of your philosophy.

Listen, I sounded like you and other guys all over the world have sounded like you, when hurt--but you have to calm down and go slowly--and you have to realize that each person is a sacred cradle of the universe; that means, each mind, each heart, each spirit has a universe of different perceptions, a world of different viewpoints, worries, concerns, and understandings--misunderstandings, too. And there you are judging like you should get what you want.

I am not yelling at you. I sympathize, but I am from a different culture--a culture wherein if men were to talk like you, they might be let off the hook as either just temporarily angry (so temporarily excused), or considered very chauvinistic men. With all due respect to you and your society, you are in a very codified culture, where men and women have roles that must make it very hard for equality between the sexes. This has informed your mind and actions. If you truly want love, you have to break with that.  Alas, you say you do not want love, just physical affection.

You speak of what you have to offer. What DO you have to offer--certainly not patience. Is it money, stability? Those things are not love. Is it calm, a heart of understanding and warm kindness, strength in adversity, and deep patience? Those are the things a woman wants.

Friend, with this attitude that you have shown, no one will want to give you physical affection, unless she is just starving for it, crazy, or selling it.

I told you to be loving and make a woman happy because she will do the same for you---if you do that. THAT's "give and take". You are not in a relationship to use each other sexually, or to cuddle only. You are in a relationship to make friends, connect hearts and minds, and THEN comes the cuddling.

I did not mean to anger you or hurt your feelings, but I see a lot of pain, resentment, and anger coming through in your writing. You must work on this, and you need a completely different attitude--otherwise, I fear for any woman involved with you. I fear for you, too. I want you to be happy. Please reflect carefully on what I have told you.

I have had many relationships in my forty-eight years, and am a sensitive man, too. I also have lost the love of my life and learned a lot from that. My last girlfriend was very special--beautiful, different, a genius of ethics, kindness, intelligence, art, language, poise, gentility, honor, and discipline. You can be offered those qualities from a woman. And, you can love her so deeply that you don't even mind not cuddling. Just being near her can be a wonderful reward.

I recommend you read the book "Anger", by Zen Master Tich Nhat Hanh, and I recommend you find some foreign women to talk to. Respect them--and ask for nothing--except friendship. THEN, you may learn something about how equality of the sexes creates a wonderful relationship. Or you could talk to a modern-minded woman of your own culture--and learn the same.

Remember this, too: physical love is wonderful, but in the long run, you will miss the company of an intelligent and kind woman, more than you will miss the cuddling--if you ever get both to see what they are like.

If you write me again, tell me in ten sentences or less what happened; I don't want more of the same from you. You are an intelligent and sensitive young man. Put that intelligence to good use learning how to find peace, learning about friendship, learning about peoples' feelings, and how to treat them as individuals, please--for your own good and the good of those around you.

Let me know what you think and feel.

Sincerely wishing you Peace, Love, Joy, and Imagination,

Carl Atteniese Jr.


How to Know if You`re Really in Love

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Mando (Carl Atteniese Jr.)


I've read, thought, written, and taught about love for over eleven years. I've had thoughtful love-oriented relationships only--for about twenty-eight years. I struggle endlessly to be a supremely thoughtful, compassionate, fair, and empirical thinker. This is crucial. I believe in the feeling and process of love. This is also crucial. As an artist, a poet, and an essayist--as a teacher of ESL in other cultures--I have had ample opportunity for the analysis of love... personally and inter-culturally, and this has made my introspection and analysis of relationships--with original ideas and those of my favorite psychotherapists--very fruitful. I will tell you three things, which will help you now--before you even write to me: To have true love in yourself and with another, you must: 1. Be Free. 2. Be Adult. 3. Be Honest. 4. Be Disciplined. 5. Find numbers 3~5 easy, because you are overcome with love. 6. Be willing to do virtually anything reasonable (and many things unreasonable from the point of view of others).7. Never settle (in other words, be with someone you do not love), thinking that you will grow into love. 8. Never take a match made by another; your heart and mind must choose your love--period. 9. Never allow yourself to be put into temptation--ever (this is also natural--if you are in love). 10. Be able to listen like you never listened before--to yourself and to your beloved. 11. Love humanity--both the conditions & qualities, and all people.


I've been fortunate to have helped many people around the world and I love to do it. I will be happy to help you, too--no matter whom you are. If I am busy or unable to help you right away, consider these books to help you help yourself--until I can respond: "Being Happy", by Andrew Mathews; any books by Dr. Wayne Dyer; "The Art of Loving", by Dr. Erich Fromm; "Love", by Leo Buscaglia, "True Love", and "Anger", both by Thich Nhat Hanh. Also Read "The Beloved" and "The Prophet", both by Khalil Gibran. Read "The Road Less Traveled" and "People of The Lie", both by Dr. M. Scott Peck.... Learn more about me at

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Certificates in recognizing violence in the home and child abuse, in preventing violence in school. Raised with an emphasis on loving all people and to be politically active. Studied Zen at Hwa Gye Sa Temple, Han Maum Zen & Culture Center, and The Buddhist English Library of Seoul, in South Korea. Taught seventeen years in the US and South Korea. Teacher Training in the U.S. at Berlitz and the Center for English Studies, NYC, and at Inlingua, Princeton. Studied Drawing, Photography, and Painting at the School of Visual Arts, NYC, and basic Psychology at Nassau Community College, Long Island. Fifteen years of experience teaching English as a Second language--many of those years abroad--has helped as well, as people from other cultures help us see ourselves and other human beings in a different light.

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