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How to Know if You`re Really in Love/confused as to where I stand with my partner

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Question
My boyfriend,  the other night started to tell me that I'm turning my two sons (16 &12) into pussy.
He said that I need to make them do things. Ok, one they do do chores...so I don't understand that.
Well, he kept saying it and I ask him to PLEASE stop I don't like hearing that, then I asked him to
PLEASE come up with a better way of saying it to me such as....Hunie, if you don't get the boys to do motethey will not learn how to be on their own. He said that is the same thing as what he said which is
I'm raising PUSSYS.  
Why would ANYONE say and act like that toward someone they love? Please
help me understand?  I feel so lost....I've tried to tell him how would you feel if a guy was treating
you daughter like this? Nothing!
PLEASE HELP ME!!!!

Answer
Hello, Friend,

Please sit a while imagining the nature outside your house. Or look out at it through the window. Nature is complex, but simple. When we complicate nature, that is when we get into trouble, right? That is when it ceases to be beautiful and, now--polluted, becomes dangerous.

Explain to your husband he is being complicated and thus polluting the nature of your family. He has something to say to your boys, yet is trying to get you to say it. Making matters worse, he's talking in a way that is disrespectful to you as a woman, and in a way that--if you allow to continue--will destroy your respect for him. Not to mention, he is making you feel bad.

Finally, this chauvinism and homophobic nature of his will definitely rub off on the boys and they will speak like sexist, old-fashioned jerks in front of other people. Poison That will damage their lives, characters, and your family....

You must stand up straight, be iron-clad strong, and tell him nicely but firmly that you will not really be able to continue any dialog on this or other issues with him until he identifies the MAIN issue, first: why he is acting so  violently and insensitively with his words toward you. There is the real problem. If he cannot respect his wife, OF COURSE... he cannot respect his sons well enough to raise them compaszionately, in a non-sexist way, and finally (what he wants:) responsibly.

Lastly, tell him if he wants to raise his sons to have more responibility, he can talk to them himself; why is it your job alone?

Don't be confrontational. Listen, first, to his feelings, and always be an active listiner, but do not tolerate disrespectful talk, and don't escalate his anger.

Be calm and in control. Meditate, before speaking... so you will be in a spiritually open and calm mental space.

Let me know if this helps, friend.

How to Know if You`re Really in Love

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Mando (Carl Atteniese Jr.)

Expertise

I've read, thought, written, and taught about love for over eleven years. I've had thoughtful love-oriented relationships only--for about twenty-eight years. I struggle endlessly to be a supremely thoughtful, compassionate, fair, and empirical thinker. This is crucial. I believe in the feeling and process of love. This is also crucial. As an artist, a poet, and an essayist--as a teacher of ESL in other cultures--I have had ample opportunity for the analysis of love... personally and inter-culturally, and this has made my introspection and analysis of relationships--with original ideas and those of my favorite psychotherapists--very fruitful. I will tell you three things, which will help you now--before you even write to me: To have true love in yourself and with another, you must: 1. Be Free. 2. Be Adult. 3. Be Honest. 4. Be Disciplined. 5. Find numbers 3~5 easy, because you are overcome with love. 6. Be willing to do virtually anything reasonable (and many things unreasonable from the point of view of others).7. Never settle (in other words, be with someone you do not love), thinking that you will grow into love. 8. Never take a match made by another; your heart and mind must choose your love--period. 9. Never allow yourself to be put into temptation--ever (this is also natural--if you are in love). 10. Be able to listen like you never listened before--to yourself and to your beloved. 11. Love humanity--both the conditions & qualities, and all people.

Experience

I've been fortunate to have helped many people around the world and I love to do it. I will be happy to help you, too--no matter whom you are. If I am busy or unable to help you right away, consider these books to help you help yourself--until I can respond: "Being Happy", by Andrew Mathews; any books by Dr. Wayne Dyer; "The Art of Loving", by Dr. Erich Fromm; "Love", by Leo Buscaglia, "True Love", and "Anger", both by Thich Nhat Hanh. Also Read "The Beloved" and "The Prophet", both by Khalil Gibran. Read "The Road Less Traveled" and "People of The Lie", both by Dr. M. Scott Peck.... Learn more about me at http://carlatteniese.org

Organizations
Amnesty International Partner of Conscience (http://amnesty.org), Union of Concerned Scientists (http://ucsusa.org) and Avaaz.org (htp://avaaz.org)

Publications
Korea Herald (http://www.koreaherald.com/national/Detail.jsp?newsMLId=20110601000943), New York Newsday, The Planetary Review, The Long Island Catholic, Wake Up And Laugh (http://wakeupandlaugh.wordpress.com), The Ocean And The Stars (http://bitnacarlo.blogspot.com/), Cradle of The Universe (http://cradleoftheuniverse.wordpress.com/)

Education/Credentials
Certificates in recognizing violence in the home and child abuse, in preventing violence in school. Raised with an emphasis on loving all people and to be politically active. Studied Zen at Hwa Gye Sa Temple, Han Maum Zen & Culture Center, and The Buddhist English Library of Seoul, in South Korea. Taught seventeen years in the US and South Korea. Teacher Training in the U.S. at Berlitz and the Center for English Studies, NYC, and at Inlingua, Princeton. Studied Drawing, Photography, and Painting at the School of Visual Arts, NYC, and basic Psychology at Nassau Community College, Long Island. Fifteen years of experience teaching English as a Second language--many of those years abroad--has helped as well, as people from other cultures help us see ourselves and other human beings in a different light.

Awards and Honors
My reward is knowing I have helped people.

Past/Present Clients
I have taught and counseled people of all ages, experience-levels, professions and religions, and consider myself lucky to have had the opportunity and thankful to those who have shared with me. Every such interaction is a learning experience, and an opportunity for growth and improvement.

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