How to Know if You`re Really in Love/Trust

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Question
My boyfriend has had many bad relationships in the past and tends to have bad trust issues because of being hurt so much. It has taken me some time to get used to the excessive jealousy and what not but whenever we get to an argument over something trust always comes up because it's something that really hurts me. I have told him over & over, I want his trust ad he will say ok, I trust you, I love you .. Etc. But then in bad situations say and you see why I dont trust you ? or And to think I " almost " trusted you . Not to mention if I go to sleep by accident when he's texting and its kind of early , the next day I wake up to missed calls , voicemails , & texts about how I was talking to other guys.  I just want to clarify from someone that knows what their talking about that without trust, there is no relationship.

Answer
Hi, Charity.

Thanks for writing.

Do you love this man?

Tell me that, please. This is the beginning of my way of helping you.

If you love hom, tell me how you show it.

To answer your question, 'no; without trust there is no good relationship.' However--not that you need to know this--to establish recognition of a point, know that trust is earned, not granted--ever.

Unfortunately, because your partner was hurt so much-like it or not--you represent women to him and have the unpopular job of rebuilding his trust in women... if you want it. That's why I asked if you loved him. If you do, you may have to DO the WORK of love for and with him--taking some extra steps to help him get over his trust issues. What do you think of that?

In the mean time, just tell him things, such as 'I fell asleep' (it's the truth) and say, 'I'm sorry.' It's not an apology of culpability, it's an expression on of regret--and it's nice. Tell him, if you must: 'And maybe you could be mindful of the fact that we communicate too late at night, sometimes.'

If he insists you were talking to others, tolerate it once or twice (or some acceptable number of times) and then say, 'Listen, I understand your fears, and that you love me, but why accuse me of things I am not capable of (if that's true). How do think you make me feel, calling me a two-timer?'

Don't fight with him. Just ask.

Let me know what you think.

How to Know if You`re Really in Love

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Mando (Carl Atteniese Jr.)

Expertise

I've read, thought, written, and taught about love for over eleven years. I've had thoughtful love-oriented relationships only--for about twenty-eight years. I struggle endlessly to be a supremely thoughtful, compassionate, fair, and empirical thinker. This is crucial. I believe in the feeling and process of love. This is also crucial. As an artist, a poet, and an essayist--as a teacher of ESL in other cultures--I have had ample opportunity for the analysis of love... personally and inter-culturally, and this has made my introspection and analysis of relationships--with original ideas and those of my favorite psychotherapists--very fruitful. I will tell you three things, which will help you now--before you even write to me: To have true love in yourself and with another, you must: 1. Be Free. 2. Be Adult. 3. Be Honest. 4. Be Disciplined. 5. Find numbers 3~5 easy, because you are overcome with love. 6. Be willing to do virtually anything reasonable (and many things unreasonable from the point of view of others).7. Never settle (in other words, be with someone you do not love), thinking that you will grow into love. 8. Never take a match made by another; your heart and mind must choose your love--period. 9. Never allow yourself to be put into temptation--ever (this is also natural--if you are in love). 10. Be able to listen like you never listened before--to yourself and to your beloved. 11. Love humanity--both the conditions & qualities, and all people.

Experience

I've been fortunate to have helped many people around the world and I love to do it. I will be happy to help you, too--no matter whom you are. If I am busy or unable to help you right away, consider these books to help you help yourself--until I can respond: "Being Happy", by Andrew Mathews; any books by Dr. Wayne Dyer; "The Art of Loving", by Dr. Erich Fromm; "Love", by Leo Buscaglia, "True Love", and "Anger", both by Thich Nhat Hanh. Also Read "The Beloved" and "The Prophet", both by Khalil Gibran. Read "The Road Less Traveled" and "People of The Lie", both by Dr. M. Scott Peck.... Learn more about me at http://carlatteniese.org

Organizations
Amnesty International Partner of Conscience (http://amnesty.org), Union of Concerned Scientists (http://ucsusa.org) and Avaaz.org (htp://avaaz.org)

Publications
Korea Herald (http://www.koreaherald.com/national/Detail.jsp?newsMLId=20110601000943), New York Newsday, The Planetary Review, The Long Island Catholic, Wake Up And Laugh (http://wakeupandlaugh.wordpress.com), The Ocean And The Stars (http://bitnacarlo.blogspot.com/), Cradle of The Universe (http://cradleoftheuniverse.wordpress.com/)

Education/Credentials
Certificates in recognizing violence in the home and child abuse, in preventing violence in school. Raised with an emphasis on loving all people and to be politically active. Studied Zen at Hwa Gye Sa Temple, Han Maum Zen & Culture Center, and The Buddhist English Library of Seoul, in South Korea. Taught seventeen years in the US and South Korea. Teacher Training in the U.S. at Berlitz and the Center for English Studies, NYC, and at Inlingua, Princeton. Studied Drawing, Photography, and Painting at the School of Visual Arts, NYC, and basic Psychology at Nassau Community College, Long Island. Fifteen years of experience teaching English as a Second language--many of those years abroad--has helped as well, as people from other cultures help us see ourselves and other human beings in a different light.

Awards and Honors
My reward is knowing I have helped people.

Past/Present Clients
I have taught and counseled people of all ages, experience-levels, professions and religions, and consider myself lucky to have had the opportunity and thankful to those who have shared with me. Every such interaction is a learning experience, and an opportunity for growth and improvement.

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