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How to Know if You`re Really in Love/Should I tell crush abroad I like her????....

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QUESTION: Ok,

I recently just went on holiday to visit a friend in Mexico for a month and had a fantastic time there. Whilst meeting her friends & family, I met this one girl who immediately caught my attention. She is my friendís best friend & although I didnít say or do anything, my crush towards her started developing.

What I liked about her was she was just fun, open and inviting to talk to, no games or anything and has a bubbly personality.  I returned back home to New York 3 weeks ago & since then weíve keep in contact. Weíve sent messages on Snapchat, Whatsapp & even Skyped last weekend! Just some things Iíve noted - she mostly initiates contact with me, she said she likes foreigners & said she likes my accent, and normally comments on my snapchat pics. Some people think sheís just being friendly (bubbly fun character) & others think she may like me backÖ

The thing is we live in different countries & I donít know If I will ever see her again. Iím 25, sheís only 20 & if i tell her i like her, I have this feeling it will end badly / lose all contact!! Yet even though we live apart, my urge to tell her is just growing! Do you think i should tell her, or just keep it to myself as you never what may happen in the future.. My friend already knows I have a crush on her, but hasn't said anything....Thanks!

ANSWER: OK:

On the one hand, how do you know it will end badly if you tell her you like her? On the other hsnd, maybe you feel that way because your unconscious mind (some say "intuition") is telling you it's not that kind of relationship (yet)? So, what kind of relationship is it; is it "the same kind" of relationahip to her as it is to you? People rarely ask that, or they don't ask that enough. Ask that: what kind of relationship is this; what stage are we at. Who is she? Who am I? What are we to each other? Am I willing to move slowly and get to know this person, her family, her language and her culture--developing deep understanding and a culture of our own? These are the foundations of love. A lot of people imagine the relationship they think they are in while they are actually in another kind of relationship.

Nature works by symbiotic interplay and mutaually beneficial interdependent players. It doesn't work by force.

Then there is another way of looking at this: just enjoy the moments with her without milestones such as tellng her you like her in serious, a dramatic way; she knows you like her. She likes you. That's a given--considering what's happening. So, if you want to follow this train of thought and develop a tack for it, be natural, but also be smart. Let it unfold without labels for a while.

Telling her in a pivotal, dramatic or serious way might be considered to just say, 'I wanna get serious.' Is that necesary? Is that helpful (now, if ever)? Will it endear her or make her point of view change (now, or ever)?

In yet another mode of thinking and tack, be strong and confident and don't imagine what she will say or do (that is fantasy, based on your very little experience with this person); or don't think that she will pull away and it "will end badly." Why would that be bad--if she pulled away? She might be a crazy person, once you get to know her, or she might be very immature and on her best beahvior, these days--or she might be methodical, intelligent and prone to taking her time; so she pulls away and comes back stronger. You actually don't even know her or her world--so, sadly, it could be a good thing!

What if you say you like her in a fun way? But, again, why not just show her?

As far as her being too far away is concerned, that will only matter if you two do not grow in love for each other ("fall in love"). In true love, distance doesn't matter.


I have had numerous enough relationships in my life to know that a lot more than live is going on and a lot of love is lost in the process. The main element in love is knowing it is a practice that began with being free to appreciate and grow with that which you are drawn to; this fosters live in yourself (not others indulging and supporting and controling you).

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---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks for the response. A great response!

I'm caught in 2 minds like you said - either i tell her, get it off my chest & possibly risk losing all contact OR keep it to myself & maintain contact now and then. But then, if there's a high chance I'll never see her again, then shouldn't I tell her?

Unfortunately some people have given me different advice  - some say tell her, some say don't tell her and keep her as a friend because it's too early and I barely know the girl that well.

Seriously speaking, If YOU were in my position, what would you do? Please don't hesitate in giving me your opinion & perspective..... our mutual friend knows I have a crush on her but I don't she has said anything - but who cares anyways!?

Answer
Hi,

You're welcome.

It doesn't matter one way or the other, because you can't control her; if she appreciates your loving her and loves you, too--she will likewise appreciate your timing. If she isn't sure about you, yet, but likes the idea, she may be intrigued, and if she doesn't love you (yet?) Or doesn't want to, she will know where you stand. This will give her a chance to tell you so--allowing you to save time in life.

You see, we can't opperate in relationships as if all people or all girls (or guys) are the same--so, asking for general advice never works with particular people.

Of course some men will say not to let on too soon; make her curious, etc. It is said to keep up the mystery, the novelty and the level of attention. I suppose that is true. Some even say--as the song advises--"be cruel to be kind in the right measure."

However, what if you have a very sweet and romantic type on your plate, or what if you are the one to make her feel that way? Then "playing hard to get" could leave her cold.

You see, I don't usually give pick-up advice, which is what this correspondence is becoming. I help people with love. If your heart is burning with love, you can't help but to tell her. But still, some would say don't pour it on thick (especially if she isn't "feeling it").

Again, what kind of girl is she? What kind of relationship do you have? What stage is the relationship at? What is possible? What do you want? What does she want? Answer these questions, first--if you would like to have a successful relationship with her.

To make matters simple, I would tell her in suggestion, like the way a good novelist or poet describes a scene. Do this, as opposed to giving her subtext. This can be done by paying a compliment, sending a small gift or doing her a nice favor.

If you want to be more direct, tell her you think she is very pretty, smart and fun to be with. More direct than that--and perhaps less interesting and more foreward (or scary) would be saying "I really like you" before the appropriate time--or "I love you."

Be a ship captain, not a passenger. The captain does things at the right time, after knowing where he is and where he is going and what the conditions and possibilities are.

Peace

How to Know if You`re Really in Love

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Mando (Carl Atteniese Jr.)

Expertise

I've read, thought, written, and taught about love for over eleven years. I've had thoughtful love-oriented relationships only--for about twenty-eight years. I struggle endlessly to be a supremely thoughtful, compassionate, fair, and empirical thinker. This is crucial. I believe in the feeling and process of love. This is also crucial. As an artist, a poet, and an essayist--as a teacher of ESL in other cultures--I have had ample opportunity for the analysis of love... personally and inter-culturally, and this has made my introspection and analysis of relationships--with original ideas and those of my favorite psychotherapists--very fruitful. I will tell you three things, which will help you now--before you even write to me: To have true love in yourself and with another, you must: 1. Be Free. 2. Be Adult. 3. Be Honest. 4. Be Disciplined. 5. Find numbers 3~5 easy, because you are overcome with love. 6. Be willing to do virtually anything reasonable (and many things unreasonable from the point of view of others).7. Never settle (in other words, be with someone you do not love), thinking that you will grow into love. 8. Never take a match made by another; your heart and mind must choose your love--period. 9. Never allow yourself to be put into temptation--ever (this is also natural--if you are in love). 10. Be able to listen like you never listened before--to yourself and to your beloved. 11. Love humanity--both the conditions & qualities, and all people.

Experience

I've been fortunate to have helped many people around the world and I love to do it. I will be happy to help you, too--no matter whom you are. If I am busy or unable to help you right away, consider these books to help you help yourself--until I can respond: "Being Happy", by Andrew Mathews; any books by Dr. Wayne Dyer; "The Art of Loving", by Dr. Erich Fromm; "Love", by Leo Buscaglia, "True Love", and "Anger", both by Thich Nhat Hanh. Also Read "The Beloved" and "The Prophet", both by Khalil Gibran. Read "The Road Less Traveled" and "People of The Lie", both by Dr. M. Scott Peck.... Learn more about me at http://carlatteniese.org

Organizations
Amnesty International Partner of Conscience (http://amnesty.org), Union of Concerned Scientists (http://ucsusa.org) and Avaaz.org (htp://avaaz.org)

Publications
Korea Herald (http://www.koreaherald.com/national/Detail.jsp?newsMLId=20110601000943), New York Newsday, The Planetary Review, The Long Island Catholic, Wake Up And Laugh (http://wakeupandlaugh.wordpress.com), The Ocean And The Stars (http://bitnacarlo.blogspot.com/), Cradle of The Universe (http://cradleoftheuniverse.wordpress.com/)

Education/Credentials
Certificates in recognizing violence in the home and child abuse, in preventing violence in school. Raised with an emphasis on loving all people and to be politically active. Studied Zen at Hwa Gye Sa Temple, Han Maum Zen & Culture Center, and The Buddhist English Library of Seoul, in South Korea. Taught seventeen years in the US and South Korea. Teacher Training in the U.S. at Berlitz and the Center for English Studies, NYC, and at Inlingua, Princeton. Studied Drawing, Photography, and Painting at the School of Visual Arts, NYC, and basic Psychology at Nassau Community College, Long Island. Fifteen years of experience teaching English as a Second language--many of those years abroad--has helped as well, as people from other cultures help us see ourselves and other human beings in a different light.

Awards and Honors
My reward is knowing I have helped people.

Past/Present Clients
I have taught and counseled people of all ages, experience-levels, professions and religions, and consider myself lucky to have had the opportunity and thankful to those who have shared with me. Every such interaction is a learning experience, and an opportunity for growth and improvement.

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