How to Know if You`re Really in Love/Loving two women

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Question
I'm in my late 40s, so I've  been through a few issues before.  About 6 years ago I met a woman who I can honestly say I fell madly in love with.  We had talked about a future together and marriage, but her career took a turn and she had to move away, and everything ended.  But not for me.  Since then she has always been in the back of my thoughts.
About 4 years ago, I started dating a wonderful woman. It was rocky at first, but eventually we moved into a house together.  Our relationship is great, but I know I didn't love her the same.  The last 6 months, we've had a tough time. I've struggled to work on the relationship, and she says she wants to as well, because she loves me.  But through all of this, the first woman has been in my thoughts, without any hope that she would return to me.
But that all changed about a month ago.  The first woman contacted me and has told me she wants to be together again, come what may.  And I find I cannot stop thinking about her, even though we've not been together for a very long time.
So my issue at this point is, do I stay with the woman I've started building a life with and take the chance she will become the love I want from her? Or do I turn my life upside down for a woman who left me before and take a chance that it will work this time?  
I know I need to make a decision. They are both wonderful women who deserve the respect of a mature decision.  But this is new for me, and my biggest fear is that a wrong decision will be a life of unfulfilled love and longing for another.  How do I move forward from here?

Answer
Allen,
You didn't give me much information about the woman who moved. Obviously she didn't feel the same way about you or things would have went much differently. She may be on the rebound and thus is reaching out to you again. Where is she living, what interests does she have. There is so much unknown that it seems risky to simply dump your current living situation for this fantasy that may not even be anything. I would suggest that you have problems with this current GF because you went about things in the wrong way. You liked her and despite rockiness you moved in with her. Yet all the while you have been double-minded. Your focus hasn't solely been on her. You've harbored this secret love to this other woman. This creates an inability to fully give yourself to the current GF. If you had made the decision to marry and get pre-marital counseling I think things would have been able to get worked out so that you would have never given another thought to this other woman. I say you forget the fantasy woman and focus on the real woman in front of you. I would also suggest you guys do couples counseling and consider making a covenant with her instead of a living arrangement.
Doc David
www.DavidSimonsen.net  

How to Know if You`re Really in Love

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David Simonsen

Expertise

This is the most important thing in your life. you NEED to get it right. Let me help you with honest pull no punches answers to your questions.

Experience

I am a licensed couples and family therapist. I have been meeting with couples and families for approx 10 years talking about these exact issues. I am also married 13 years.

Organizations
AAMFT, AACC, WAMFT

Education/Credentials
M.S. marriage & Family Therapy; Ph.D. Psychology

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