How to Know if You`re Really in Love/Confused wat should I do?


Hi Carl,
I've lost my peace,
reason being the following...
I am a very stone hearted person by birth!!
I never ever was this pathetically emotional my entire life till now..
But it all turned upside down when I met a girl during my training period at my job..
I didnt actually know wat love was like.. You can call me an idiot in this matter for not even being able to understand my owm feelings!!!
It was a 3 months training program wherein we both really took well with each other.
I liked her.. N so asked her to be my sister,
She was surprised n agreed n yes she was happy too.
Bt as time passed by, n we chatted a lot, I realized that I loved her infact...
I know this is awkward to hear for you bt I really didn't understand that that liking was actually something of this type...  And I curse myself for this badly! :'(
I didnt want her to be kept in darkness so I directly went and told her about this...
I thought that she might not talk with me again...
Bt it turned opposite she said it was ohhk...
bt now that being the fact, she won't be able to be so free with me as she was before.. I acknowledged that n so we became less close..
Months passed by n she was still there the same... Ravishing, Sutle, Understanding, Lovable, Joyful, Mature, Outgoing everything seems less to describe her...
Forgot to tell you we work in an IT company from India...
And let me tell you I wouldnt compromise anything for her, for the time we still spend together, the moments that bond us together....
Everything has been just wonderful since then.....
I told her often that I loved her very much....
More than anything in this world.
n she really does deserve that...
I wouldnt get any other girl after her... this is wat I feel, I feel her in my nerves...
I get very angry if anyone says anything to her that disappoints her!! She is a part of my heart!!
:) She says she can feel my love all the day and at night when we chat..
Bt the real pain lied here..
She knows a boy since 4.5 yrs during her masters
N loves him very much....
I almost fell to my knees after hearing this.
N I respect her for that, she can't leave him.
I find myself getting torn to pieces day after day.
As thi has started playing on my mind
The feeling of losing her.
my eyes fill up with tears when I think of this... n even she is making this out..
She also knows that it is getting very hard on my part day by day..
I never cried even during my grandpa's death..
Bt now it has become a part of my daily life....
sometimes I wish I never met her.
bt without her I feel incomplete.
we often go out to parks together, lunch, dinner etc n now she said
she is getting engrossed in me day by day.
N she feels like she is falling for me.
bt she can't leave the boy... she has been with since so long....
N now she has started pulling herself away from me.... Day by Day our contact is getting weaker, bt still we do chat n I leave her To home sometimes when that chap isn't around...
I didnt go home one night, when she refused me to leave her at the Airport, she instead went with him... that night I cried to all my heart.. didnt have the courage to face my family like that....
I am feeling lile she is keeping me away now!!! :'(
Though we meet everyday!!!
Plzz help me sort out a way Carl....
I dont seemy future without her.
I am mess :'(

Hello, there:

I hope you are well at this moment.

In a sense of honor--in a perfect relationship--she would have told you about "Him" as soon as she knew you were interested in her. She did not. Therefore--she is not truly in love with her boyfriend.

You love this girl. So, you have three paths of action you can take:

1. You tell her to choose and you don't contact her until she does.

2. You just continue in your relationship with her. "He" is not your concern and you can be sure that this is not dishonorable because you are not her keeper, nor his.

3. Finally, as hard is it may seem, it looks to me like you could just leave this girl alone--if you can---because if I am wrong, she may have just been trying to be kind to you--for now she is clearly attempting to honor him. The story is the same all over the world; I have seen it many times: women who are involved and seeing some other man, calling him "a friend", and causing all manner of torturous pain and confusion; smart men drop women like this in a second. Men do it in a different way and it is just as wrong--but a different thing entirely--as we treat women differently than we treat men, for the same infractions.

If you truly love her in heart and practice, however--you have to answer one question for yourself: 'why would you not compromise anything for her?' You said this. If it is true, you do not love her, after all.

I caution you: the first problem is this girl is a two-timer. That means she is involved in two serious relationships. She will talk about it being a mistake and it being for this reason and that, but she has a mind, a heart, and human sentience. She can decide to be fair and honorable and she is deciding to be neither. The other boyfriend likely knows nothing about you, and you can be sure you know as much about him as you can see through a key-hole.

The best thing would be for you to choose path 1. If you cannot, then be kind, honest, loving, AND NON-CONTROLLING, AND continue seeing her--to deepen the relationship--but be a total gentleman, expecting nothing. The other boyfriend is her problem.

Your being cool--always, will allow you to win her heart. The other boyfriend--not having the benefit of advice like this--will lose his cool and disappoint her.

Of course, I care about his feelings, too--and I think she needs to tell him about you--but I cannot control her. You--however, should ask yourself whether you want to be with a girl who two-times people. She could do this to you.

Now, I wish you peace. Meditate if you want that; eat no sugar, caffeine, or cigarettes, and you shall have that: peace, with which you can make clear decisions.

Please consider donating some money to my cause of helping you. You can see the button for that.

Also, tell me your name or pick a false name: the name you have chosen is not a name. Remember, when we use our names we are more honest.

Let me know what you feel. And always do the right thing.  

How to Know if You`re Really in Love

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Mando (Carl Atteniese Jr.)


I've read, thought, written, and taught about love for over eleven years. I've had thoughtful love-oriented relationships only--for about twenty-eight years. I struggle endlessly to be a supremely thoughtful, compassionate, fair, and empirical thinker. This is crucial. I believe in the feeling and process of love. This is also crucial. As an artist, a poet, and an essayist--as a teacher of ESL in other cultures--I have had ample opportunity for the analysis of love... personally and inter-culturally, and this has made my introspection and analysis of relationships--with original ideas and those of my favorite psychotherapists--very fruitful. I will tell you three things, which will help you now--before you even write to me: To have true love in yourself and with another, you must: 1. Be Free. 2. Be Adult. 3. Be Honest. 4. Be Disciplined. 5. Find numbers 3~5 easy, because you are overcome with love. 6. Be willing to do virtually anything reasonable (and many things unreasonable from the point of view of others).7. Never settle (in other words, be with someone you do not love), thinking that you will grow into love. 8. Never take a match made by another; your heart and mind must choose your love--period. 9. Never allow yourself to be put into temptation--ever (this is also natural--if you are in love). 10. Be able to listen like you never listened before--to yourself and to your beloved. 11. Love humanity--both the conditions & qualities, and all people.


I've been fortunate to have helped many people around the world and I love to do it. I will be happy to help you, too--no matter whom you are. If I am busy or unable to help you right away, consider these books to help you help yourself--until I can respond: "Being Happy", by Andrew Mathews; any books by Dr. Wayne Dyer; "The Art of Loving", by Dr. Erich Fromm; "Love", by Leo Buscaglia, "True Love", and "Anger", both by Thich Nhat Hanh. Also Read "The Beloved" and "The Prophet", both by Khalil Gibran. Read "The Road Less Traveled" and "People of The Lie", both by Dr. M. Scott Peck.... Learn more about me at

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Certificates in recognizing violence in the home and child abuse, in preventing violence in school. Raised with an emphasis on loving all people and to be politically active. Studied Zen at Hwa Gye Sa Temple, Han Maum Zen & Culture Center, and The Buddhist English Library of Seoul, in South Korea. Taught seventeen years in the US and South Korea. Teacher Training in the U.S. at Berlitz and the Center for English Studies, NYC, and at Inlingua, Princeton. Studied Drawing, Photography, and Painting at the School of Visual Arts, NYC, and basic Psychology at Nassau Community College, Long Island. Fifteen years of experience teaching English as a Second language--many of those years abroad--has helped as well, as people from other cultures help us see ourselves and other human beings in a different light.

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