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You are here: Experts > Religion/Spirituality > Christianity - Restorationism > Latter-day Saints > Adultery
Expert: SentimentalLady - 10/31/2009
Question
Hello, my name is Beatriz and I'm a 25 year old female from California. I personally am not a Mormon but I was involved with a
married man who is a Mormon for 4 years. I'm going to try and make this brief.
I met this man 4 years ago while he was working in overnight shift. He came on to me and gave my his email and instant messenger and told me to contact him. So I did. That night he told me he was married but he was having serious marital problems and he was thinking of separating and eventually divorcing his wife. We continued our relationship for 4 years via instant messaging, emails and telephone conversation. He even started saying, "I love you!" I had fallen in love with this man and I felt he was too.
June of this year, I went on a business trip and met up with him where he currently resides, in Phoenix, AZ. We had sexual relations and didn't use protection so we knew there might be a possibility I could be pregnant.
After we had sex, his wife found out about us a week later in an email he had sent to me. She called and called me but I refused to answer because he told me not to and because I wanted to protect him. Several weeks went by and sure enough I was pregnant. I called him and told him the news only to question me if I was sure he was the father. I was hurt. I received an email from his wife and him saying that I should put up the baby up for adoption and they would help me in that process. I made it clear to them I was not going to do that but instead keep the baby. He flipped and changed on me and started to ignore me emails and calls. We had decided when the babies were born he would take a paternity test and we'd go from there.
I found out he was carrying twins and tried to contact him to let him know but he had changed his number. So I called his wife and we spoke. She said that he was adamant about me giving up my babies up for adoption since he wasn't planning to be a part of their lives. I was depressed for months, how could this man who said he loved me and would do anything for me turn his back on me?
Last week on Thursday October 22, I went into pre-term labor. My baby girl was stillborn and my baby boy passed 2 hours after I delivered them. I called his wife once again and urged her to please have him contact me. After months of avoiding me, he finally contacted me on Thursday, exactly 1 week after my tragedy. I told him what happened and he didn't even say sorry or anything. He just said, what do you want me to do? I asked him is he could please sign the babies birth certificate and death certificate along with the paperwork from the mortuary. I have decided to cremate them and I need him to sign that he's consenting this. He refuses to do so because he's not sure if he is the father of the babies and refuses to take a paternity test since he says there is no point since the babies are dead. But the real reason for him not wanting to do a paternity test is because he doesn't want his infidelity on paper and th fact that he father 2 babies with another woman. I've called lawyers in my town and most say that I can get a court-order to make him take a paternity test but it could take months before I even see a judge. So my next thing is to talk to his family about this and to his church about this. He is very involved with his church and I know it means a lot to him. How would I go about meeting with a bishop or elder and telling my story, maybe they can knock some sense into him and he'll take the paternity.
I'm desperate and need answers now. I don't have much time since my babies bodies are still in the hospital. Please help!
Answer
Hi Beatriz
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your babies. I can certainly understand that it is all the more difficult to deal with, given the insensitivity of their father.
I'm going to make a few comments along the way here.....
As you know, adultery is frowned upon by society and by the LDS (Mormon) church. He was not free to become involved with you in any way until he was divorced. I'm sure you'll steer clear of unavailable men in the future, no matter what they may tell you about the sad state of their marriage. It just hurts you, and it hurts his family.
Not only is extra-marital sex a no-no in the church, so is pre-marital sex. If you wait until you're married to have sex, you will know that person wants you for YOURSELF, not just for sex. And any children will have two parents.
Our church places great emphasis on the importance of families, and does encourage adoption in situations such as this, so the child(ren) will have two devoted parents. But if you wanted to keep the babies, the church would definitely want their father to meet his obligations to the children. Financial obligations, of course, AND being there for them would be ideal--but that is unfortunately not as easily done. You cannot MAKE people feel love. It is what it is, and if they don't feel love, the best thing to do is accept it and move on and be strong for the children. You certainly wouldn't want the children having to endure the pain of rejection, like you did. Best if they just have nothing to do with him if that's the way the father feels.
But, sadly, you don't have to worry about the children's feelings anymore. You just want the papers signed.
First, ask yourself if that's what you really want, because I cannot believe it is a requirement of the mortuary. There are plenty of single mothers who have no father to sign.
So, I'm thinking maybe you want further contact with him, or validation for the rotten way he treated you, or revenge?
If you want further contact--you know it's a bad idea. Chalk it up as a learning experience, which you won't do again, and be strong and move on. Have nothing whatsoever to do with him.
If it's validation, that's certainly understandable. He signs, he helps pay for the expenses, and you be strong and move on. But it doesn't sound like that's going to happen without a fight. Lawyers, a court order....big picture: not worth it. You cannot move on until you're finished, and doing it this way means it wouldn't be finished for a LONG time.
If it's revenge you want, ask yourself if that is who you are and what you stand for. His wife already knows, so he's been hurt there. And it's good that she knows, because now she makes her decisions based on knowing who he is and what he stands for. And it's not remotely like their original vows.
If you want to contact his Bishop, his name should be listed in the phone book under the listing for the church building where the father attends (Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.) There may be several Bishops listed for one building, so simply call and say that you are looking for the Bishop of "John Smith's" ward. When you find the right one, say that you would like to meet with him regarding a personal family matter involving "John Smith." When you meet in person, that is the time to share the details.
I don't know what the Bishop will do or counsel or advise. Give a lot of thought to what you hope to accomplish. You cannot change what he's done or failed to do. What is the best he can do now to try to make it as right as possible, so you can forgive him and move on?
Hopefully you and the father will both come out of this experience as better people. If you want to update me when things have been resolved (hopefully!), I'd love to hear from you again.
All the best.
Sentimental Lady
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