Expert: Melissa - 10/31/2009

Question
Hello, my name is Beatriz and I'm a 25 year old female from California. I personally am not a Mormon but I was involved with a
married man who is a Mormon for 4 years. I'm going to try and make this brief.

I met this man 4 years ago while he was working in overnight shift. He came on to me and gave my his email and instant messenger and told me to contact him. So I did. That night he told me he was married but he was having serious marital problems and he was thinking of separating and eventually divorcing his wife. We continued our relationship for 4 years via instant messaging, emails and telephone conversation. He even started saying, "I love you!" I had fallen in love with this man and I felt he was too.

June of this year, I went on a business trip and met up with him where he currently resides, in Phoenix, AZ. We had sexual relations and didn't use protection so we knew there might be a possibility I could be pregnant.

After we had sex, his wife found out about us a week later in an email he had sent to me. She called and called me but I refused to answer because he told me not to and because I wanted to protect him. Several weeks went by and sure enough I was pregnant. I called him and told him the news only to question me if I was sure he was the father. I was hurt. I received an email from his wife and him saying that I should put up the baby up for adoption and they would help me in that process. I made it clear to them I was not going to do that but instead keep the baby. He flipped and changed on me and started to ignore me emails and calls. We had decided when the babies were born he would take a paternity test and we'd go from there.

I found out he was carrying twins and tried to contact him to let him know but he had changed his number. So I called his wife and we spoke. She said that he was adamant about me giving up my babies up for adoption since he wasn't planning to be a part of their lives. I was depressed for months, how could this man who said he loved me and would do anything for me turn his back on me?

Last week on Thursday October 22, I went into pre-term labor. My baby girl was stillborn and my baby boy passed 2 hours after I delivered them. I called his wife once again and urged her to please have him contact me. After months of avoiding me, he finally contacted me on Thursday, exactly 1 week after my tragedy. I told him what happened and he didn't even say sorry or anything. He just said, what do you want me to do? I asked him is he could please sign the babies birth certificate and death certificate along with the paperwork from the mortuary. I have decided to cremate them and I need him to sign that he's consenting this. He refuses to do so because he's not sure if he is the father of the babies and refuses to take a paternity test since he says there is no point since the babies are dead. But the real reason for him not wanting to do a paternity test is because he doesn't want his infidelity on paper and th fact that he father 2 babies with another woman. I've called lawyers in my town and most say that I can get a court-order to make him take a paternity test but it could take months before I even see a judge. So my next thing is to talk to his family about this and to his church about this. He is very involved with his church and I know it means a lot to him. How would I go about meeting with a bishop or elder and telling my story, maybe they can knock some sense into him and he'll take the paternity.

I'm desperate and need answers now. I don't have much time since my babies bodies are still in the hospital. Please help!

Answer
Wow. I guess despite it all I feel for the little babies: even in death their father has not acknowledge them.  

I wonder if you have thought what exactly you want from this situation.  Is it acknowledgment for the the babies?  An apology?  

DNA samples can be run now of your children to be compared later if you go through with the court ordered paternity test or the DNA can be preserved for later testing.  Your lawyers will probably know the most about it and what course of action to recommend.

I have no idea what outcome this may take, but finding out where the local LDS church is and quietly approaching the bishop of the ward may not be a bad idea.  I recommend quietly approaching him, because any human who feels at all threatened will act defensively, whether the threat is real or not, and a defensive reaction will not get you the possible outcome you hope for.  I have no idea what action the bishop may or may not take, or his reaction to your information.  He is however, due to the clergy aspect of the calling, unable to repeat what you told him to others outside of what is necessary to resolve the situation with those who are also unable to divulge the information.

I know that this is a hard time.  I would be lying if I promised that it would get easier.  Please do not judge the Latter Day Saint church based on the actions of one man.  

It might be comforting to ask the bishop if you speak with him or follow the following links to better understand about our beliefs about what happens after death.  I know it is nowhere near the same, but it brought great comfort to me, when my favorite Grandmother passed on.

No matter what course of action you follow, know that ignoring and not taking responsibility for our mistakes is not a teaching of the LDS church.

If you need to talk or someone to listen, please feel free to further explore this site or to contact me again.

Melissa

P.S. Here are the links as promised.

http://mormon.org/mormonorg/eng/basic-beliefs/heavenly-father-s-plan-of-happines...

there is also a feature where you can ask specific questions that you have by various means.  The easiest way is through instant messenger at the site.  There you are able to talk to a missionary from the comfort of your own computer who is a non paid, knowledgeable, representative of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

I hope this reaches you in time.